Thoughts and observations of a large cat

Irish Open + Scoop + Summer Plans

2010-04-04T01:02:00.001-07:00

Ok three topics to cover in this post.

Luck of the Irish

Number one I am currently sweating my girlfriend Jen Mason - or Jenny Mason as she has been referred to in her recent press appearances - in the Irish Open where she has an average stack with about 70 left.

Jen is a great player when she's on her game and her performances in Ireland have always been exceptional. She took down the Green Poker Joker tournament there a few years ago and she is something of an iconic figure in the emerald isle, attracting rail birds and interest wherever she travels over there.

In fact, in Vegas last year, I left a club one time with her, only to be accosted by a group of drunk Irish guys who immediately began chanting "JEN MASON...JEN MASON...JEN MASON" as we stumbled out of "Rain"(I think?) at the palms casino.

So surreal and yet hilarious!

Anyway she has a deseved shot at the €600k first prize in the Irish Open so COME ON JEN SHIPPPPPP ITTTT.

Update will come later.

SCOOP

We're almost at the time for the SCOOP. It's no great secret that my relatively small sample of tournaments on STARS has me as a net loser as per sharkscope but this is something I intend to rectify during the SCOOP.

My roll currently won't let me play any high stakes poker tournaments if I am to maintain my rigid, prudent - some would say "NIT-LIKE" - bankroll management. Lol

If I can ship a scoop though....and to be honest I am in good form and fancy my chances then maybe you'll see me in a few WSOP events in the summer.

Which brings me to my next point.

SUMMER PLANS

As per last year PokerListings have offered me the opportunity to work at the WSOP over the summer and although I hate missing english summers as it is the only time of year when the english weather is probably the best in the world - I just can't miss Vegas.

I was talking about it with Flushy recently and jsut mentioning all the great places to eat had my mouth watering. Vegas is great and the PokerListings pad should be in full effect again - so we'll have another great party or two there I'm sure.

Right before the summer, I'll also be covering EPT Monte Carlo for PL which will be exciting I'm sure. Monte Carlo's such a wierd place - so much money, every car is a super car. I think some people would be super impressed by all the exuberance and wealth on show. Personally I always think it's all a bit vulgar when people are having dick waving contests with their wallets - but for me the tournament, the great players and the drama of the event will be the big pull in Monte Carlo - not the big bucks.

Anyway that's it for now. Seeya soon kippers.

Fit or Fold

2010-04-04T00:35:00.000-07:00

The latest installment of my incredible [ ] bi-monthly blog is here.

I guess at least I'm managing one a month which is somewhat consistant. There is some news to relate though so here's a quick re-cap of how things have been shaping up in catworld.

1. Trying to get fit. Yes, don't want to fall down the classic poker player route of just turning into some obese vegetable ekeing out a living whilst ordering chips and burgers from casino staff.

Instead I have implemented a new health regime that sees me attending the gym 3 times or more a week, eating fresh fruit and veg daily and cutting down on fat in my diet. I'll probably do a blog on how this is going in more depth at some point.

Slightly fell off the wagon in the last few days by going on the piss 3 days running and ploughing through 2 kebabs last night, but that was a somewhat unavoidable situation.

Normal service should be resumed shortly. Current weight = 13st 4lbs...aim to be down to 12.5 by the summer. Oh and I've given up smoking too. which is obviously tough but it feels great to have done so after 17 years of the filthy habit. Hooray!

2. A torrid period of tournaments where i was break even for a while on ipoker ended with a tourney win. Only a relatively smallish 7r comp but ship it nonetheless. Plus, being ipoker I get a virtual trophy and I f***ing love these things.

Here it is in all its glory. Brag post obv.

Much appreciated as I was starting to feel like I'd forgotten how to play on ipoker.

Fugu has gone well too and I've had a few decent results on there too.

Recently Fugu has changed name too-not sure the exact reasons for this - ie whether they have been bought up by a diff company or something but they are now known as "juicy stakes poker" - a pretty comical name underlined by the icon of the site being a spade that looks like a rib-eye steak.

I like their style tbh.

Anyway that's enough for now. I have a few more things to talk about but I'll leave them for the next post.

Laterz bitches. Here's my sharkscope complete with updated results. Still a pokerstars legend as you can see.

[ ] Bi weekly. Lazy Cat.

2010-03-03T08:42:00.000-08:00

Yes, laughably i have failed once again to keep my blog regular. I just seem to get distracted so easily by the various other things in life I enjoy - mainly drinking, pokering and eating.

Anyway, here's a quick recap of what I've been up to poker-wise and otherwise.

I'm back in Brighton and enjoying escaping from London once again. I'm currently staying with James Dempsey aka Flushy aka Super Moeron.

I shared a flat with Flushy for a couple a years a few years ago and he hasn't really changed much. He still sucks at the pokerz although occasionally he binks some massive result to get him out of it.

Last year his winning year was almost entirely down to the SCOOP series on Pokerstars. During the series he put together an impressive three final table appearances, including a second place in the Main Event, good for about 200k or so. MBN...

There was some kind of snazzy watch for first though, so it's always fun to semi-mock Flushy by asking him the time before interrupting with mock realisation "Oh, sorry of course, you don't know. You haven't got a watch."

Never miss an opportunity to mock flushy.

He cleaned up nearly $300k in the series as a whole, pretty impressive, although when you consider the 200k or something he was up for the year was almost entirely down to one result, it gives you some idea of the variance involved in tournament poker.

One or two big results over the course of thousands of tournaments can make or break a poker player's year. One big flip here or there can mean the difference between a break even or a $200k+ year which is why playing poker is clearly a game of skill.

:)

Anyway the SCOOP is coming round again so I'll be taking my shot at collecting a watch and binking a fortune myself. I've had a couple of results in recent times on fugu - cake poker network which has raised my confidence somewhat with 2nd in the $10k grtd $10r and 1st in the $7.5k $5r in consecutive nights, good for $1.9k and $1.7k respectively.

Let's get binking people!

Here's the updated sharkscope.

Blogger's Tournament

2010-01-16T21:47:00.000-08:00

I may as well take advantage of the PokerStars' bloggers tournament that is going on, so a quick reminder here that I will keep you abreast of my progress throughout any tournaments I play.

In fact, I will try hard to keep at least a bi-weekly summing up of my progress in poker on all fronts, so keep 'em peeled for the latest and greatest information with all the highs and lows, - the wins and the losses of my bumpy poker career.

A little plug to PokerStars for running what should be a pretty exciting championship, here it is.

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker! The WBCOOP is a free online Poker tournament open to all Bloggers, so register on WBCOOP to play.

Registration code: 908021

Good luck to all playing in the competition! Let's win the lot...

A New Year!

2010-01-16T19:47:00.001-08:00

One year older, I find myself here in 2010 wondering where all the hoverboards and flying cars are.

It seems Back To The Future lied to us, but no bother as nonetheless there are plenty of exciting developments on the horizon for poker and also hopefully myself.

I've never been one to plan anything too successfully: much of my life has been a hazy stumbling back and forth between one interest and another and 2010 will doubtless be no different but there are a few things that are likely to be going on.

Number one, I will be moving back to Brighton, having resided in Hampstead, West London for the last six months since returning from my summer sojourn to Vegas.

Hampstead has its charms, but is perhaps a lilttle too sedate for my tastes and I have missed the hustle, bustle and vibrant environ that Brighton's eclectic community provides.

I will definitely miss the company of Dana, Jen and Snoopy, my housemates for the last six months. We have spent many fun times together over the last few years and I'm sure I'll be seeing plenty of them over the next year but I have enjoyed having them as housemates and it will be sad to leave them behind.

By the end of January I should be in the thick of things again down in Brighton so watch out kippers because I am returning shortly!

Come June, I expect I will probably be covering the World Series again with PokerListings. This has yet to be confirmed of course and you can never take anything for granted but it would be good to spend my third summer in a row at the WSOP mingling with the greats of poker (and the group of reprobates who I have got to know well over the last few years: PokerListings' cerebral member Owen Laukkanen, the bald, tubby, pugnacious and amusing Marty Derbyshire, cool as a cucumber Matt Showell, surfer boy Arthur Crowson and perhaps Ed "The King" Sevillano - depending on his plans - my Canadian colleagues and friends( apart from Ed who's a yank, but the good kind ;))

Last year PokerListings rented out a huge house with a cracking backgarden complete with swimming pool, inbuilt trampoline and basketball court.

The basketball court was particularly popular, sadly being a shortarse and more familiar with rugby and football, I took daily beatings at the game from the PL team but I started improving toward the end and I want revenge this year!

Here's a picture of the house...

I also want to replicate the success one of my articles had. It was the first time I had written something on the net that complete random people came up to me and congratulated me on so a quick plug for the Cristal Balla story - feel free to comment on the story btw as the more comments I get, the more I can give my colleague Marty Derbyshire the rubdown as we have a comment war going on.

It seems petty but you really can support the UK by leaving a comment on the article lol. Let's beat those Canucks!

The Cristal Balla

So that should be June to August sewn up.

Other than that I intend to grind poker hard, make some effort to do more creative pursuits as well - I have a few ideas lined up and of course hunt down and suck up every bit of kipper equity I can.

Anyway poker-wise I feel I am playing pretty well and due a decent result soon, but it would be remiss of me as a blogger not to complain about the bad beats a little, so I just wanted to say PLEASE CAN I RUN BETTER!

Nonetheless to spur me on and remind me things aren't terrible, here is a little brag post showing my form on sharkscope as a little inspiration to me to play more (and play better on PokerStars where I suck.)

Good luck and best wishes to all for the new year.

Blonde in Trouble?

2009-01-31T01:51:00.000-08:00

Well the answer to this is a resounding yes, and I am truly sad about this.

For months Blonde have struggled with finances. The margins for profit have always been relatively small and given a relentless period of financial difficulty it was inevitable something would snap sooner or later.

Well it just did and sadly Snoopy and Homer were the two men who felt the axe, both fired - or to use the ever-too-popular euphemism that has been floating around - "temporarily removed from their positions."

I feel bad for both of them.

Homer has managed the updates for the last year and a half to two years and it hasn't been the easiest of jobs but he has acquitted himself well and has certainly given a lot to blonde.

It was even harsher on Snoopy though. Snoopy was a crucial limb of blonde, and losing him cripples the site in a multitude of ways.

I always considered the foundation of blonde to be Tikay, Jen and Snoopy. Jen has continued to do updates over the last few years but her presence on the site has become much reduced, perhaps as she felt frustrated at not having her suggestions for bringing the site forward taken seriously.

That is a shame as apart from being an articulate and interesting writer, Jen's a very intelligent girl and when she has a suggestion, it is usually well thought out and meriting careful consideration.

With Jen moving to the background, that left Tikay and Snoops as the primary figureheads at blonde.

Tikay has and always will be an inspiration for me. He is no spring chicken (to say the fucking least!) but he retains an incredible enthusiasm for poker and has so many fingers in pies it is no suprise he allegedly only types with the one that isn't inserted into a pastry-coated treat of one kind or another.

Despite his mono-digital handicap, he still churns out his diary on blonde, plays poker regularly and works virtually full time as a presenter on sky.

I truly hope to have Tikay's boundless energy when I reach his age sometime in the 22nd century.

However I do think that his increased involvement with Sky did remove his ability to be as involved in blonde, both practically and emotionally. I know he's still very fond of the place but his jam-packed schedule means there are plenty of times when blonde is forced to take a backseat to his other interests and concerns.

This is not a criticism of Tikay - but I think it illustrates the increased importance on the work Snoopy does - or did - for blonde.

With Snoopy gone, blonde is now little more than a forum. A great forum sure, with lots of interesting characters and good information, but there are hundreds of similar forums out there. Maybe few have the close-knit community and good feeling that you see on blonde, but if blonde had any intentions of ever making money to being more than a forum then Snoopy was a vital necessity.

With him gone, I can't see this ever happening now.

He's a world-class poker journalist and a massive asset to blonde. He's shown great loyalty and ploughed his entire life into blonde for the last 4-5 years. It has been suggested by Tikay that Snoopy's work has little direct-revenue generating ability.

To me that was a massive wow as I was surprised that someone as astute as Tikay wouldn't realise that the opposite is true.

Snoopy's vast content, both in the form of the masses of news articles he writes, regularly updated results service and of course blondepedia are exactly the type of excellent content that all the successful sites I am familiar with strive to achieve.

There's no doubt Snoopy has raised blonde's reputation enormously in the poker world and that opens up superb opportunities for making money. If you want to be a successful business though, you simply have to grasp those opportunities, even if it means compromising on certain areas.

This is all a little vague and I will expand on this at a later date.

The card-room has been brilliantly promoted by Kev but the fact that it is only just better than break-even shows how difficult a job he has. I think without Kev it would be doing worse though. He's another incredible character...always quick with the funnies but not averse to rolling up his sleeves and applying some elbow grease to tricky situations.

I was always told not to trust someone who can't look you straight in the eye, but with Kev I make an exception.

Ok, there's hundreds of points I could touch on and go into in more depth about blonde and I'm sure I will at some point but for now this is just a random out-pouring of my thoughts.

Next up, EPT Deauville!

The Cat Strikes Back!

2009-01-31T01:46:00.000-08:00

This isn't the first time this blog has witnessed my departure and belated lazarus-esque return from the dead, but this time I am very keen to make it a more regular affair - so no excuses if I disappear into the thin stuff again.

I've got quite a few things to talk about, namely the recent Deauville EPT, my goals for the year ahead and perhaps most significantly the departure of Chris "Homer" Hall and Adam "Snoopy" Goulding from blonde.

There's stories aplenty out there at the mo and my take on things will be coming up shortly!

My New African Pen Pal - part 5

2007-06-18T04:57:00.000-07:00

Ah, he's no fun anymore. Just trying to get me to call some premium rate number probably charged at £27 a minute. I think he may be on to me. I think this may be his last message.....boooooooooo

>Dear One,
>
> Thanks for email response todat but please i

do not want to start saying this again please

call me let me know that you are very serious in

your word . Not serious? Is he for real.
>
> this is my number if you do not call this

number 0022508391531 then i know that you are

joking ok.
>
> From David Jacob

Ok, we're losing him. One last plea for help from me and this may be it. Maybe he's a rap fan?

Please, please help me!

Why would you think I am joking? I only want to help if I can, but I am in big trouble and need your help. Please help me!

I called your number but just got a recorded message saying,

"All of our operators are currently busy. Please bear with us, your call is important to us. If you have called regarding a percentage of a large inheritance, please press 1. If you have called to leave your bank details and personal information, please press 2. If you have called to arrange a meeting with one of our operators and would like reassurance you will not be frog marched to the nearest cash point machine, cleaned out, shot and dumped in the nearest river, please press 3. If you would like to
simply leave a message, wait for the beep and leave your bank details, mother's maiden name, religion, address and contact number after the tone so one of our Ree Poff Merchants can get back to your shortly. BEEEEEEEEEP. "

After being released from the station the other day I spent an unhappy night back at the flat in the spare room, wondering if at any moment my husband would come in and exact revenge for Jim's death. In the morning the police arrived to take me away. As the sirens got closer I heard some shuffling coming from the flat above where the Dre's live and some frantic voices...

... "Snoop hide the ganj man, it's the fecking POLIS bruv!"

...."I'm on it Dre. Put the damn A-K away, shove it in the bidet, no way we're gonna pay...."

Six burly officers dragged me off as my husband stood at the door, laughing and shouting, "you're going down for this you butchering bitch!"

Back at the station I was tied to a chair and a bright light was shone in my face. Two policemen known to me only as DC Goode and DC Badd questioned me. Badde looked at me menacingly, his top button undone, tie hanging loose and sleeves
rolled up. Sweat beaded his brow as he yelled in my face....

"This is it Staker. Those geeks in forensics have come back and your filthy prints are all over the joint..on the knife, the bird, all over the flat. You're bang to rights and going down hard. Ten years minimum in maximum security. You know what they do to bird killers in jail? You hear about the case of the "canary curtailer"? 2 years into her sentence they found her impaled on a broom with jsut the brush poking out of her mouth. Officially it was a cleaning accident but we know better. I won't even get into the story of the "sparrow slayer". Let's just say chrome chairs make a pretty painful suppository. Word is, they've already got plans for the "pigeon plugger". You're on the edge and one shove from us, it'll be sianara. It's time to play ball and
give us something you avian assassin! "

"Take it easy Badd. Come on Staker, we can help you. You want a cigarette? Here take one..." [he lit it for me and i took a drag]

Suddenly, Badd snatched it out of my mouth mid drag and stubbed it out on my hand....

"AARGGHH!"

"Enough bullshit. You know the family who live above you, the Dre's. Respectable family, dad's a doctor but word is they're moving more chronic than downtown LA. Give him up to us and we'll see what we can do. We've spoken to the canadian
muppet at no 6, u know him?"

"Mr Snow."

"Yeah, we know he knows something. We leaned hard on that fool but he just spouts out some incomprehensible crap about "icky boom boom down" then shuts up. He won't talk. Snow won't turn informer."

"What about the two girls in no 4. Maybe they know something. Both called Emma I think...."

"Em and Em? Nah, they might know something but Dre helped them out a while ago and they're not talkin'"

"give it up or face the consequences Staker. Don't make us throw you to the wolves!"

This went on for another four hours. I told them all I know but it's not enough. I'm for it. I implore you, please help me.

I don't know what to do!

Yours soon-to-be-convictedly,

Penelope Staker
xxxxxx

My African Pen Pal- Part 4

2007-06-16T12:45:00.000-07:00

No reply as of yet. Boooooo. I will attempt to coax him out of hiding by telling him the sad tale of Penelope Staker's misdemeanours.....

My dearest David, I write to you with a heavy heart, tears in my eyes and asda supersaver mascara staining my cheeks. I'm sorry to confide in you, but I don't know who else to tell... Tonight a terrible tragedy happened... I was cleaning the house when I found something under the bed which shook my world to its very foundations. Secreted away under our marital bed, I found a suitcase containing a hawaiian shirt, a ticket to honolulu airport, a small bird cage large enough for a pigeon and a tub of vaseline. There can be no doubt...Peter, my husband, was clearly planning to elope with Speckled Jim! I suppose the clues have always been there...the loving way he kisses him good night on the beak, the speckled feathers I often find in his boxer shorts and perhaps his insistence on playing the birdy song and forceful suggestions I dress up as Big Bird off Sesame Street while we make love should have rung more bells. God, I've been so blind, so blind and stupid! I felt numb at this discovery and found myself fetching a kitchen knife and approaching the cage of my new found love rival. Strangely I found Jim backed up against the cage, seemingly pressing his rear end against the wall. What I did next I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I grabbed Jim, one slice, one drawn out squawk and a flutter of speckly feathers later and Jim 's head was in my hands, his body a crumpled heap in the cage. I had killed him and sent him off to meet all the other peckers in the great pigeon race in the sky. Damn Kershaw and their razor sharp range of kitchen knives! I didn't know what to do so just sat crying. When Peter came home he found Jim and despite an attempt to resuscitate him using sellotape to reattach his head and pushing his little claws into a main's socket, he eventually realised this was futile and began shouting at me. Our neighbours, the Dre's, called the police because of the racket as it was upsetting their hoes. I was arrested and have been released on bail but I will surely be facing a stiff sentence for this. I can't do bird for doing a bird! The papers have already got hold of the story (see attached clipping) I feel I must run away. I hate to ask this but is there anyway I could come and stay with you? I will bring my bank details, passport and stuff in case these are of use to you. Please tell me you can help, please..... Yours desperately, Penelope Staker xxxxxxxxxx

My new African Penpal -part 3

2007-06-15T01:56:00.000-07:00

OK, so Mr Jacob (or is it Mr David?) didn't reply to my second e-mail. I obviously didn't approach him with the tact and decorum required and it looks like I may have blown my chances of shaking hands on the business deal

Perhaps a woman's touch is needed. Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow as they say.....

Dear Mr Jacob,

I am writing on behalf of my husband Peter Staker.

I know he has spoken to you recently concerning a business arrangement. I read the details of the proposal from your email and found it very exciting!

You sound like a wonderful attractive man and I would love to help you out if I can. If I am honest my husband can be a little distant at times. He is always attending his TOTE ALK UNTS meetings and tending to his carrier pigeon, "Speckled Jim." He says there is nothing going on but I find all sorts of strange purchases on his credit card. I mean what is a "pigeon strap-on" anyway?

He often fails to pay me the attention I deserve, spending hours in his pigeon loft doing press-ups apparently and I sometimes wonder if he would rather smoke a packet of cigarettes and stroke his bird than make love to me.

I am a woman with needs, both material and sexual and if we can help each other out in any way, then please let me know!

Yours hopefully and lovingly,

Penelope Staker x

PS I have enclosed a picture so you might better know me. I'd love to see one of you. I don't want to offend you but I have some more raunchy ones if it won't offend your humanity xxx
[picture of pretty girl attached]

BINGO. Mr Jacobs is quickly back on the case with a swift, if brief, reply....

Dear One.

Thanks for your sad response to me but i will not contact you if you can not say thing that sound very good to me or in the intrest of this transaction pls . let me know your intention clearily.

I wait to hear from you and God bless you and your family.

From Jacob David

Ok, so it's not exactly Mills and Boon, but from small acorns mighty oaks will grow. Let's try and clarify things for our new Ivorian friend and perhaps get his mighty oak to grow! I think him and penelope could get on really well!

Mr Jacob, or may I call you David.

I am so sorry that you did not understand. Please, I yearn to talk to a man who can help me.

I have a small amount of money set aside if that is of use to you. Probably not seeing as you are a multi millionaire but I also bake an extraordinary spongecake and in my youth was voted Miss South Acton Estate, a prestigious title in these parts!

I long to meet a man who sounds as honest and approachable as you. The fact that you have 6.5 million dollars and could keep me in gucci handbags and prada accessories for several years is of little consequence.

I don't wish to moan but my husbands antics worsen. Last night I was doing my evening job as a table dancer in my place of employment, "Megajugs", but was forced home when disaster struck.

A rowdy group of boys calling themselves "londites" or similar entered the establishment and started to throw peanuts at me, yelling "check out the norks on that!" and "that's the first big pair I've seen all day!" The worst offender was a man in a wheelchair (the others called him copperside i believe.)

I was obviously shaken up by this so I rushed home, only to walk in on my husband lying in our bed with his pigeon, Speckled Jim, shouting obscenities such as "F** yeah Jim, you like that don't you!".

He looked shocked on seeing me but claimed nothing was going on. When I enquired as to why Jim was dressed in small suspenders and a tiny bra, he told me this was the standard uniform for the great pigeon race and he was merely relaxing Jim to prepare him for the race.

This sounds reasonable but something is going on, I just know it! I tell you Mr jacobs I feel ready to cry and simply walk out on my husband into the arms of another man with whom i can share my love, life, bank details, scanned copy of my passport, address, postcode and any other personal details he may require.

Please tell me you can help. I have no one else to turn to!

Yours lovingly,

Penelope Staker xx

PS My husband does not know I am writing to you. He told me you have become a TOTE ALK UNT? Is this true? Are you really a TOTE ALK UNT? It doesn't matter to me either way. I still long to hear from you........... I have enclosed a further picture of me so you may admire my grandiose norks...I hope you like it x

[attached picture of girl with top off]

Much more subtle this time, I'm sure you'll agree. There's no way he won't write back, no way......

My new african pen pal - part 2

2007-06-15T01:54:00.000-07:00

LOL, he responds!

Looks suspiciously like a stock response though, simply cut and pasted. Hmmm think he should really be a little more focused on me. I mean, he's going to be living in my garden shortly!

On the plus side, he has sent me some information about himself.Lovely. And he has increased his offer. Cool. Although not quite to the level i require. He also wants me to come over the the ivory coast, probably for a good old chinwag and some bushmeat. Wellll, not SO keen on that, I'm a busy kipper and not sure they would have 24 hour access to a broadband internet connection.

Oh well, time to employ my old skills as a contract negotiator and see if we can come to some agreement.

Here goes!

Dearest One ,

Thanks a lot for your quick response to me. In fact your urgent response has given me a relief of mind in my search for an honest and sincere person that will understand my critical present situation here.Please truth trust and probity will be the watch word in this transaction.

As I said in my previous mail, AND I LIKE THE INVITATION A LEGAL BACKING TO PROOF THE LEGITIMACY my late father deposited this fund in one of the bank for safety keeping.

All the necessary document that covers the real existence of this fund is right here with me. I have confirm existence of this fund in the bank . i am giving you the proof by the current statement of account and the death certificate.

I want you to send to me, your telephone and cell phone fax number includes your your contact address, if possible your international front page passport and i will send my too.So that can make me to identify you very well. and I will like you to keep this transaction for both of us.

I will appreciated if you can arrange to meet me here in Abidjan, to know ourselves and wittness this noble business transaction in order to build and strenghten trust and understanding between ourselves.At least to assist me in dealing with the bank, since I don't know about their protocols, Knowing ourselves will go a long way to resolve the differencies.

Please find here the details to identify me

First Name :............................... Jacob

Last Name :............................... David
Birth Date : .............................16/03/1985 DD/MM/YYYY
Birth Place : .............................Bailiki
FATHER DIED ...............................5th Oct 2006
AMOUNT IS..................................................US$6,500,000
I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU............................. 25%
Phone Number :................................... (00225)08391531
Fax Number :.......................................... Not Available
Email :.............................................jacobdavid102000@yahoo.co.jp
Educational level....................................Univercity in the making.
Country : .........................................Cote d"Ivoire
National Currency : .....................................cfa
Religion : ..........................................christianity
Type of Person :................................. Humanity
Do you : Drink ............................. ocassionally
Do you. Smoke ...................................... No

2) TO SERVE AS THE GUARDIAN OF THIS FUND AND ALSO HELP ME TO GET THE FUND FROM THE BANK SINCE I DO NOT KNOW MUCH ABOUT THE BANKING PROCEDURES.

3) TO MAKE ARRANGEMENT FOR ME TO COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY TO FURTHER MY EDUCATION AND TO SECURE A RESIDENTIAL PERMIT FOR ME IN YOUR COUNTRY

From Jacob David.

OK here goes.

Dear Mr Jacob,

Thanks for your prompt response!

You certainly are an admirable businessman. I admire your efficiency and I'm sure this will make our negotatiations run very smoothly!

Now firstly may I thank you for sending through official documentation concerning your father's death and showing the existence of the money as below.

"Please find here the details to identify me

First Name :............................... Jacob

Last Name :............................... David
Birth Date : .............................16/03/1985 DD/MM/YYYY
Birth Place : .............................Bailiki
FATHER DIED ...............................5th Oct 2006
AMOUNT IS..................................................US$6,500,000
I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU............................. 25%
Phone Number :................................... (00225)08391531
Fax Number :.......................................... Not Available
Email :.............................................jacobdavid102000@yahoo.co.jp
Educational level....................................Univercity in the making.
Country : .........................................Cote d"Ivoire
National Currency : .....................................cfa
Religion : ..........................................christianity
Type of Person :................................. Humanity
Do you : Drink ............................. ocassionally
Do you. Smoke ...................................... No"

I have had a legal team examine the documentation and they have confirmed its validity. I am sorry for your father's loss but is seems you are indeed a wealthy man!

Although I had no need of proof as I trust the word of a man who sends random e-mails to people he has never met to arrange inter-continental transfers of vast sums of money, it is re-assuring to receive this!

A couple of things struck me which I'd like to address.

Firstly I see you have raised the figure from an initial 15% of the monies to 25%. Whilst I appreciate you are making the effort to find some common ground, I really find myself unable to accept this figure.

However as we have created quite a rapport, I would be churlish not to show some good faith, so I confirm I am willing to lower my initial request for 99.5% of the total monies to 99.1%. Please confirm this is acceptable.

"Religion : ..........................................christianity
Type of Person :................................. Humanity
Do you : Drink ............................. ocassionally
Do you. Smoke ...................................... No"

I know this may sound harsh but I do have a few requirements of people who I do business with.

I see you are a man of humanity who drinks occasionally and doesn't smoke. I thought no less! However the only people I can do business with must be

a) Chain smokers (I'm sure it would be possible to take up the habit. In england we have now cured cancer so there is no need to worry about harmful side effects. It is considered both attractive and desirable to smoke heavily and in fact our very own Queen Elizabeth smokes 40 superkings a day now)

b) Heavy drinkers(there is a vast drinking culture in england and anyone who doesn't do so is simply cast aside as weak and unable to hold their booze. I need you to confirm that you will shortly be imbibing at least one half litre of 40% proof spirits such as Jack daniels daily before we can continue discussion. Thanks)

c) They must join my religion, the TOTE ALK UNTS. Before you protest, i realise as a christian you would be loathe to give up your current beliefs but I think they will sit happily beside those of my religion. There are literally thousands of TOTE ALK UNTS all over the world and the religion grows on a daily basis.

There is no ceremony or invocation procedure required. In fact just by sending me this email you have shown yourself to be a TOTE ALK UNT so I would thank you from the bottom of my heart and ask if you could just confirm your commitment in in your next email with the following words "I am certainly a TOTE ALK UNT", we can continue our business transaction. Thanks in advance.

Ok, So our business deal moves ever closer to completion. I am thrilled at the progress we are making!

Now you have requested a few things of me, notably my phone number, passport, address and fax number. Obviously I'm massively keen to furnish you with these sensitive personal details, given that we have now exchanged 2 emails but I have a few problems sending them through immediately.

Firstly I do not currently have a phone or passport. I find phones unnecessary in today's modern age and when I'm not conversing with people over email I make all other correspondance via carrier pigeon.

Passport-wise, I do not currently hold a valid passport as I sent my last one in the post to another contact in Africa (that shady nigerian I mentioned earlier) and he has failed to return it as of yet. Honestly, you just can't trust some people! Unfortunately this also means I am unable to visit you in your lovely country of Ivory Coast.

However given your good faith in providing some of your personal details, I feel I should give you some information and personal details to allow you to feel you can trust me implicitly as I now trust you.

Height...........................6`10
Weight..........................260 kilos
Appearance...................dishevelled
ROI in 20$ poker stts......43%
Favourite poker hand......7 4 of diamonds

I have also enclosed a photograph of myself so you might better identify me for future transactions.

I hope this helps!

I am poised and ready to complete and our business transaction. I thank you for you courtesy and look forward to your future response.

Yours sincerely

P S Taker
(known to you as dearest one)

My new african penpal part 1

2007-06-15T01:50:00.000-07:00

I received an email from a man from the ivory coast offering me fortunes if I could help him. Sounds kosher! You do hear tales of scams and fast ones being pulled on unsuspecting folks but this guy sounds genuine to me. Thought I should at least do him the courtesy of responding.....

From :jacob david
Abidjan, Ivory Coast
(jacobdavid0@yahoo.co.jp)

APPEAL FOR BUSINESS ASSISTANCE.

Dear ,

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I got your name and contact from our country chambers of industry (internet department). I prayed over it and selected your name among other names due to its esteeming nature and the recommendations given
to me as a reputable and trust worthy person that
I can do business with and by the recommendation ,
I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple
and sincere business .

I am jacob david only son of late Mr. and Mrs. david Morgan . My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in Abidjan , the economic capital of Ivory coast, my father was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outings on a business trip .

My mother died when I was a baby and since then my father took me so special. Before the death of my father on october 2006 in a private hospital here in Abidjan he secretly called me on his bed side and told me that he has the sum of Six million,five hundred thousand United State Dollars. USD ($6,500,000.00) left in fixed / suspense account in one of the prime bank here in Abidjan ,that he used my name as his only son for the next of Kin in depositing of the fund. He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his business associates. That I should seek for a foreign partner in a country of my choice where i will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose.

Dear, I am honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways:
(1) To provide a bank account into which this money
would be transferred to.
(2) To serve as a guardian of this fund.
(3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your
country to further my education and to secure a
resident permit in your country.

Moreover, I am willing to offer you 15%
of the total sum as compensation for your effort/
input after the successful transfer of this fund into
your nominated account overseas.

Furthermore, you indicate your options towards assisting me as I believe that this transaction would be concluded within fourteen (14) days you signify interest to assist me. Anticipating to hear from you soon.

Thanks and God bless.

Best regards,
Mr jacob david.

...WOW sounds great. 15% of 6.5 mill or $975k, that will bankroll me for at least a few months playing 3-6 omaha hi lo limit. Far be it for me to take advantage of a guy who has suffered such misfortune, but, well they raised us greedy on the gold paved streets of west london, so I'm going to up the stakes.

Hello Mr Jacob,

Thank you for your correspondance. It sounded intriguing! I would like to congratulate you as your english is remarkably good.

I received an offer a while ago from a nigerian businessman, and was poised to release my bank details but a close friend alerted me to the notion that nigerian businessman cannot be trusted to conduct multimillion pound deals with total strangers over email.

I found this shocking!

In england a man's word is his bond. I once gave a vagrant ten pounds under the condition it be spent on a good meal and some blankets to keep him warm. He promised me this and it being england I took this man at his word. Later on I spied the same vagrant lying on the street inebriated, surrounded by several tennants super strength cans, singing "I am a little goblin and i like a little gobblin'" at the top of his voice. Clearly he had spent my funds on furthering his debauchery.

Outraged at the betrayal I demanded my money back and when he responded by vomiting on my shoes I bitch slapped him multiple times till he handed over the 27p in his possession. Small return on my investment but at least he learnt his lesson!

I trust a man's word holds similar value in your fine country of the Ivory Coast. In fact I am a close friend of a star from your country, a certain Didier Drogba. I say close friend, in fact i met his sister once, and have watched him play on tv a few times, but you can see from the way he strikes the ball so sweetly, he is a man of honour and I would expect honourable intentions from anyone i enter into business with.

Now here is the crux of the matter....I see you have promised me 15% of the 6.5 million dollars (US) that you inherited in return for my safeguarding of your funds and to provide education and residency within england.

Now, as regards education, I think we could arrange this very easily. I have an old copy of endyclopedia brittanica which I would be happy to lend to you. Some pages are missing but mostly these are concerning mettalurgy and I think it may be a few years in england before you require information about the miscible properties of molten copper and iron. You should learn all you need to from this book.

Residency-wise, I believe the government are clamping down on immigration as part of their get tough policy. In order to dissuade the vice-like clamp of the immigration authorites from removing you from the country once you arrive, I will arrange for you to stay at the bottom of my garden.

I have a small wendy house there. Whilst this is primarily designed for 6 year old children, I think you will find it quite advanced. It comes complete with many facilities including a Fisher Price "My First Oven", a small plastic chair and even a stuffed toy with one eye missing we call Simon the Cyclops. You may find the winter nights a tad chilly but cuddle up to Simon and the time will surely whizz by!

So with these details taken care of, there is only the small matter of the money. Of course I am happy to send you my bank details through immediately but I think as I am sorting out most of the arrangements, I would require a slightly higher percentage of the money.

You have offered me 15% of the 6.5 million dollars (US). IInstead I would like to propose a figure of 99.5% of the monies as renumeration for my efforts. If you can agree with this request I will immediately send my bank details and we can begin the business in hand!

Please let me know your response as soon as possible Mr Jacob.

Thanks for you help and i look forward to our future business.

Yours sincerely,

P S Taker

Well blow me down

2007-06-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

Hi there feline followers.

My blog is not quite dead but i admit it is lying in the ambulance with paramedics crowded round desperately giving it CPR whilst others rub that jelly shit on the de-fibrilator and are moments away from shouting "CLEAR"

Poker has to be frank been shit for me this year. I wish I could attribute it all to bad luck and whilst that has been a factor i simply have not been playing well enough and my bankroll has been severely depleted.

I've managed to pick up a few small results recently and feel like I am playing pretty well at the moment but I need a good few months to get back on track or I may be forced into gainful employment like everyone else in the rat race. Please poker gods, u owe me, don't feck with me now!

Had a good run in the mansion comp recently. First time I've played it in a while but managed a creditable 12th for $1k and was in contention at the end, though the sick blind structure meant I was having to push in whenever i played a hand....

3rd in the 5k on boss for $444 was ok, although i ruled that tournament and managed to lose 4 70 30s or better for massive pots otherwise the cat was gonna take that shit down (bad beat stories over folks you can remove your hands from your eyes!)

I almost won a seat to the bolton poker 6 but in the end came 2nd for another 1k which was quite enjoyable. Zzzzzzzrope, a fellow blondite (blonde poker being a forum I often post on) won so good luck to him in Bolton.

I put the fact that I'm playing better down to exposure to stts. Going back to basics has helped my game a lot and I'm now finding spots to attack and places to fold even good hands much more easily. The kippers are lining up for the cat to gun down so I've got myself an arsenal of moves and ammo aplenty to aim, take fire and shoot....bring it on you slimy gilled creatures!

Sidenote on 24/Lost/ Heroes

24 has been the worst series in my recollection. The writers have run out of steam a bit and despite there being a few classic episodes, overall the series has lost momentum and creativity. There have always been holes in 24s plot but mostly these were enjoyable. Just recently though the cliched situations that happen just havent been as much fun!

Maybe it's time to kill Jack off. How about a sub series with Kim Bauer working at a strip joint....what's the plot i hear you ask....WHO NEEDS A DAMN PLOT WITH NAKED KIM!!

Lost has been quite enjoyable even though it has meandered at times and they killed off Mr Eko and Ana lucia, two of my favourite characters. Overall though it gets 7.5/10 for a good worthwhile series and at least they ended it well....

Heroes was perhaps the best of the lot, although similarly to 24 the ending was awful. I hope series 2 is as good...let's hope so. The villain sylar is one of the best characters in all 3 of these shows...he's awesomely menacing and powerful but he seems to have been killed. Will he reappear next series...?

Anyway enough for now, take it easy kippers and I'll try and keep you abreast of developments in the cat world more effectively.

BYEEEEEEEEEE

Kippers and PLOM/8 STTs

2007-04-19T20:00:00.000-07:00

I've never really played plom8 stts much before the transition from tribeca to playtech. No one wanted to play them see...

I've played plenty of mtts and cash though and have a good understnading (in my humble opinion of course!) of how they work.

STTS though were a new beast to me though so when i got stuck into them I knew I had some learning to do.

I started off well, primarily playing 6 handed 20$ stts, and soon realised there's plenty of dead money in these games. However I went through a little downswing and was beginning to doubt my ability but then started crushing them recently so my former assurance was recovered. HAHAHAA does that sound like the most results-orientated kippery bollocks you ever did hear!

Anyhoo, having played in excess of 100 of these now, I feel like several things have become apparent.

1) I needed to loosen up my starting hand requirements. Having played a lot of cash where I tend to have very strict hand requirements, 6 handed stts are a different animal and hands like 34KQ which are pretty fishy in cash games can be played profitably in stts given the right situations (often on the button)

2) There's a nucleus of decent players on playtech. I won't boost their already swollen egos by mentioning them but there is a clear number of players who are head and shoulders above the average kipper. Game selection considerations suggest i should avoid these players but the shortage of the player base playing these stts means i can't really. Importantly though I do feel i have an edge on these players (No problem boosting my own swollen ego clearly!)

3) There are some players ranging from bad to absolutely horrendous. These are the absolute dead money. They occasionally fluke a result but basically they are there to sit there lining the pockets of the other players. Generally they are very scared around the bubble as they dont get many results so you can limp their blind and min bet and usually pick it up.

Just for fun, I'd like to run through the thought processes of different types of PL omaha players.

Here are our heroes and villains.

Weak tight kipper

Good player.

Aggressive Kipper

OOoops registered by mistake kipper.

Weak tight kipper.
Thoughts on strategy: Ok, I'm here to come second. I know A2 is a good hand so ill play this most of the time unless someone raises a lot of chips. Then I'd better fold because you know it's better safe than sorry. If someone raises my blind, I wee a little bit in my trousers. Then I fold. I wish they'd stop raising. I heard you're not sposed to raise in omaha hi lo. They're breaking the rules arent they? Please let me come 2nd. Oh no it's the bubble :( ok Im gonna just fold till theres 2 left then i can quit. Why has junglecat raised again? :( he's ruining my trousers. He sure gets a lot of good hands. I wish I was as lucky as him :(

Good Player.
Thoughts on strategy. Ok I'm here to win you mofos. Looking round all i see is fodder for me to fire bets at. All these kippers are privileged to be on my table. I'm going to try and build a stack up by seeing some flops and using my naturally superior post-flop skill to shake and break the kippers. Aggro bad players I'll see lots of flops with as their stack is constantly up for grabs. Weak tight players are gonna give me their blinds. Come bubble time Ill be stealing a lot, playing lots of pots in position so I can pick up valuable chips. Let's get it on morons. You're here to pay homage to your lord and master! On your knees kippers, I SAID ON YOUR KNEES!

Aggressive Kipper
Thoughts on strategy. Raise every pot. Pot every flop. Then check cards. Might fold on turn if I still don't have a pair otherwise i'm going all the way baby. I love action and i bring action. Do I win? Well probably. I don't keep track of the money like you nerds. It's hard to fill in a spreadsheet when you're pressing raise BITCH! It's all luck anyway. Fuck you. No seriously you pussy. You want to play you gotta pay. What, I'm out? Oh well probably a bad beat. I'll fire up another and get raisin'. And you can kiss my hairy butt!

Ooops registered by mistake kipper
Thoughts on strategy: Er, I dunno, seems like there's more cards. Bit like that game, what's it called ....homo-hah? Except this is homo-hah hello. Sounds a bit gay but I'll give it a go. Ok so what do I do? Dunno ill just wait till i get a good hand. Hey cool! Monster!!! Someone's raised. IM ALLLLIN. Yeh baby! This pot is mine. All the chips in the middle and they're all mine. Tooo GOOD TOO GOOD. SHIP THAT POT TO DA KIPPER SHIP THAT PO......what? I lost??
But I had quads and it's saying he won with a straight. What is this bullshit :( Stupid rules. I dont get them. Ah well fire up another Ill get the hang of this soon. I hope........

Oh look Cat won a comp therefore.....

2007-04-07T08:31:00.000-07:00

........like a fucking predictable kipper, I make a blog entry.

I guess it's entirely natural that poker players' blogs consist almost entirely of shameless, self-proclaiming chirps when they've won something, or a series of whining, bleating moans when they're on a bad run.

I cannot deny that this is the case here, but at least you don't have to listen to me whinging on about getting ironed out again.

Yes, I won a comp. It shows what a shit year I'm having that winning a 10$ rebuy is cause to gloat but fuck it, it's my blog and chirp away I shall. 124 runners, i came to the final table after hitting some nice cards with 4 x the average, uber chippie and never threw it away, taking home 900$ exactly.

There's no point going through the comp, i had some nice cards after a wretched rebuy period but I will post one hand as it was one of the strangest I've ever played.

I have J9s with 295k in the sb, my opponent 135k in the bb. (4k 8k)

I make it 18k to go, he calls.

Flop comes Qs 9d 4c.

I like the flop so when he checks i bet 15k. He check min raises me. Hmmm, i'm not ready to let go yet so i call him.

Turn is the 2d. He bets 8k, I'm having none of that so i make it 22k, he again minimum raises me 14k to 36k!

I can't work out what the fuck he has. He's obviously telling me a story of great strength, but I'm having trouble buying his tale. I can't see QQ or 99. The only set he might have is 44 but based on a play he made earlier, I can't see it.

The river is a 4. He pushes for 51k.

I feel like I'm kind of committed with my 2nd pair here given the size of the pot. I just couldn't work out if i was good or not.

I call. He has K2 for bottom pair which he hit on the turn and I win, taking the comp down in the process. Flushy mocked me for calling this bloke down, but to be honest it was based on how he had played throughout the final. His style of play was, like flushy, FAG or Fish AGgressive.

Anyway the win rounded off a good week with five final tables, including a live result (5th in a 10 quid rebuy for 300£) which I should have won but couldnt get KK to hold. I've been playing a lot more MTTs recently and feel my form is returning back to the old days where I used to win one a week.

Just a quick mention of my moron flatmate Flushy who has been getting some great results in the sussex masters festival in brighton. The guy's a fish but you can't knock 1st in a 100 rebuy for 5.5k and getting a 2.7k deal result in the £300 fo too.

The 2nd one's a bit odd. Flushy hates making deals as he knows he has a good edge on people on final tables who are afraid to go broke whilst he can just play without worrying about the money so much.

The £300 comp was scheduled to be a 2 day event but they reached the last 10 players, flushy on 110k and a decent chip lead. A laughable 10 way chop was suggested which flushy rightly scoffed at. It meant it looked likely they would have to come back tomorrow. At this point the other players on flushy's table all started abusing him calling him "cunt" "wanker" and other such names almost every hand. Now Flushy, being the person that he is, is used to regular abuse, but I could tell when he related the story to me later that this bad tempered needling upset him, especially as part of it was from a guy he previously considered a friend. Eventually, fed-up with constant abuse, Flushy gave in and dealt (admittedly after losing his chip lead!)

Rare that I feel like I should stand up for Flushy but this kind of childish behaviour is pretty pathetic and had he called me up, I'd have got over to the casino and given him some support. What kind of ball-less morons want to chop the money before the final table's even started?

Fuck me, I don't know why after the first 20 people were eliminated they didn't suggest a 60 way chop so they can all bank their small profit, go home to a cup of bovril and jack off over knitting patterns.

Absolutely pathetic.

They are lucky it wasn't me in flushy's position, because there would have been no dealing once they tried the strong arm bullshit. Well I might have offered them 1st place money to the cat, the rest of you chop the remainder. Deal or no deal bitches?

Anyway well done to flushy who won 2 events at the last festival, has won the 100 rebuy this time and basically "chopped" the 300, although the farcical deal meant the competition basically ended with 10 left.

Whatta fukkin liberty! Laterz kippers.

CHALLENGE IS A WASHOUT!

2007-03-23T07:20:00.000-07:00

Welll, pretty much anyway.

Stupid tribeca moving to playtech, more of that later, has buggered up the challenge a bit.

The traffic on playtech is large with often 17k+ players, but for some reason this translates badly into the stt traffic with tables fillign up painfully slowly except at very peak times.

What is worse is that due to the absence of the transatlantic kippers from america that we all love nightime traffic is slower than the offspring of a page three girl and a chippendale.

This is bad news for the cat as I love slumming around late at night laying waste to kippers. :(

The PL om8 tables are pretty much empty bar the best players from tribeca so the value is pathetic on them now and i can't be arsed playing really which is reflected in the figures to follow.

On the plus side the mtts have good structures and there are plenty of 15-50 freezeouts which i enjoy. Maybe the site will grow on me......I do like the fact there are some 20 and 50$ plom8 stts to play.

Time will tell. If i can't adjust to the new site, ill probably ship my bankroll over to full tilt.

Anyway, here's the stats so far.

Stts
Played 169
Av time 30 mins
Profit $1901
hours played 84
ROI 49.9%
Hourly Rate 22.62$
Rake paid $350.10

Summary
Going well. Had a bad dip in the middle, which affected my ROI considerably but variance is life in poker. Finding the plom/8 games quite profitable. Overall i place 52% of the time, and finish 1st 24% of the time across all 9/10 and 6 handed games. This seems high but i think is maintainable. I wouldn't say I had run particularly good but i haven't run that bad either.

OM/8 PL Cash

Hours Played 13.38 (i know... nothing!)
Profit $222.74
Hourly Rate $16.65

Summary

Can't analyse this. I know my standard hourly rate is better than this but without the traffic i can't play so what u gonna do??!

MTTS

Played 19
Total Buyins $418
Winnings $975
Profit $557
Time played 30 hours
Hourly Rate $18.60

Summary
Again can't analyse a sample this size. Have played generally crap though i must admit. Had a chance to win the mansion 100k when i got allin for a pot to put me top 5 with AT v J8 but lost.
Variance again means i need many more tournaments before reflecting on these stats.
LOL donkaments is the phrase i beleive!

Heads up games

Only a minor change from before as ive only played 3 (lost 2 won 1)
but for completeness here they are again

HU games won 64.7%
Number played 325
Hourly Rate $32

Summary
I can obviously beat up the low levels up to 50. I need a bigger bankroll i feel before hitting the 100s.

OVERALL

I should stick to heads up and stts i guess! I expect my tourney results to get better though. But being able to 2/3 table stts means these are probably the most profitable.

Anyway enough boring analysis and numbers for now

Good luck kippers. Seeya soon!

Cat Challenge

2007-03-05T03:53:00.000-08:00

Well, i challenged myself to do 100 stts, 100 hours of omaha hi lo 100 hu games and 50 mtts to compare how i did in all.

The MTT challenge has yet to be completed. After about 10 mtts im operating at -10$/hour so not great, but we'll wait for the full 50 before drawing any tenuous conclusions. (because 50 will be statistically significant of course. What? You don't agree with this kipper? Well guess what son, GFY!)

STTS

I've just finished 100. These were the results.

PLAYED - 100
PROFIT -$1468
HOURS PLAYED - 57
HOURLY RATE - $25.63
ROI - 63.74%
1st places - 26
2nd places - 20
3rd places - 11
(in 9/10 handed)
BUBBLES - 13

PLACED IN $ - 57 OUT OF 100

I played most of these at 15-25$ level and the majority were 9 handed although there were some 6 pacs and some 10'ers in there too. I started like a train and was on over 100% ROI for about the first 40 but variance caught up with me and i had a very bad patch with 30 left dropping my ROI significantly.

I 2 tabled most of these, found the kippers very easy to play and read. Once I get my bankroll to a good level, I hope to start playing more 50s and 100s where I feel I do have an edge.
I feel like I can actually raise my ROI at up to 25$ stt level from the 63% it is at at the moment. Whether this is optimistic or not i don't know. STT specialist would probably tell me it is, but it's good to be positive! Let's see how the next 100 go.

HEADS UP STTS

Well, i haven't played many stts so i'm going by my stats from last year over 325 games, almost exclusively at 20$ level.

GAMES WON/ PLAYED - 255/394
GAMES WON % - 64.7%
PROFIT - $1868.25
HOURLY RATE - $32.9

I could do with some more HU practice but again I would like to challenge myself at the higher levels and once my bankroll is in better shape I should be able to see whether I can maintain the 65% winning rate at this level.

I have to cut the post short for now but I'll put the rest of my stats and what conclusions I can draw from them up shortly. Till then, be safe kippers....

New year new dreams

2007-02-09T11:13:00.000-08:00

Hi there feline followers.

No posts for a while while i wiled away the hours grinding my bankroll steadily up.

This is going to be jsut a quick post witha few random thoughts just sos you know I'm still alive!

Ok last year, finished up with just shy of $50k profit over the year. Pretty poor effort i would say although taking roughly 2 months out where i played no poker didn't help. This year I aim to beat this but I'm not setting a figure so the pressure isn't there.

One thing I'll be doing early on is assessing which parts of poker I'm strongest at.

I aim to play 100 stts, 100 Hu games, 100 hours of omaha hi lo cash, 50 nl he tournaments and see how my ROI, hourly rate etc compare for all of these. I've already put 21 stts away and I'm running v good so far but I'll reveal the results when I've completed all this. Should be interesting reading and analysis for me at least. If you get bored shitless reading it well FU kipper that's life!

Other aims for the year include....getting fit. Ive started doing some running and every day doing some weights and pressups so hopefully i can keep up this regime and stop myself falling into the classic poker player's trap of becoming fat and ouot of shape due to the sedentary lifestyle. Hopefully I'll be in a position of running a half marathon by the end of the year, which will be a big improvement as I ran 2 miles the other day and very nearly collapsed. I've chucked smoking again as well so I'll be concentrating hard on not picking the old cancer sticks up again.

I also had the pleasure of meeting the claimer/ action man/ rick trigg recently. He was down for the brighton festival and occupied the couch at our flat while he was here.

I've always had a laugh with him online so thought he would be a giggle and indeed we had a good craic. I'm slightly concerned that he is modelling his behaviour on Tony G as he will often be heard bellowing "What is this? " and "Justice" at particular poker situations but he's a good guy and even found time to give me a successful horse tip. N1 fella!

He's currently involved in a challenge with portfolio to see who performs best this month in the nightly tribeca $15k and $20k grtd tournaments. Both very good players, I expect portfolio to get more cashes but rick to have the edge in high places. Should be interesting to see who comes out on top. Gl both.

Anyway, that's about it for now. I'll try and be more regular this month,(in my blog, i don't mean ill be eating more bran flakes) and I'm painfully aware I haven't mocked any kippers for a bit.

Don't fret, I am still committed to exposing kipperiness in all its forms. Expect mockery soon!

Take it easy and good luck for the new year kippers!

Yearly recap

2006-12-04T16:35:00.000-08:00

Ok, we're into the last month of 2006 and Christmas is rapidly approaching. Now seems a good time to recap the year.

Poker-wise i have to say I'm not massively happy with how the year has gone.

First off , has my game progressed?

NLHE
I've stuck to tournaments in NLHE, but I'm not at all sure my game has progressed massively. My results are certainly worse than last year. I think pressure over ensuring a steady profit coupled with some family problems have interfered somewhat with my game. Not to worry, I have some strategies in the off to ensure 2007 becomes the year of the cat.

One thing that has improved is my NLHE heads up play. I did a little test a while ago, playing 500 heads up stts in a row, mainly 20-25$. I finished with a 64.4% win rate which i regard as very acceptable. I learnt a lot during this time and improved my play all round.

If anyone wants to improve their general play i recommend playing a load of HE games and raising 90% of the hands on the button and betting 90% of the flops. Apart from the fact that this approach will yield some good results, over time your hand and reading skills will improve as you are relentlessly forced into marginal situations over and over. It becomes a lot of fun deciding when to value bet 3rd pair and when to call a frustrated opponent playing back when you've only got K hi!

OMAHA/8

I worry for the future of limit omaha/8. I love the game and used to multitable 3-6 and 5-10 on party. Now that party have cut off our trans-atlantic cousins though, the games have died and party is struggling to keep one 2-4 table at most times.

Paradise don't tend to run many games, Tribecca limit games are very few and far between, although good fun and value when they do run. I don't really have a bankroll on other sites but ill be checking out full tilt soon. If anyone knows of any regular online om8 limit games, give the cat a heads up and you'll have a feline friend for life.

PLOM/8

This year I have developed my PLom/8 cash game though and now feel very comfortable multitabling 25 50c and 50c 1$. Not the biggest limits i admit. I feel I can play 2-4 maybe 5-10 but right now it would be foolhardy with my bankroll. If i can roll myself up early next year, ill be moving up to these limits.

I'm 41,567$ up at the moment, which is reasonable but if I'm honest is less than I expected
. Ill be chuffed if I can have a good december and hit 50k....

That's all for now, take it easy and good luck all.

PS up to 164 in the tribeca list so far, 64 spots to go!

Tribeca leaderboard

2006-11-28T10:58:00.000-08:00

In the absence of anything more interesting taking my fancy, I'd just like to share my witterings concerning the tribeca leaderboard.

Put simply, it is a joke! Many of the top players at the site do not feature near the top simply becuase of its bizarre scoring system. The scoring heavily favours final table spots, with buyin, no of runners and prizepool much less important.

As a result the top of the leaderboard tends to be a collection of those players who regularly play the 2 table tournaments as these are the easiest way to build up points.

Let me give u an example.....

You play in the 15k grtd, a 27$ rebuy with 250-300 runners or so. You play very well, make the final table and finish 3rd to net 1.5k or so. Not 100% certain that amount is correct due to recent strange changes in the prize structure. Anyway a great performance and a nice payday.

This earns you 37 leaderboard points. OK.

Now you play a 6$ 2 table tournament. You win it and haul the mighty 50$ prize your way. Well played, but obviously nowhere as big an achievment as 3rd in the 15k.

So, you get 10 points or so? Maybe less?

36!!!!!!!

YES THIRTY SIX!

This is ridiculously biased, with the result that the upper echelons of tribecca's leaderboard is replete with the kippers swimming around the 2 table comps.

Yet there are some rewards to finishing well in the tribecca leaderboard.

Top 54 every week and u get in a 1k freeroll. 20$ roughly, fair enough
Top 99 every month and u get in 5k freeroll. 50$ roughly, nice one.
Top 99 for year. Freeroll with 3 x 12k$ packages. 360$ roughly. COOL.
Top 500 for year. 25k Freeroll. 50$ roughly. Nice one.

Plus the top 3 every week and month get some sort of benefit. Buyins to the 36 rbuy on sunday i think.

http://www.vcpoker.com/tournaments/aboutleader.htm

this is the link.

Anyway i fancy getting into the 36k freeroll for the top 99 over the year. Sadly i havent played enough 2 tables to be anywhere near the top so i decided to do an experiment.

I was sitting in 240th and decided to see if i could make top 100 by the end of the year, primarliy on a diet of 2 table tournaments. After 2 weeks of playing i have climbed 70 places to 170. I don't feel like my results have been particularly impressive either but good enough to rocket me up. I now have december to make up the last 70 places so ill be putting some time into the 2 table comps and see what happens.

I'll keep you abreast of developments and the news of further horrifying developments at tribecca ...! (This one will shock you)

To Be Continued...........

Poker4Charity Newcastle Part 2 + OtherStuff

2006-10-18T19:59:00.000-07:00

Once again, I post a blog entry and leave an inordinate amount of time before posting the second entry. I even surpassed myself this time by promising a 2nd installment which I then failed to deliver. WOW, man I'm a bastard. Or you're gullible. Or some other shit got in the way as usual. Plus I'm lazy. Just mingle all this stuff together in the blender, chuck in some ice, press the button, hear the whizz and pour yourself a lame-ass excuse smoothie. Enjoy!

Wellllll, I don't want to go into a long story about the newcastle event. At a later date I may or may not expand upon the simple, unadorned account I'm about to give but not right now dude. Let's just say , I got there, got lucky a few times, and ended up with all the chips and won the pot limit event.

Which was sweet.

It was a very good event, well organised and great fun. In the two times I've been to newcastle I've found the locals friendly and up for fun which is all the cat asks. And a plentiful supply of alcohol. And some chicks. And...ok Ill stop now before I'm arrested.

Other news? Wellllll, since the newcastle event, I played in the ICHUC - due to be held in newcastle but moved at the last minute to scarborough. For those who aren't aware this was an event organised by poker4charity consisting of a series of heads up matches between english and irish representatives.

I'll be putting up an entry about this at some point but for now suffice to say we had a real good time, drunk a lot, messed about in caravans and drank some buckfast.

Since the poker4charity comp, pokerwise i've been running really bad, as bad as I have ever since i started poker. I've lost with top set 5 times in a row during this run, managed to lose 6 hands in a row where I've been dominating my opponent. Had KK and AA back to back and lost both to TT and AJ! Oh and got one outed for an 85k pot when the guy in 1st had 90 and 2nd 42. Basically any bad beat that can happen has happened to me in the last 3/4 weeks.

Uh oh. I always planned on never turning my blog into a series of bad beat stories. And yet here I am bitching on like one of the kippers. Just ignore my spurious mewings.

In a totally unrelated (i think) matter, I've given up smoking. Going well, i had one minor indiscretion where i smoked 2 cigarettes in a row but other than this, i've been going strong for about 9 days or so, which is a lifetime for me. I'm gonna do it baby, no holding me back!!

ANyway this was jsut a quickie so you know I'm not dead. I'll have a better thought out and more interesting entry to post next time but till then be good and stay lucky dudes...

Poker4Charity - Newcastle Part 1 - THE JOURNEY INTA TOON

2006-09-02T21:33:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I played a couple of poker tourneys in newcastle. These were poker4charity tournaments, always a good laugh. Below is part one of the trip. The account's quite long so i've split it into sections. This was the journey up......

I headed off with flushie from brighton station to King's Cross around 2 o clock. We found a table and started the inevitable heads up battles we always have on train journeys. I must admit flushie had got the better of me in live heads up games previously, but the month i spent playing entirely heads up games improved my play immensely and I now think we are very evenly matched.

By the time we had reached King's Cross to change onto the Newcastle train, we were still locked in battle so picked up the chisp and cards and went to catch our train from the main station via a sandwich shop. Ship that bacon brie and cranberry sandwich catwards.

Ok so we get on the train but what is this? Pretty much every seat is reserved. Now to be honest this kind of thing pisses me off. We paid £107 for a return ticket to newcastle. A rip off if ever i saw one. Then it turns out we haven't got anywhere to sit!

Angered by this, we just sat down at the one of the tables with reserve tickets behind the seat and removed the tickets. (I later found out there's a £200 fine for this. LMAO. You'll have to prise this money out of the cat's cold dead paws bitch)

Anyway we cracked open the chips and cards. As the train filled up a small asian man approached and pointed out he had the seats reserved. Fair play, the guy had his family with him so we retired to a couple of unoccupied seats jsut behind. Sitting opposite us was a guy using his laptop and just behind him was a 35+ yr old woman who had piled her luggage up on the seat next to her in what was to prove a futile attempt to keep it clear.

We pushed on with our game (which i eventually won, i forget the details, suffice to say flushie got schooled.) We got to Leeds (i think) quite uneventfully when a new group of travellers boarded the already bursting train. As people bustled through the train miserably searching for places to sit, one man approached the woman and asked if she could remove her stuff so he could sit down. She was pretty reluctant about this but eventually moved her stuff and the guy plonked his ass down in the seat.

Me and flushie cracked on with another game and about 20 minutes had passed when a bit of a fuss started to develop. We heard the woman saying to the man "please move you're being obscene!"

"I'm not moving" replied the man.

"If you don't move I'm calling the guard. You're being a disgusting man!"

Suffice to say at this point me and flushie were having trouble stifling our laughter. Naturally we were pretending to pay no attention whilst avidly gripped by the ensuing drama.

The guard was called over and seemed a bit distraught and unable to deal with the whole situation. The woman explained to the guard that the man had been "touching himself"

The man( who had quite an "educated" (posh) voice) vehemently denied these accusations, suggesting that the police should be called if she wished to make a complaint.

The guard was perplexed by all this and practically begged the man just to find another seat. He refused to budge though so ultimately the woman was sent off to find someone less pervy to sit next to. Man this was such a funny moment.....

It did show a quick way to get a couple of seats on a crowded train though. Simply sit down next to a nervous woman and start touching yourself up! Brilliant!

Eventually we arrived at newcastle and got off the train along with the "posh fiddler." (Flushie apparently wanted to start a club of posh fiddlers - don't want to know...)

Off we headed to check into the hotel then out for a night of drinking and poker. More to follow......

24

2006-07-03T20:43:00.000-07:00

This is such a class show. I got into this late which was great as i was able to watch the various series virtually back to back. I now love it but simply can't wait till series 6 comes out. DAMMIT!

I wrote this as a possible script for the opening episode. I'll be sending it to Fox so hopefully it will air. Sorry if this spoils things for you.

7 am

Jack rolls out of bed fully dressed. He walks into the bathroom, runs the tap and splashes some water on his face. He rubs his stomach, looks puzzled and walks back into the bedroom.

He grabs his mobile phone by the side of the phone, flips it open and calls a number.

"Curtis. It's jack."

"Hey Jack. I told you not to call me after the last series. You know why"

"Yeah sure curtis. I know the main characters only have a lifespan of 2-3 series."

"That's right, ok Tony made it half way through the fifth series but he got lucky. I'm happy selling pineapples to supermarkets now so this call is over. Bye Jack"

"Wait curtis. Listen to me carefully. I appreciate this is difficult for you but i really need your help. I have this grumbling kind of noise coming from my stomach and if I don't find out what it is, hundreds of americans could die!"

"What??? How could that happen Jack"

"well its kind of annoying so If I don't get it sorted I'll probably go on a rampage"

"Ok OK calm down Jack. This is just a guess but it's possible what you're experiencing is hunger"

"what's that?"

"It's how you feel when you don't eat for a while"

"eat?"

"yes eat, it's when you put food in your mouth, chew and swallow"

"food, chew, swallow? Curtis, i think your line is being scrambled by hostiles , I can't understand what you are saying"

"I get it, of course. You've been too busy in all the previous series to eat any food. You must be starving Jack."

"Ok this food what is it and where can i secure it"

"look jack I told you I dont want to get invovled and besides there's a large stack of unstable pineapple crates next to me that needs my attention."

"CURTIS I NEED A DESCRIPTION AND LOCATION OF THIS FOOD AND I NEED IT NOW, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME"

"Ok , well try a bacon sandwich that always hits the spot for me. Now look jack I'm really going before something bad happ......"(sounds of hundreds of pineapples falling over are heard accompanied by a muffled scream)....line goes dead.

"Curtis..... CURTIS"

Jack flips back his phone, and looks down regretfully.

He dials another number.

Time 7:14:23 beep beep beep.

Time 7:18:46 beep beep beep.

Phone rings at CTU. BEEP BEEEP DEE DOOO.

"This is Chloe O'Brian. What do you want, can't you see I'm busy? I'm behind schedule already, I haven't pulled one stupid face, talked condescendingly, or even made any hideously inappropriate comments to any of my co workers today "

"Hi Chloe this is jack. Look I know you're busy but I really need your help. I've just got off the phone from curtis. SOmething is wrong, very wrong. Apparently I'm hungry. It's got something to do with a substance called food. Curtis was filling me in but I think they got to him."

"Who got to him? What are you talking about. Jack are you back on the smack again?"

"We don't have time for this chloe, thousands of innocent american citizens' lives who live near me are at stake. Before curtis bought it he told me about something called a "BACON SANDWICH". It's the only lead we have......"

"Well if there's only one lead to a crucial part of the plot, you'd better beleive it will be the key to the problem! Ok jack what do you want me to do?"

"Cross reference bacon sandwich with the wetlist and DOD database, reposition the GTS satellite on all known previous locations for bacon sandwiches, and prepare a tac team ready to storm suspected hideaways for bacon sandwiches"

"How about I just tell you how to make one?"

"yeah that works too. I'm gonna need a schematic though....hang on chloe, the doorbell just rang....I'll be right back"

Cut to jack answering door.

Mailman :" Hi, are you jack bauer?"

"How do you know my name? HOW DO U KNOW MY NAME GODDAMIT"

"It's on this parcel for you?"

"We don't have time for this. What do you want?"

"Well if you just sign here, I can give you this parcel."

Jack draws his weapon and levels it at the mailman's head.
"I don't want to shoot you but I will. Now hand over the parcel"

"sure just sign here"

"Look, I can cut a deal with you. Presidential immunity, a new identity, a secure environment. Is that what you want?"

"Er, well, I'm happy if you just sign?? "

"WE don't have time for this. " Jack shoots the mailman in the head and takes the parcel.

"Lamest terrorist disguise ever"

Jack flips his phone back open. "Chloe, I need that schematic NOW. People are dying already"

Chloe :" But Jack, the internet's been overrun by english football fans complaining about ronaldo cheating them in the world cup, I can't get onto any websites. "

"DAMMIT. Ok who is this ronaldo and where can i find him?"

"Somewhere in germany jack, he's left an electronic trail of credit card purchases"

"What's he been buying"

"Hair grease mainly"

"DAMMIT, this is getting complicated. Chloe you know what. Sod this, I'm just gonna order a pizza. DAMMIT I don't have their number"

7:59:57 BEEP BEEP BEEP.

Customer service response

2006-07-03T20:40:00.000-07:00

A fellow poker player, Zimbra posted a chat he had with a CS agent on a poker site. He was a bit frustrated with the guy's response. I added the italics of what i thought might be going through the agent's head. Pretty accurate i think.

ZIM maybe it would help if you heard the internal thought processes of the CS guy?

craig b: Hello Zimbra, my name is craig b, How may i help you?
Jeez, what's a guy gotta do to eat his damn cream cheese bagel in peace. Let's see ...paste generic greeting....fill in Zimbra...we're off....hope this is quick. I'm damn hungry. what kind of name is zimbra anyways...
Zimbra: Hello, I am trying to register for today's $20k qualifier
Zimbra: at 2.30pm
Zimbra: However, it won't let me. I played 50 raked hands last night between 10pm and midnight
Zimbra: well within the 24 hour deadline
Zimbra: and it says I have played 0 raked hand

Hmmmm wonder if that shop down the round still does those cream donuts. I could definitely go for one of those right about.....oh s**t he's stopped typing. Better say something i guess. Hmmm....[thumbs through book of useless excuses]....ahh yes this should do it.

craig b: maybeit's full
craig b: ok

please buy it, please buy it. He's buying it he's buying, hell yeah he's ......

Zimbra: No, it's not full.

Ok he's not buying it. Smart cookie eh. [calls over to colleague] Hey Jenny, we've got a live one. Seems like he's not playing ball. If he ain't playing ball, then I'm sure as hell gonna bust his...

craig b: one second

I'm having a damn bite on my bagel, you can wait pal

Zimbra: thanks.

craig b: no you have 50 raked hands within the time period

Ok that should confuse him

Zimbra: Then why won't it let me register?

F***ed if i know. Do i look like some whizkid IT nerd. I'm only working here cos when I turned up for the interview having been sent here to qualify for Jobseeker's allowance, they somehow gave me the job. I guess walking into an interview dressed in full combat gear, yelling "you heard what i said sergeant, send in the apache chopper NOW" into a walkie talkie isn't enough to disqualify you these days.

Zimbra: It specifically says I have 0 raked hands when I click on the register button
Zimbra: And the same on the 50 Up tournament
Zimbra: I have sent an email about this to enquiries@sportingodds.com
Zimbra: Just now

Oh back with the problem. Geez getting a bit desperate. Better have another slug of the old bagel while i think.

craig b: one moment please

FFS cream cheese all over the keyboard. Jenny's looking over giving me a dodgy look. How embarrassing. Had to be the exact same time i opened that attachment my friend Dirty Dave sent through didn't it?

Zimbra: ok

---

craig b: just checking for you
Zimbra: thanks...
Ok, mopped most of it up. Goddamnit, i gotta get rid of this guy soon. He sure is a stayer!
---

craig b: it seems that you are unable register for the tourney
craig b: so you can kiss my but!

oops did i think that or type it???

Zimbra: Yes, I see that... but why?

craig b: try for the one that starts at 4.30pm gmt
craig b: i do not know why

you gettin this yet Zim. I know s**t, you know s**t we could dance this little samba for a while or just hang up our shoes right now what do you say?

Zimbra: The tournament is about to start, by the way
Zimbra: I want to play the 2.30pm one
Zimbra: That's the reason I specifically played those raked hands
Zimbra: I can't register for the 50 Up tourney either
Zimbra: so what makes you think the 5.30pm tourney will be any different?

oh mannnn......ok basically I've run out of lame excuses so here goes the oldest trick in the book. When in doubt, DELEGATE! Let the dudes checking the mail deal with this guy cos I got bagels to eat.

craig b: To enable us to investigate this matter we will require an email from you, this will allow us to track your query to completion.
Zimbra: I have sent you an email about this

WHAT? He's already done this! Why's he hassling poor me then?? Anyway I'll throw him one of the addresses. Hopefully he'll have mailed the other one so i can tell him no that's the wrong one and he can get OFF my case.

craig b: support@pokerresponse.com ?
Zimbra: to enquiries@sportingodds.com, just before I contacted live chat HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES!
Zimbra: okay, I have sent it to that email address as well now
craig b: cheers
craig b: Thank you for your query; if we can be of further assistance please don’t hesitate in contacting us.

copy paste generic adios message. Insert bagel in mouth, taste the creamy cheese....and relax. Hey I wonder if jenny fancies coming out for a drink with me? I'll ask her soon as I finish watching this clip from dirty dave. Hey, ive never seen a traffic cone used like THAT before!

Challenge to the cat

2006-07-03T20:12:00.000-07:00

Ok, if anyone still reads this damn thing despite the rarity of my posts for which i wish i could apologise but dammit im jsut not going to, they will have seen that the cat has been challenged.

The challenger is a one mr richard trigg aka the claimer aka action man. The challenge is to see who can produce the best 16 results in the 5k 36$ FO that i have alluded to previosuly on my blogg.

Never one to spurn an opportunity, i have accepted this challenge despite the highly acclaimed mr claimer's poker credentials.

The loser has massive bragging rights and will have to wear the avatar of the winner for the following month. (Can't wait to see you in that banana costume m8!)

Well tonight i played the first event.

I played fairly passively tonight, as I was kind of writing up some stuff at the same time(to follow). I was pretty card cold but managed to double up on 50 100 with AK v AT to get to 4k in chips.
I navigated my way into the money with about 7 or 8k and despite a few bad beats i got to the final table on life support or 8 BBs or so. I outlasted a few kippers but eventually lost my stack moving in with AT only to be bravely called by an AJ which held up. Still 7th place is ok for starters.

So tournament 1 39.60$ entry.....195.48$ for 7th. So 154.88$ profit. A reasonable start but i hope for better soon.

Let battle commence!

5k Guarenteed

2006-06-10T20:52:00.000-07:00

OK I really like the 36 freezeout on tribeca at 1am. The 15 minute blinds really give the better players a good edge and despite usually being a 200+ field i have a record of finishing in the money spots of 60%. It's very easy to find excellent spots with this long a structure and the mentality of the tribeca rebuy monkeys makes this such a good tournament. (Example hand to follow.)

I've been on a good run in this recently. 6 out of the last 8 tournaments I've made the money with 5 final table spots. Despite this i am slightly downbeat. WHY???

Well out of all these spots I have only finished as high as 3rd. (4th, 4th 12th 3rd 5th 3rd) I have defintiely been unlucky at times. WIth a better run of cards I would have won one of these but a good player shouldn't be relying only on cards. 2 times where i came 4th i lost a pot for the chip lead with a set which i think is pretty unlucky. One time I lost another big pot to put me clear in 2nd with 3 left TPTK to set with realtively shallow stacks so i was never getting away. Again unlucky.

Well I'm not one to bitch about bad luck. That's the way, the life and the path of the poker player. Suck it up cat, things happen like this. I do wonder sometimes whether i have what it takes though? Should i have more chips at these stages to absorb the bad play??

I'm not sure. I do know that in 2 of the finals i played very good poker, made the tough but correct calls and maintained a good level of aggression. One final i lost a massive pot early on with a big draw (fd and overcards) and managed to slide up some cash places while waiting for a good spot. Two of the finals i went out wiht a set vs a draw. Hopefully it's jsut a matter of time.

I imagine some people would jsut say "shut up you moronic cat, you're showing a healthy profit for all these tournaments" and I would have toconcur with this. ( Well i might take issue at the moronic bit...)

But, many 3-5 places do not equate to winning the comp. All the money is at the top and I can't seem to finish this off. It's annoying because when I get a good stack together shorthanded I nearly always win. I think this is one of my strengths. So far though I have been getting my chips in with a medium stack, always in good shape and just missing out. Hopefully this will change sometime soon.

Anyway time to mock a kipper for a muppet play. I can't really say i played this hand well or badly but it does illustrate how bad some of the players are.

I can't seem to retrieve the hand history but i remember the hand in detail.

Ok, so I'm dealt As Ah in the BB on level one (20 40). I'm already up to 2500 due to a nice bluff with 35c :) Nothing like self promotion eh?

Anyway I'm sat there with my aces, waiting for action from the table of nutters. All fold to the small blind (2600) who completes to 40. I riase to 140. He calls.

(So far so good. Don't want to raise too much here and lose him. Don't want to raise too little or I give him breat implied odds with any two cards. So to the flop.)

(pot 280)
Ac Kh 5s.

(wow deck smacks cat. Stifled miaow sounds are heard from the BB)

Check. Check

( I check here. Although I am obviously opening myself up to being outdrawn, the pot is small enough that I prefer to hide the strength of my hand than protect against any draws. Besides this, it is a very undrawy board so the risk is minimal)

(pot 280)
turn 7h.

Check. I bet 100.

(Ok, gotta start building a pot and a heart flush draw has appeared. Plus you never know he might interpret my weak bet as a cue to make a move. Yeh it would be crazy to make a mvoe with the pot so small but you never know!)

sb check raises to 2460 allin.

(errrrrr wow maybe he's hit 2 pair. Cool. I have no idea what his hand is here to be honest but i would guess it's not brillant as he's trying to kill action. Best hand i could put him on would be bottom 2 pair but draw hand seems the most likely. All this speculation is ireelevant noise however as i have the nuts soooooo I call.)

Cat calls 2260 allin. Cards over.

SB shows the marvellous Q4 offsuit to be drawing dead. Ship the cat that 5k pot. With deep stacks it's ok to make moves but 10x the pot this is hideous overkill. Maybe he read my check on the flop as a big hand such as QQ or JJ that had hit a bad board and thought he could take it down. Don't raise this much ffs though! Give yourself an escape strategy level one in case you are wrong!

Lot's of examples of this muppeptry make the 5k such a good tourney. Let's hope i can close the deal sometimes soon so you don't have to hear any more self indulgent whinges from the cat!

Year to date.......

2006-06-06T03:51:00.001-07:00

Closing in on half way through the year and it's time for the cat to take stock.

First off hows the balance?

Well Im 25,523$ up for the year so far. This is roughly $4.3k/month. Happy? Yes i think so. I was under a little financial pressure to produce some results, so overall i will take this. I would have liked to have been more in the 30-35 region but overall this is ok and I will take it.

How did i get there? First off, how are tournaments going?

Well looking back, since january 06,I've won 11 tournaments, 9 holdem and 2 omaha hi lo. To be honest im disappointed at this, i would've expected to have won more than this. What do i put this down to? Partly down to not taking advantage of good situations. I'm still working on changing gears, upping aggression at the right times.

It's funny, when i'm on my game, I instinctively know when to start getting more aggressive, when to run a big bluff, when to steal the blinds, when to slowplay. I have had this a few times this year and it's usually coincided with some good results. When I'm not feeling so confident though i drift into my shell and begin to get blinded away, missing opportunities and only doing well if the deck begins to smack me.

I'm working on trying to improve this and I think i am slowly getting there so let's see how the rest of the year goes....

Cash games.

Well this year i have been mostly playing.....Pot limit omaha. I really have developed a good feel for this and I'm running at roughly 45$/hr which is pretty good considering i mainly play 50c 1$ or 1/2$. Now my party account is back ive started off playing hi lo limit at 3/6 again which i used to be good at. Seems like playign a lot of PL has dulled my edge a little though as recently I've been logging a sluggish win rate.

The two games are very different, a lot of PLom/8 hands are very playable when in limit you're commiting suicide playing them. It's quite hard to play the two games side by side so i'll be workign on trying to improve my play in both.

Played a little omaha cash and a few tournies. Tournies im still very inexperienced though witha bit more luck idve taken a couple down. Cash sessions have been very profitable but too few to be statistically significant. I expect i will log some more cash omaha hours in the 2nd half of the year though.

Finally a recent develpment. I've been playing some heads up NLHE poker. Flushie plays these all the time and has a good record in them. I figured if that mug can win in them then the cat would be leaving a trail of kippers in his wake!

Well ive played 23 so far at 20$ level, and so far I have won 18 and lost 5, including an 11 run unbeaten streak. It's definitely been going well. I find the players very poor at this level. They nearly always make crucial mistakes and you can grind them down by playing the bigger pots in position until they do. It's good fun, although players often get quite personally abusive in these games. I actually like this as i can give as good as i get.

I played a game the other day which was fiercely contested and lasted through to the 100 200 level which is quite rare. We said nothing throughout and i eventually prevailed when he shortstacked pushed his K2 into my A8. As I won the game he said "FU U FKIN PIECE OF SHIT" LOL.

It's a 20$ game kipper chill out!

There's something about heads up games that gets the blood boiling though. ALL GOOD FUN!

Chat banned + 7k poker dome entry miss....

2006-05-30T11:21:00.000-07:00

I played some 2c 4c HE limt with flushie earlier. I was quite annoyed as i sat with 4k and left with 3997.56 so suffered some outrageous beats as i capped every street with flushie. Some of my language was slightly fruity and i found myself chat banned! Naturally i went to investigate this with a host.

Paula-Host (18:51:49): Hi, welcome to our poker room. How can I help you?
JungleCat03 (18:51:57): hi paula
JungleCat03 (18:52:16): it seems like someone has accidentally chat banend me
JungleCat03 (18:52:24): could i have my chat restored please

(lost some speech i quoted a bit of chat where i complained that fish kept treading on my tail and asked if that was the offending item)
Paula-Host (18:54:43): There are only a couple of notes but there are two cut and pastes:
JungleCat03 (18:54:50): if so sorry
Paula-Host (18:54:57): Junglecat03: MORON
Paula-Host (18:55:12): FU ALL this pot its DA CATS
JungleCat03 (18:55:28): but
JungleCat03 (18:55:31): the 2nd one is ok
JungleCat03 (18:55:52): the 1st one was because i am playing with my friedn royal "moron" flush
JungleCat03 (18:56:16): its all in fun
Paula-Host (18:56:34): I cant see all the details but Im afraid the ban has been applied. If complaints are received it cannot be ignored.
JungleCat03 (18:56:38): occasionally after a 1$ pot goes the wrong way i tilt a bit
call him his middle name
JungleCat03 (18:57:06): ok how long will i be banned for though because i cant insult royal flush while i am banned?
Paula-Host (18:58:22): Thats the point of the ban. Its the language between you two. Thats what people are finding offensive. Its a public forum so we have to take aeveryone into consideration. Its a 24 hr ban. Ping back tomorrow and It'll be lifted.
JungleCat03 (18:58:43): ok then thanks sorry to have disturbed your afternoon gl from DA CAT

Pretty draconian banning system they got going on there. Still I should be back on tomorrow where i will be conducting a full investigation at the 2c 4c limit tables as to who got the cat banned. Kippers watch your backs.

In other perhaps more pertinent news, played in a satellite for the Mansion Poker Dome event to be staged in vegas shortly. This is a 7k live event where the players play in a plastic soundproofed bubble, watched by audience of hundreds who can all see their hole cards and pulse rates.

In the tournament i got a few hands and outplayed some of the kippers till i got heads up with a 135 to 35k deficit. I turned this round till i just edged the lead. Then i got aces. I was raised and put in a decent reraise leaving the other player less than 10k back. They called. Flop was K hi we get it in. They had KQ River K. grrrr.

So im very short again but get back to about 40k. I get aces again...nice. I riase get called. Flop is TJ. checked to I bet pot which is called. Turn is a 9, bit of a scare card. Player bets into me i jsut call. River is a blank. PLayer bets into me again i call. They turn over KQ for the straight!! GRRRR AA cracked twice by KQ!

This leaves me roughly 20k. I get back to 35k again. Then i get JQ suited and raise. Flop comes a juicy JQ 6. the player immediately pushes i immdeiately call. they have A6 and the turn is a 6 to leave me almost dead which I am when the river isnt paint, leaving me 2nd with no prize.

Bit sick really, 7K heads up game in which i get aces cracked twice I wasn't too happy!!! Still that's poker and my disappointment was cushioned slightly due to the fact it cost me nothing to enter the tournament.

AT LAST PARTY F****** SEE THE LIGHT

2006-05-24T05:12:00.000-07:00

I've been wrangling with party over the last few months to get my account restarted.

It all happened about 5 months ago when I won a tournament on party for 2.5k to boost my balance there to 4.5k or so. I owed a friend 500$ and he asked me if i could pay him on party. This is where i made my fatal error. I was unaware they had a transfer system so I jsut plopped 510$ on an unattended cash table with him raised to 500 hand 1 and folded for the 10$ reraise.

A few hours later i received an email from party asking if I could explain my unorthodox play and informing me my account was now locked! It crossed my mind briefly to come up with some facetious reason why I had folded. " I PUT HIM ON ACES"...."HIS RERAISE INTIMIDATED ME"...."AS WITH MOST OF YOUR CUSTOMERS I'M A SUBMORON WITH NO UNDERSTANDING OF POT ODDS."

Seeing as I was dealing with the calcutta-based customer service of Party though, i decided my weak attempts at humour would be misconstrued and probably result in them robbing me permanently, so I just told the truth that i owed my friend some money and paid him on the cash tables. They asked me to send through government-issued ID before they restarted my account. Sadly I don't have a passport or driving licence, in fact I don't have any form of government issued ID. So i provided bank statements, scans of my debit card, other bills, name of my cat, shoe size and picture of my cock(ok i made that one up) along with a plethora of other personal information yet still they refused to open my account. This caused me some consternation and I began to wonder if the useless mofos were ever gonna give me my 4k back.

I began formulating plans to launch a guerilla style attack on party headquarters. The plan was to fly over to america, breach their defences in the middle of the night and kidnap Mr Dikshit before hauling him back to cat HQ and demanding a $1 billion ransom for his return. I was already packing my cat-suit, grappling hooks and tranquilizer gun when i realised I didn't have a passport for the flight over there. DOH! However in my preparations, I did come across my old out of date passport. Wahey!

SO i shipped this over to calcutta along with various other forms and after some chasing up, party finally reopened my account. AT LAST!!!!!

Those kippers on the 3-6 hi lo tables must have been having a ball without the cat there to harass them. Limping 6669, calling all the way with 2nd pair and winning, chasing the fourth nut low draw.....WELL ENOUGH. THE CAT IS BACK!

I literally launched myself onto the 3-6 table immediately and found that all was well. It was still highly populated by utter kippers. To be fair to use the term Kipper is slightly unfair as
there are distinct forms of kipper. These are the ones i have observed there....

INDIGNANT KIPPER. These are often poor players who have no idea why they continue to lose. Sometimes they have a rough idea of the game but usually cannot understand why their top and bottom pair fails to hold up on a 356 board. They will call you all sorts of names as you cap flop and turn and your freeroll comes in. They provide moderate entertainment and tilt very easily.

"JESUS, WILL I GET A F****** BREAK. TOP F****** SET AND YOU CAP IT WITH A F******* DRAW. YOU SUCK YOU FRIGIN RETARD SUK SUK. FUK YO MAMA. YOURE SO LUCKY, I'D KICK YOUR ASS IF YOU WERE HERE NOW U FING MORON. F U"

"Sorry didn't mean to raise, I misclicked"

"****** ******** ******* ****** YOU!"

SERMONIZING KIPPER. These kippers are often 50+ and know that A2 is a good hand. They often play quite solidly, but insist on telling everyone what they are doing wrong. Any good player shuts his mouth about this as he doesnt want to educate the mugs but these kippers live to lecture. Very easy to bluff, raising with a draw to get a free card works well. Voted most likley to have his blind raised by the cat. Incidentally after raising them on a bluff at any point, if they fold, always be sure to tell them you had whatever nut hand was out at the time. They will nod sagely as they turn away whilst you laugh maniacally and piss all their money away on cheap vodka and kebabs.

"BAH i guess i fold this time, you've got to have the str8"

"That's correct. I had the nut str8, nut set, nut flush draw and nut lo, good fold"

AVERAGE KIPPER

Doesn't say much, jsut sits there calling off all their money with crap hands, calling down 2 pair. never raises. You can't bluff these folk, so don't even try. Just value bet. Even when you have KK on a KQJT board you can value bet the moron and he WILL call with worse.

SUPER-MORON KIPPER

Flushie coined this term. Super-morons have no clue how to play. Literally. Sometimes they aren't supermorons but jsut beginners but to all intents and purposes play the same. I came across a supermoron in this hand yesterday.

I have A954 and complete from the small blind, 4 handed. Flop comes AQ9. I didn't bet here which is unusual for me with no low possible and it was checked round. The turn was an A givng me a house. I bet out to catch an ace. All fold bar supermoron. River is an A to give me quads. I bet out immediately hoping he ahs a pocket pair to make a call. He calls and mucks. I check the hand history. He called me with Q456 LOL. Dopey fuker basically had Q6 hi with trip aces on the board and calls a bet. SUPER-MORON. Wish i'd been bluffing with K hi lol.

SHARK KIPPERS

Not many of these about but there is the odd good player. After a while you recognise these guys pretty quickly. Tend to be a bit more aggressive and play fewer hands. Make moves like check raises on the turn and river. Cap 3 or more ways on the flop with nut flush draws. Stuff like this brings them to my attention. Still capable of falling into the INDIGNANT kipper trap given a few shoves in the right direction though lol.

Cat back to winning ways

2006-05-08T21:53:00.000-07:00

For a bit of variety, I've recently been back playing some 7 card stud.

I used to play this a lot at party (mainly hi lo) about 2 years ago and they've just introduced it to tribeca. The standard of play at new games to the site is always shocking and so I've refamiliarised myself with the game profitably and have been logging a 35$/ hr win rate at 1$ 2$ level. I forgot how much i enjoy playing this game. It really taxes you and although sessions can be long and frustrating, so far I'm lovin' being back on the 7 card stud path!

I also dipped my toes back in the omaha waters today. I play a lot of omaha hi lo but havent played omaha for a while. I always did ok at it but the variance can be heartbreaking at times and more than once the cat could be found hissing and spitting at the screen as a 400$ pot went down the tubes as some kipper hit his gutshot on the river....

Nevertheless at the suggestion of royal flush, i sat down and played a few sessions and managed to win and avoid any frothy rages at the couple of outdraws.

I forgot how bad the players are! I played two two hours at 1/2 level and built my stack from 200 to 500 both times for a ncie profit. One of the key hands was this one. I limp A966 with A6c in late position. A short stack in the BB made it 8$ to go. Three people called and i called the 6$ raise. The flop came K T 5 with 2 clubs. The short stack bet the pot for 33$, leaving himself 3$ back. A big stack called behind him and i also called.

The turn was a 6 to give me a set. The short stack bet 3$ and the big stack just called this. I immediately knew my set was good and i reraised pot to fold out straight draws as the pot was big enough now. The big stack called! The river was a sweet 7c to give me the nuts. BIg stack checks and i bet 50$ but he folded. I guess he had some sort of wrap draw which was a very poor call on the turn as i didnt have enough back for implied odds.

Anyway i took the pot down. (short stack just had top pair) Some other good hands and the odd bluff won me some more and I left a happy cat.

Later on in the day i played a 20$ freezeout. Had a bit of luck as you must do when the blinds are 8 mins, but was allin only 4 times in the comp. Once I had KK on a J hi board v JT which held, one time i was getting short on the final table and moved with A7, running into cobster( a fellow overthegunner)'s AK. I hit a 7. This was actually a pretty key hand i felt as he was the only player on the table who i knew to be a good player. Winning this key pot was the most important hand in winning the tourney. The other allin came earlier on in the comp when i had 7k on 300 600. This sounds like a short stack but in fact i was 4th at the time! ( fast blidns suck) I had AK and one player limped. I was happy to consolidate my position by picking up the pot preflop so i pushed. He called quickly so i expected a coin flip but instead he showed A9s lol. Anyway i won this coup and this propelled me up the leaderboard.

The final table i had the luck when i needed it, got a stack together, made a couple of good passes and a couple of good steals and one resteal agaisnt the 2nd chip leader when i had 66. Finally I got to heads up. We were roughly even when I get AQc on 4k 8k blinds. I make it 18k to go and he pushed for 40k more. I called and he showed 7s. Flop came 5 A A (YES) 7 (FOR FUCKS SAKE) 5 (MIAOOOOWWWWWWW) Most of the chips in play were in this pot so this bit of luck won the tourney finally for me and a nice 541$ went into the cats account.

Can't complain, hitting some form at the moment for win no 5 this month. Let's hope i can keep it up.....

No kipper mocking recently. I cam conscious i have deprived you of this but never fear, the latest unbridled mocking of a kipper is not far away. Brace yourself is all i can say!

Slow slow cat is back

2006-05-07T06:45:00.000-07:00

Seems like i start the majority of my posts with apolgies for no previous updates for a while.

Well this time I'm back for good!

I'm firmly encamped in Brighton now (if that isn't a misleading term), playing poker regularly, drinking etc all the usual debauchery you would expect of the cat.

Poker news is mixed. I had a poor run of form for a few weeks, cards were running bad for me, although i still managed to turn a small profit. It struck me that this had affected my game a little so I dropped down to small and microlimits to get back on the winning team again.

Worked a treat! Last 10 days I've won three small tournaments, a 12$ freezeout for 350$, a 3$ rebuy for 541$ and a 10$ limit for 250$. I've also had quite a few final tables, and overall this last week im 2k$ up. I'm pleased with this. My game has been reinvigorated and I'm back playing decent poker so watch your backs cos the cat is out to get you.

A few other things.

No 1 Via blonde I've just discovered this great site where you can post subtitles over the top of bollywood movie clips. It's a really good idea. Here's my first effort.

http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/v2/play.php?id=834

No 2 I recently attended the wedding of Laura and Ian. Many congratulations to the two of them, the day was a great success and they've got many happy years of marriage ahead of them.

Seeya soon kippers.

Brighton here i come

2006-02-24T06:18:00.000-08:00

I'm all set to move to brighton, should go through this weekend woohooo( at last!)

I tooka week off poker to attend to various family problems. Came back and have since cashed in 4/6 tournaments ive played, including a 2nd and 1st back to back in the 5k grtd 36$ freezeouts on Blue square. Coolies.

I posted an account of my tournaments on overthegun.com in the blog section. All my results are also posted here if anyone is interested. Only 8th in the overall list of players though, the standard is very high there!

Here's the link......

http://www.overthegunblogs.com/Panther2003/

the main site with results is www.overthegun.com

Now I look like im going to be settled down, blog updates should be more regular and interesting, so watch out for more tales of the cat coming soon!

Sugar sugar sugar james

2006-01-31T06:58:00.000-08:00

The guy rocks. His blog is the most acerbic and funny one on the net.

The cat does not lie down for anyone but while he keeps posting gems like this below, I will keep singing his praises and generally acting like a servile f*** in front of him.

How fucking sweet is it when people who are not you fuck up? It automatically takes my self esteem up a notch to seem someone else fucking up. That guy missed the game winning shot? I didnt miss the game winning shot, I must therefore be better than him. I call it the transitive property of society. If A equals some dude, B equals you, and C equals your overall rank in the homo sapien heirarchy, it would read as follows: A > B, C -> C -1, or in english - You are better than someone, therefore you are ranked higher than you were before dude fucked up. The more people fuck up while you sit back and watch em, the better a life you're leading. Thats why Im sitting in the bleachers laughing at your shits and adjusting the tally marks in my abucus, you worthless bastards

http://sugarjames.livejournal.com/ -see the rest of his superb blog here

The Silent Feline returns

2006-01-30T16:34:00.000-08:00

Apologies for lack of updates. I've been trying to sort out my living arrangements and this has distracted me for a bit. Anyway pending the return of presumably glowing references for the cat that my estate agents have requested, I will be moving to the beautiful locale of the brighton marina shortly.

This is within spitting distance of the rendezvous casino, not to mention several pubs, so i expect to resume my debauched lifestyle of gambling and drinking shortly upon arrival.

Other News?

Well I haven't performed too well in the last 2 weeks and have barely broken even. I put this down to bad luck(obviously), being a little unsettled due to moving between ealing, brighton and the mean streets of Upper Warlingham, the london suburb equivalent of west compton. At least, that is the picture Royal Flush will paint of it should you ask. In actuality, it is a peaceful, leafy suburban district where the pimps, gangstas and hoes are replaced by squirrels, foxes and the odd deer.

Nonetheless in this time i managed to take down another omaha hi lo PL tournament, making 3 in the last month. Ive only started playing these recently so it is cool that i'm having some success. I find cash games very easy, but tournaments are always a different kettle of fish and i'm learning bit by bit. Many of the stalwart principles of NLHE tourney play, such as tight aggression, changing gears and bubble punishment all apply so I'll get there in the end.

Also, I note Hectorjelly has decided to stop posting on 1808. Although i rarely read the forum there these days, this is sad news. He is easily one of their top players and his analysis is very good. He doesn't tolerate fools gladly which rubs some of the kippers up the wrong way, but I'd rather have a rude excellent poster on my site, than a bunch of polite morons.

I jsut hope he stops chasing those polish women and pulls his finger out and updates his blog as it was always very readable.

As for me, I've posting on blonde poker recently. It's a good forum, graced by its eponymous meister Dave "El Blondie" Colclough and some other interesting and funny posters.

I've been asked to mock kippers by many folk. There's no need to ask twice, this is the cat's vocation and if it's kipper mocking you want, Kipper mocking you shall receive!

There's a poster on the site who, though he seems a nice enough guy, is highly confused with certain aspects of poker. I won't name and shame him but let his name be a mystery.

Here are some priceless snippets from the mysteryman's poker book of theory.

" if i get a k utg depending on how things are im probably out of 10 times, gonna limp twice raise maybe 2 or 3 times fold the rest"

Fold AK UTG 50% of the time. hmmmmm.

Dunno where to start. Clearly ridiculous, AK is rated as one of the strongest hands in holdem, mainly due to the fact that it is only dominated by two hands. Passing up equity here is the equivalent of carefully gathering a knife, a gun, a stapler and a pen and paper and proceeding to fire the gun at your feet, saw your nose off with the knife and staple the bloody mess to a piece of paper on which you write "screw you face, never liked you much anyway."

Another point brought up was in a live sitation where several people had deepish stacks. UTG limps, UTG+2 calls the 1600 BB with 44, its folded round ot the BB who riases to 4800 and UTG calls the raise. Does 44 call the 3200 raise off his 40k stack?

HELL yeah! Especially as he beleives the BB has a big hand AK KK or AA. The debate centred around whether this was a correct fold, with the majority of respected posters all saying its an easy call for implied odds.

Mystery disagreed of course. I have highlighted the most fishy of his comments below.

"i think the laydown preflop with 4 4 is correct, if he has u on a big pair, hes not really gonna know where he stands with a flop of something like 4 q k, if he has u on a big pair u could easily of just made trips on the flop. the correct preflop fold imo, calling a raise preflop when u know ur a huge underdog is just bad poker no matter wot odds ur getting"

Has he ever seen a good player? Dan negreanu, Doyle brunson, Phil Ivey, sod it most of the top professionals have built careers out of being able to play weak hands well yet mysteryman(who ,as he ceaselessly reminds everyone, finished 14th in the ladbrokes league last year - yes 14th!) feels qualified to cast judgement on these guys as playing "bad poker." Laughable really.

The "no matter wot odds ur getting" is funny too. More kippery than 15 cans of kipper concentrate crushed into a matchbox and calling a reraise with 72 o/s.

Other gems from mystery included the idea that he would fold the nuts, if he got too much action(god forbid you get action with the nuts) and "outplay" people later, and the idea that people who "know how to play poker" would fold AA preflop to too much action 1st hand of the WSOP.

I posted a quote from Paul Phillips refuting this and showing how folding AA to a table of allins is roughly equivalent to folding KK to A rag three times. He has yet to reply.....

I went into this in some depth so I'll post the link here rather than repeat my exasperated response to his rubbish. It's cool to have different opinions on poker but when you are talking nonsense front up and admit it.... you'll improve as a player!

http://blondepoker.com/forum/index.php?topic=6510.15 - This is folding AA preflop to a table of allins.

http://blondepoker.com/forum/index.php?topic=6461.0 is where folding the nuts on the flop is talked about.

Experiments on animals

2006-01-06T16:58:00.000-08:00

This isn't some post with a vivisection-fuelled agenda. I beleive experiments on animals to be cruel and unneccesary other than when its on dogs or when they test shampoo on monkeys(it's a service, u seen how long they spend picking bits of crap out of their hair??)

No, this is about posting all my hands in a tournamnet as an experiment. I may miss some out and stick to the key ones but should be good.

Tourney starting, let's see how it goes.

Paradise bankroll up and running

2006-01-02T06:11:00.000-08:00

Those of you who read my blog regularly, god rest your merry kippery souls, may recall how i got my paradise bankroll up to 220$ about a month ago. Well since then i ahve played very little but lost about 40$ playing a 10$ rebuy the other day in which my KK got done by 74 for giant pot. Fair play. Anyway it had gone doen to 160 when Flush Royal suggested i play the 50$ freezeout on there.

With good bankroll management at the foremost of my thoughts, I duly registered 1/3 of my existing balance into this long shot adventure, cutting a 80 20 deal with the NORSE HORSE (flush) to mitigate the variance slightly.

The tournament started ok, i got up to 2700 early on when i raised AA to about 240 after some limpers - one caller. Flop came A9c 3. guy bet 20 on the flop. I decide this is not acceptable and raise him. He calls. Turn is a 6 non club. He bets 20 again and i again raise, this time heftily. He called. RIver was 7 non club. Again he bet 20, i stick in my last 400 as i feel he is either flush draw or pot committed with a good pair, but he folded.

After this i went a bit quiet in the middle stages and was blinded down to 2200 or so. A small accident somewhere along the line, left me with 1600 chips. Dealt T7 off in the sb at 100 200, i am thinking of folding until the whole table limps so i think feck it y not and complete.

Flop is rather juicy TT7. I check UTG bets 600 into the 1.2k pot and another player moves allin -happy days for the cat. I pause to make it look like i have a tough decision and maybe get UTG in there wiht his 89 or something, and eventually scooch my chips into the middle, but he wisely passes. IM up against TJ and he misses his J out and i am up to 5k or so in chips.

A few ups and downs before i get AA and QQ paid off on the last 3 tables and reach the final table as chip leader. Stacks were qutie short here. I had about 60k, blinds were 800 1.6k with antes and average was roughly 22k.

One guy on the table, the 2nd CL, COOLMAN2k was very aggressive and soon swiped my chip lead by raising a ridiculous amount of pots. I was pretty impressed with the effect of his raw aggression. THere were a lot of chips to be swept up and people were playign quite tightly. I think he mesmerised me a bit because i missed a couple of resteal opportunities, although he showed he was not in the mood for laying down to reraises by taking on a few people after raising with T6h and such.

Ultimately i got a couple of big hands, particularly flat calling KK when he raised then letting him push the K hi flop was a good coup, propelling me back to big chippie, although every time i got the lead he would snatch it back before too long. There was clearly only going to be 2 people left once the smoke had cleared and that is how it transpired.

SO headsup with Coolman. he took the first few hands with big raises while i held rags. Then i get K6s in the BB, with a mere 90K left at 4k 8k and running 200( ithink?) ante.

To some, this hand may look weak. Facing once of his raises it was a monster tho so when he make it 25k i pushed. He insta called with Q7 and i dodged the outs and took it down.

Play switched back and forth. if ever i limped he made it 20-30k so i decided to limp QQ when it came my way. He made it 25k, i checkraised allin feeling he would call for pot odds and he did with A5. my QQ held and now i held a decnt 2-1 lead.

After i took a few pots off him with bluffs, and he reraised me once and i laid down, i got JJ. I made it 25k to go, my now standard raise and he pushed allin with A2. My JJ held and i took the mofo down, although i have to say i was very impressed by Coolman's play. Still, 2.5k added to the paradise bankroll so not bad from the mere 30$ that was in there a few months ago.

More importantly tho, i am pleased to have registered a decent holdem win and felt that with the help of some cards i played well in this tourney, and maybe am getting a bit of form back. Earlier i also finished 3rd in another 50$ FO fo 390$ so overall a v good night.

A more informative/ results oriented blog entry here than the entertaining kipper bashing narrative you all yearn for, but do not fear for the tides of the new year will bring plenty of kippers washing up on the cat's shores, do not fear.

To one and all, A HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Merry chrissymas

2005-12-27T00:55:00.000-08:00

Yes merry christmas yohoho and a bottle of rum. Or soemthing. Hope you all had a good one and rejoiced as you were handed your generic socks and tasteless underwear.

Personally i have eaten a LOT of turkey. I've had to cook a duck, and 2 turkey roasts in the last 5 days so i'm fed up cooking. I like taking over this duty though because basically every1 else sucks at cooking whereas I rule at it. I don't feel this detracts from my masculinity at all. It is basic survival and if i want to roast some parsnips then f ** you i will.

Anyway enough of this nonsense, back to the poker.

I have followed up my good form of late with some excellent cash sessions on party 3-6 limit omaha/8. The american kippers have been excessively generous of late, no doubt boozed up on cheap wine, and I have been happy to take advantage of their magnaminous displays on the tables.

I have taken down a few small HE tourneys recently and have just finished a 365 player 30$ omaha/8 PL freezeout on party. I was pretty lo several times during this but managed to win a few allins getting into the last 50 and eventually built my stack up. By the time I reached the final table I was on about 60k. I won the first few hands and got up to 110K with 2nd on about 60k. At this point i moved into aggressive mode as blinds were 2k4k and all the fish were pretty shortstacked and trying to climb the ladder for $s.

I built up steadily , never fell below 130k and eventually won the heads up in a few hands to net a nice 2.7k win which is my biggest in a while. Sadly the norse horse, aka Royal Flush,had a 80 20 deal with me so i paid his good for nothing ass 540$.

Nevertheless even after the deadwood horse had been paid off, I reflected on a nice result and a good way to start the new year. Yeah well the old year isn't over yet. SHUT UP! look it's 9.07 am and ive been up since 11 am yesterday so cut me some slack.

ANyway best wishes to all you and ill be back soon.

Cat storms to victory

2005-12-16T20:57:00.000-08:00

Well, ive alluded to the fact that my NL HE play has been quite shabby recently. THis is funny because its the game ive had the most success in overall and i rarely lose confidence in my game.
However recently i ahve been a kipper and have taken down very few results.

So, amazingly, today i managed to get a couple of results.

Firstly, i played a 40 handed 24 fo this morning. I got to the final table after some good cards. Eventually i get heads up with the same amount of chips as the kipper. Unfortunately i put in a very good impression of a herring in the heads up and managed to lose.

I used to regard heads up at the end of mtts as one of my strengths. I had roughly 3 times as many 1sts as 2nds to testify to this. In this game though, although i was a little card cold and the blinds were a bit big to allow too much play, i still played poorly and deservedly crashed out 2nd. Still a nice 220$ result to further boost my VC balance and restore a little confidence.

Later on i played the 36 FO, 4k grtd, but was out when i moved in on a J92 board with 88 and someone foudn the courage to call with 9T off the &*&*&*^*^ KIPPER. SO out in about 50th there.

After this weak effort, i deigned to play the 24 FO. 146 runners, i saw little early on and managed to reduce my stack to 1400 through some continatuion bets that went wrong.

I slowly rebuilt though and on the bubble refused to be dominated by the larger stacks and called and mvoed allin several times in +EV situations, winning enough of them to keep me afloat. There was one kipper who was stalling on hand for ahnd for ages. I went to his table and explained how hand for hand operated and why his fishy attempts to squeeze into the money were futile. His response to my generous and lucid(if self serving) explanation.... "SetofKIngs has 10 seconds to respond.." dont these fish know they are killing my hourly rate!

ANyway i managed to get a decent stack together, and reached the final table with about 30k or so. I doubled up eventually QQ v A9 , and one by one the other kippers fell till it was me on 70k or so, another guy on 160k and one more on 30k. I thought the CL was a bit of a kipper, as he had made several questionable calls which were lucky to be coinflips and he ahd won them.

We played a few hands then this hand happened.

The table bully raised to 16k on 2 4k, and i reraised from the BB with KK to 40k. I felt like he would call this. flop came K4d 5. I checked, he moved in for my last 40k and i called to find him with 3 3. He failed to hit his runner runner and now i was a commanding leader. I managed to double up the ss and the former chipleader doubled him through again, leaving himself with 28k. I find QTs in the sb now at 3k6k and i move in on him and he calls A7h. I hit 2 pair and now we were heads up.

I was determined to make this count after my earlier capitulation. We were roughly even in chips and we swapped a few pots so i ahd a small lead. Then this hand.

I have KK in the BB, he limps in , i make it 16k, he CR allin. I call in a shot to find him with J4 flop comes AAx leaving him very few outs and i go on to win. HOORAY.

Congratulations to 'Panther2003', who won $1,095 in '$2500 Guar't'd - 12 min rounds' tournament.

The cat is back in business, and the VC bankroll now stands at 2.4k$ so im pretty pleased with how that's gone. Thanks to anyone who supported me and I'll speak to you soon.

Limit Omaha/8 - the dominant game

2005-12-13T11:16:00.000-08:00

Limit has surpassed NLHE in my poker book as my biggest earner. It's a great game. I really like the way the equity constantly changes through all the streets, so every street you face a new decision and are constantly forced to reassess strategy.

In NLHE generally, it often transpires that you are put to one key decision on one particular street. This will often be of the variety, does he or doesn't he have it. Of course sometimes the decision is purely a mathematical one, based on pot odds and likely ranges but more often you are asking yourself questions such as, "is this a bluff or will he fold if i push here."

In contrast in om/8, especially limit, the maths is dynamic, and many unusual situations are thrown up, such as hands where the nuts, particularly straights, are dogs to drawing hands. This is an adjustment many converts from holdem find hard to make.

For example, let's say u are dealt a nice hand like Ac 2c Ks Kd. You make a raise and are called by 789T double suited, a hand a lot of former holdem players like, due to the presence of suited connectors.

the flop comes down 569 with two clubs and a heart. Now 789T has hti the nuts with a backdoor redraw to a heart flush and some backdoor fh draws. Great flop! Well, despite the fact that he has nuts with a redraw, vs a drawing hand, he is actually behind on the flop!

http://twodimes.net/h/?z=1401926
pokenum  -o8 7d 8h 9d th  - ac 2c kd ks  -- 6s 5c 9c
Omaha Hi/Low 8-or-better: 820 enumerated boards containing 6s 9c 5c
cards          scoop  HIwin  HIlos  HItie  LOwin  LOlos  LOtie     EV
9d 7d  Th  8h    224    497    323      0    141    328      0  0.458
Ks Ac  2c  Kd    293    323    497      0    469      0      0  0.542

So while 789T will cap the flop, he is losing a portion of every $ he puts in here. The other aspect of this is that if he makes the unwise decision to cap the flop, then he will be committed to further bets on later streets when he may be drawing dead or very thin.

This situation shows the importance of hand selection and care with certain hands. Most players are far too blase with this sort of thing which makes the game very profitable, if u are prepared to think about your hands and situations.

The VC challenge continues....

2005-12-03T03:42:00.000-08:00

Well, I've not been putting much time into the VC challenge recently, however I have built my balance there up to 750$ now. Part of this was a cheat as i entered one of the VC bonus promotional codes in (vcradio1 i think) which gave me 50$ once i had earned 2500 action points.
This was easily done in an hour at the PLomaha tables, in which time i made about 100$ too so all good news!

Clearly the 1k is in sight now and this gave me the idea to scour round some of my other accounts where i have a residual small balance. Paradise immediately sprung to mind. I haven't played there for a while. It was profitable for me, but for some reason i grew not to like the site; whether it's the fireworks as you win a pot, the way players vanish in a magic cloud when they are knocked out of tournaments, the tiresome choice of whether to have donuts or champagne next to your virtual table, I DONT KNOW! I simply got bored of the site, although it has a lot going for it in some ways.

Plenty of kippers, the only site i believe to be on a par with party for poor quality players. Good range of freezeouts and some omaha tourneys which i like.

Anyway to cut to the chase i opened up my account and discovered 33$ just lying there untouched. Ok , let's get grinding. I thought PLom/8 was probably the safest route so i chucked my money down on a 50$ max buy in table and began grinding.

The players here seemed abysmal as expected. An orderly queue of kippers formed to be scooped, drawn out on and quartered by the cat. As the awe-struck and dumb-struck fish set fire to their $s in sacrifice at the sacred altar of the high priest of all things feline, i pondered on why some people don't get better at poker.

I mean I used to be a fish. But losing some money taught me a lesson and i strived to get better. So I did. Why can't they? Sometimes I want to reach out and stick my hands into cyberspace and strangle some sense into these people, even if it cuts into my profit margins.

Anyway, needless to say i destroyed kippers left right and centre, cleaning 6 of them out and running my table balance up to 220$ in less than an hour. Easy!!!!

So next step is to get this up to 1k at which point I can truly say I own all the small stakes fish and start making some real money at the bigger tables.

In other news, I've recently been playing omaha/8 limit rather a lot at party. I used to play these tables before but left due to a falling out with corals, my party skin of choice at the time. Now I'm back and already the ripples caused by a large feline launching himself into the waters of the 3/6 and 5-10 tables are being felt.

One fish started quoting my poker tracker stats at me the other day! He passed his blind to one of my riases, saying," according to PTO, you only ever raise AA or A2 so i'll give you respect and pass." I then proceeded to raise his blind every round, until in fury he reraised me and i capped.

Flop came 224.

I bet out he called.

Turn came K.

I bet out he check riased me i reraised he capped.
river came J.

He bet, i riased and he called.

He showed A245 for 2s full of fours.

I showed AKK3 for Kings full of 2s.

I scooped.

"Lucky ****."

Never claim you know the cat's game or he will punish you mercilessly.

The VC Challenge

2005-11-25T10:51:00.000-08:00

I drew the bulk of my funds out of VC a while ago, continuing my tribeca pursuits on my blue square account. Sadly this meant virtually killing off panther2003. Of course this pleased the newly spawned Junglecat03 immensely as he immediately sought to bring carnage and destruction to the doors of the kippers' bankrolls.

Recently though i realised i had some action points lying dormant in the former King of the Cats' account, so i decided to see if i could boost my current bankroll of 1$ to a decent level via the route of the freeroll whore.

So, with a lusty bellow of "FRREEEEROLLLL" I aroused the erstwhile hibernating Panther and began to ply my trade in some of VC's freerolls, starting wiht the 500$ PLom/8 game.

As i've recounted in past blogs i have been playing a lot of this recently, and i consider myself "in form" at this brand of poker. (Unlike my NLHE which is not so hot at the moment) So I began the tournament in confident form and soon amassed a decent stack, although partly this was die to getting AAKQ allin preflop 3 ways and managing to scoop. After this i maintained the pressure and soon moved to near the top of the leaderboard where i remained till the final table. At the final table i played tightly and aggressively, slowly building my stack before i got to 4 handed with about 1/2 the chips in play. Here i just moved in pretty much every hand, as my FE was large due to the other 3 stacks wanting to move up the ladder. Eventually one guy called me when i had a reasonable hand A556 ss. He had AJQK or some such and my 5s scooped the hi as i made the lo too. He had a go at me as he departed saying i "was just a card catcher!" Seeing as I hadnt shown down any of my last 8 or so steals i thought that was a particularly kippery comment to make but could not think of a pithy response at the time, so i merely suggested he go read a book on catching cards so he could get as good as me and wished him good day.

eventually i got HU with a 3-1 advantage but the other guy kept getting lucky! I had him allin 3 or 4 times with both the slight worst of it and on 2 occasions where i was utterly killing him, but he hit every time and eventually he outdrew me one final time and i expired, vanquished in 2nd.

So, 1st freeroll - 85$.

I then plonked this down on the omaha/8 cash tables and buyilt it up to 220. Out of this I played the 36$ FO and the 25$ FO but sadly bad cards and such meant i couldnt make any impact on these so i took 100 back onto the cash tables where i converted it into 250.

SO my Balance currently stands at 303$, not bad for nothing. I aim to try and hit 1k so ill keep you up to speed as to how it is going. The best thing, though, is having Panther back on the tables causing trouble. He's been missed.......

why PLom/8 is so easy to beat

2005-11-14T18:03:00.000-08:00

This is why its so easy to destroy the kippers....

I've been playign for 20 mins or so and running v slow- seeing little- so ive spent my time watching the other players. Sphere has made some poor plays but has built his stack through sheer luck. I know i can take them off him if the right opportunity arises.

Then this happens.

Nov 15 01:58:08] : Hand Start.
[Nov 15 01:58:08] : Seat 3 : Junglecat03 has $96.18
[Nov 15 01:58:08] : Seat 4 : mccanro has $78
[Nov 15 01:58:08] : Seat 5 : kmcmen has $25.34
[Nov 15 01:58:08] : Seat 6 : yehaw has $6.75
[Nov 15 01:58:08] : Seat 7 : Cyboy has $27.99
[Nov 15 01:58:08] : Seat 8 : sphere has $134.39
[Nov 15 01:58:08] : Junglecat03 is the dealer.
[Nov 15 01:58:08] : mccanro posted small blind.
[Nov 15 01:58:09] : kmcmen posted big blind.
[Nov 15 01:58:09] : Game [3268] started with 6 players.
[Nov 15 01:58:09] : Dealing Hole Cards.
[Nov 15 01:58:09] : Seat 3 : Junglecat03 has Ad 4h 5c Ah

Very nice starting hand. Pair of Aces, three wheel cards and suited ace meaning any flush i make is the nut flush. PLus I'm perfectly positioned on the button. Only problem is if i flop 3rd low or soemthing i cant get too attached to it in the face of resistance.

[Nov 15 01:58:11] : yehaw folded.
[Nov 15 01:58:12] : Cyboy called $1
[Nov 15 01:58:15] : sphere called $1
[Nov 15 01:58:21] : Junglecat03 called $1 and raised $3

Yep lets start building the pot.

[Nov 15 01:58:29] : mccanro folded.
[Nov 15 01:58:29] : kmcmen called $3
[Nov 15 01:58:30] : Cyboy called $3
[Nov 15 01:58:33] : sphere called $3

Good he's in. This is my man. I want his $s.

[Nov 15 01:58:33] : Dealing flop.
[Nov 15 01:58:33] : Board cards [2d 6h 3h]

OMG - ludicrously good flop, nuts both ways with nut flush redraw. Theres the sound of corks being popped coming from the feline's direction.

[Nov 15 01:58:36] : kmcmen checked.
[Nov 15 01:58:38] : Cyboy checked.
[Nov 15 01:58:41] : sphere checked.

[Nov 15 01:58:45] : Junglecat03 bet $4

No point slowplaying too much a 4$ bet will invite some1 in, maybe catch some1 with the nut str8 too who i can freeroll off. People call with sets and other flush draws here too primarily because they are scaly and breathe through gills.

[Nov 15 01:58:48] : kmcmen folded.
[Nov 15 01:58:51] : Cyboy folded.
[Nov 15 01:58:57] : sphere called $4 and raised $16

Hehe, he check raised me the kipper! I'm guessing he also has flopped the str8 so im freerolling on him wiht my flushdraw for high and already quartering him wiht my nut lo. I know he;s not capable of making a big laydown so i decide to fast play here to prevent any scare cards killing my action.

[Nov 15 01:59:06] : Junglecat03 called $16 and raised $56.50

[Nov 15 01:59:08] : sphere called $56.50

[Nov 15 01:59:08] : Dealing turn.
[Nov 15 01:59:08] : Board cards [2d 6h 3h 7d]

[Nov 15 01:59:13] : sphere checked. After the flat call and the check i have reevaluated and decided he just has the nut lo. Whatever hes pot stuck so i dump my last 15$ in.

[Nov 15 01:59:44] : Junglecat03 bet $15.68 and is All-in
[Nov 15 01:59:49] : sphere called $15.68
[Nov 15 01:59:50] : Showdown!
[Nov 15 01:59:50] : Seat 3 : Junglecat03 has Ad 4h 5c Ah
[Nov 15 01:59:51] : Seat 3 : Junglecat03 has Ad 4h 5c Ah
[Nov 15 01:59:51] : Seat 8 : sphere has Th 7c Kh 7s
[Nov 15 01:59:55] : Seat 3 : Junglecat03 has Ad 4h 5c Ah
[Nov 15 01:59:55] : Junglecat03 has high hand : Straight 76543
[Nov 15 01:59:55] : Junglecat03 has low hand : 5432A
[Nov 15 01:59:55] : Seat 8 : sphere has Th 7c Kh 7s
[Nov 15 01:59:55] : sphere has 3 of a Kind: 7s
[Nov 15 01:59:55] : Junglecat03 wins $98.93 with low hand : 5432A
[Nov 15 01:59:55] : Junglecat03 wins $98.93 with high hand : Straight 76543
[Nov 15 02:00:04] : Hand is over.

I am genuinely shocked to see his hand. I knew he was bad but this bad? He check raised me on a dangerous board with a King high flush draw! Even if he hits and its good (which it wouldnt have been) he'll usually only be chopping here. All the money he is putting in can only be lost, cant be used to win any more. Simply awful.

That's one of the keys at this level of om/8. Don't get drawing at half the pot if it just means you will chop. There are exceptions to this such as when you have a big draw to a nut hand and several poor players are in the pot as weaker flushes, str8s and full houses will often pay you off and if you are splitting you may be getting 50% of a pot where you have contributed only 20-30% of the chips. It is still tight though and these situations are marginal.

Gotta love it.

Tough times for the cat

2005-11-14T02:28:00.000-08:00

At the risk of sounding like one of the whining kippers i mock, i have to take issue with the poker gods. Put bluntly, they are being w****rs!

Having played poker pretty much for a living for getting on for 2 years now, i have experienced bad runs of luck on many occasions. I have always managed to deal with these periods, accepting the slings and arrows of misfortune and I've always prided myself on my psychological fortitude.

At the moment though i am mired in a swamp of outdraws and i am struggling to cope with them. I can't get a hand to hold up and it's beginning to affect my game. It's kind of tough timing because i feel like i should probably take a break to freshen up which always helps btu i'm under pressure to earn some $s coming up to christmas.

It might, and I know this is drastic, but it might mean I have to .....wait for it.....get a PROPER JOB(spit spit). There I said it, hang on a moment while i just swill some mouthwash. Yes the dirty word, the dirty deed, the dirtiest of dirties, a job ugg.

I still earn the odd bit here and there for articles i write on sport and music, but its not enough to live on. The thought of putting a suit and tie back on is sooo repulsive to me though. I spent 6 years working in various office jobs from credit control to contract negotiation.

The final straw and the single most important event that propelled me into a poker career came during my Air France days. I made my usual weekly trip to the palatial environs of the Pakistan International Airlines offices, ready to do battle with their resident gladiator, Mr Stinkitup(pseudonym willl be explained shortly) , over the minutiae of their contract held with "us".

I made my way to their office and rapped the door with my knuckle to announce my presence. As usual there was a kerfuffle heard from inside, followed by several urgent whispers in some incomprehensible language, before the door was opened and i was ushered in by a subserviant employee.

"Come in Mr Rod"(forenames replaced surnames in their address etiquette for unfathomable(to me at least) reasons)" come in. Would you like some tea or coffee? Becky"(the secretary) " fetch Rod something to eat."

I knew i was in for a long meeting with mr Stinku, so i requested some tea. In case it wasn't clear earlier, the "palatial" description of the PIA offices was intended as sarcasm. No lavish gold flecked couches, glittering chandeliers and silver baths full of ass' milk here(do they have these in palaces?). In their place were wonky plastic chairs, flickering single light bulbs and tables whose every square inch was covered with a disarray of paperwork.

Yes the office decor was one whose theme was mayhem. In fact, had you not been aware that this was its usual state, you would have beleived they had just suffered a pretty exhaustive burglary and been dialling 999.

I was beckoned into Mr Stinku's private office and Becky brought through my tea and a plateful of highly sticky pieces of dough. I recognised these evil items masquerading as doughnuts from my previous trip, where i had tried one out of politeness and foolhardiness. They are difficult to describe. Imagine a doughnut. Now imagine you condense 10 doughnuts into one. Now imagine you pour a gallon of oil and four bags of silver spoon sugar on top of these and further condense this into a single doughnut shape. By now the oil and sugar content has produced a foodstuff of similar density to a blackhole to the extent that it even begins to exert a gravitational pull. This is most noticeable as you take a bite and your teeth have trouble remaining in your head.

The last time i began to eat one of these, i only managed to eat a few mouthfuls before realising that it would be the last time i ever let one of these come anywhere near my mouth. In fact, having discarded the greater part of the hell-doughnut on my saucer, Mr Stinku had made several insistent exhortations that i finish this delicacy and only a piece of clever palming sleight of hand and suffering a sticky oily pocket, saved the day. (Later on taking the slimy thing out of my pocket and lobbing it across the departure lounge of terminal 2 and watching it hit, and stick, to a wall was the highlight of the day)

No, after last time's bitter experience, I refused their kind offer and presented the idea that perhaps we should get down to business. The next two hours involved an incredibly dull debate as myself and Mr stinku argued over points in the contract and areas where he felt Air France had been negligent, whilst I did my best, despite being thoroughly unmotivated by my job, to defend the company and secure as small a rebate as possible.

The meeting was punctuated by a key moment though. Before i explain this, i have to draw your attention to the climate control exercised by PIA. This was summer where the ambient outside temperature was roughly 20-25 degrees centrigrade, a fine pleasant english summer day. In their wisdom however Mr Stinku and his associates thought it prudent to ensure that the ambient temperature within the PIA offices was 45-50 degrees centrigrade. 3 or 4 minutes into entering into the PIA offices sweat was leaking out of my pores. As a consequence of this preposterous swelter, the body odour of each and every one of the male members crammed into this tiny, un air-conditioned office was magnified and the effect was nauseating.

This is what made the following behaviour of Mr stinku so reprehensible. As we began the latest bickering on whether Air France had handled fliught 789 on tuesday the 27th with aplomb or incompetence, I watched on in horror as Mr Stinku leant down, untied his shoes and removed them along with his socks and an almost visible cloud of foot-related fragrance.

This pungent gas reached my nostrils shortly afterwards, causing me to gag and reach out for something to remove the taste, before i chundered dramatically. Sadly a combination of my watering eyes and my instinct to avoid danger failing me caused me to happen upon one of the hell-dougnnuts.

As the lesser of two evils I now had to eat this thing and its malevolence breached the defences of my mouth once more and battle took place between my teeth and Newton's universal law of gravitational attraction. I managed to survive the ordeal with hte help of some of my tea, but it was no pleasant experience.

Naturally, I wrapped up proceedings shortly afterwards and made a quick getaway to the safer confines of the Air France checkout desk where I related the tale to Cindy one of the lovely air stewardesses who worked there. It was this event, above anything else, that motivated me to dump this job and move into the realm of poker.

Surely i won't have to return to this! Save me! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!

RIP my Epiphone

2005-11-05T18:51:00.000-08:00

Due to my extensive travelling round the locales of brighton in recent months, I haven't put much practise into my guitar playing. This is a slight problem as

a) I enjoy it and
b) I fucking need the practice.

I haven't fancied draggin a guitar strapped to my back as well as my laptop so I have basically degenerated from being a rather poor player who can play a few oasis songs badly(at my peak) to a piss poor player who can barely manage a few chords.

The problems originated when Cat PLC made the executive decision, based on brighton relocation considerations, to perform some asset stripping manoeuvres. Many and various transactions were completed in this period. These included Oxfam being the beneficiaries of various items of clothing, which were un likely to be of use to me again.

The disappearance of my guitar was a complicated issue. My brother had had his invidious little peepers on my epiphone for some time and in a moment of madness, and in keeping with the cat's policy on property resale, I agreed that he could have it for 50 pounds, his old hohner guitar and a large bag of weed. Since I had originally purchased it for £120, I felt this deal wasn't too bad, especially given that i often come out on the wrong side of deals struck with my rapscallion brother.

However I feel now as though this might have been a mistake, as i miss my old epiphone and its dulcid tones. Wild Thing will never be the same.........

MMMoker

2005-11-02T10:56:00.000-08:00

Recently i have been hard at work in my gaming development lab working

with a colleague, Mr Flush "Kipper" Royal, designing a variant of NL

holdem. After weeks of slaving over hot calculators and bubbling, smoky

testtubes, finally it is complete . The game known as MMMoker is born.

I predict this will eclipse current NLHE rules within 2 years and we will see the World series of MMMoker as the worlds biggest card game in this period.

VIsit below for more details.

www.mmmoker.blogspot.com

The poker gods

2005-11-01T15:32:00.000-08:00

Do not anger the poker gods. They are all powerful. I made this mistake today. Watch how they brought me to my knees.

Multi-Table Tournament
Table Name Hand ID Game Stakes
MTT Table 3 5298543-74 Holdem No Limit 400/800
[Nov 1 17:01:54] : Hand Start.
[Nov 1 17:01:54] : Seat 1 : Mintman has $7,150
[Nov 1 17:01:54] : Seat 2 : mwo3 has $7,980
[Nov 1 17:01:54] : Seat 3 : ReeDonkulos has $14,770
[Nov 1 17:01:54] : Seat 4 : --joker-- has $5,800
[Nov 1 17:01:54] : Seat 5 : Junglecat03 has $12,080
[Nov 1 17:01:54] : Seat 6 : j chitwood has $6,070
[Nov 1 17:01:54] : Seat 7 : charlie1972 has $7,100
[Nov 1 17:01:54] : Seat 8 : Melspoker has $10,320
[Nov 1 17:01:54] : Seat 9 : kristie521 has $14,070

[Nov 1 17:01:54] : j chitwood posted small blind.
[Nov 1 17:01:54] : charlie1972 posted big blind.
[Nov 1 17:01:54] : Game [74] started with 9 players.
[Nov 1 17:01:54] : Dealing Hole Cards.
[Nov 1 17:01:54] : Seat 5 : Junglecat03 has Qd Qc

(hmm nice hand lets hope for some action)

[Nov 1 17:02:06] : --joker-- called 800 and raised 5,000 and is All-in

(joker u da man)

[Nov 1 17:02:10] : Junglecat03 called 5,800

(fucking right i do)

Poker Gods: The cat is allin. We like the cat. We know he plays proper poker with dignity and respect. We know he has a hand. We will reward his patience and good play with a nice flop and give him an overcaller to boost the pot. Enjoy.

[Nov 1 17:02:11] : j chitwood called 5,400

[Nov 1 17:02:11] : Board cards [Qs 3h 2d]

( The poker gods are true to their word. I flop the nut set and am certain to take the pot down. Woohoo!!)
[Nov 1 17:02:14] : j chitwood bet 270 and is All-in
[Nov 1 17:02:14] : Under-Raise rules are now in effect.

(ok now i am naughty and slowroll for a few seconds. I have a short internal dialogue running along the lines of

Junglecat: I have the nuts! I own all you kippers! Munch my dust! Do i call? Let me see if I can solve this using the math.... pot is laying me something like 18000 :300 or 60-1 and i have the best possible hand. I'd estimate im probably about 97% to win this pot. It's close, but i'm paid to make these tough decisions. I CALL!)

(This is translated to the rather briefer public version of:)

[Nov 1 17:02:51] : Junglecat03 : hmmm
[Nov 1 17:02:53] : Junglecat03 called 270

(Sadly, the arrogance and cockiness of the cat has not gone unnoticed)

Poker Gods: The cat has failed to display his usual standards of table etiquette. He should have, to use a hackneyed poker cliche, "got it quietly". The poker gods demand this small piece of humility in order for him to collect the pot. But he did not. And now he will suffer. Oh yes. For you do not desecrate the temple of the poker gods without severe repercussions. Brace yourself, sacreligious feline. You are in for a fall.

Poker God 1: How shall we punish him?

Poker God 2: Let us gift the spoils to the player he humiliated. He has Jacks. Let the turn and river be RUNNER RUNNER jacks providing the ultimate pain and humiliation. HAHA!

Poker God 3: Shit, i've already dealt a 4 on the turn. WHOOPS!

Poker God 2: Sod it, give it to the other kipper who's jammed the str8 draw.

[Nov 1 17:02:53] : Showdown!
[Nov 1 17:02:53] : Seat 5 : Junglecat03 has Qd Qc
[Nov 1 17:02:55] : Seat 4 : --joker-- has 5h Tc
[Nov 1 17:02:55] : Seat 5 : Junglecat03 has Qd Qc
[Nov 1 17:02:55] : Seat 6 : j chitwood has Jc Jd

[Nov 1 17:03:01] : Board cards [Qs 3h 2d 4h 6h]

(Junglecat: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)

[Nov 1 17:03:01] : Seat 6 : j chitwood has Jc Jd
[Nov 1 17:03:01] : j chitwood has Pair: Jacks
[Nov 1 17:03:01] : Seat 5 : Junglecat03 has Qd Qc
[Nov 1 17:03:01] : Junglecat03 has 3 of a Kind: Queens
[Nov 1 17:03:01] : Junglecat03 wins 540 with 3 of a Kind: Queens
[Nov 1 17:03:01] : Seat 4 : --joker-- has 5h Tc
[Nov 1 17:03:01] : --joker-- has Straight 65432
[Nov 1 17:03:01] : Seat 5 : Junglecat03 has Qd Qc
[Nov 1 17:03:01] : Junglecat03 has 3 of a Kind: Queens
[Nov 1 17:03:01] : Seat 6 : j chitwood has Jc Jd
[Nov 1 17:03:01] : j chitwood has Pair: Jacks
[Nov 1 17:03:01] : --joker-- wins 18,200 with Straight 65432
[Nov 1 17:03:06] : Melspoker : lol

(Junglecat: FU kipper)

[Nov 1 17:03:16] : Hand is over.
[Nov 1 17:03:16] :
[Nov 1 17:03:16] : Stakes: 400/800 Current level: 8 Level up in: 6 min. Break in: 53 min. Players : 57

Poker gods: Our work is done.

Poker god 1: Hey Fugu is slating some player on table 3, let's go bust him!

Poker god 2: OK, let me just finish off my heads up game with jesus. All that hanging around with fishermen in galilee obviously rubbed off, he jsut caught a friggin 2 outer against me!

A few points....

2005-10-27T17:02:00.000-07:00

First off let me say thank you to all who have said nice things about the cat diaries and have asked for more. I can't oblige unfortunately as I am trying to write an entire book's worth with a view to getting this published. If eventually it does get published, I will disperse some copies amongst you guy.

Secondly, apologies for one of my posts earlier which is a bit of a repeat of itself. This occurred as a result of my perennial struggle with technology.

grrr, as i write this i just push allin with nut set and gutshot calls for 1.5 x pot and hits on river. DAMN YOU KIPPER!

Mad birds in Brighton

2005-10-27T06:09:00.000-07:00

In the last few days i have come across two bizarre situations involving the birdlife in brighton, which brought to mind a third encounter i had with a mad bird a while ago .

The first occurred when staying at one of the hotels on the sea-front. Upon checking in, i was informed by a pale-faced woman on the desk that the TV wasn't working . When i asked why this was, she explained a group of seagulls had made a nest in the aeriel, and every time a workman tried to remove the nest, he was attacked by irate gulls....

I waited for a few moments for her to break into laughter but it soon became apparent by her immutably stern expression that this was not a joke.

Surely the best excuse for shoddy service i have ever heard...

Sorry for the bad reception on your TV but we are being terrorised by a recalcitrant gang of seagulls!! - Classic.

Second situation occurred as i wandered down a boulevard of brighton i hve given the moniker Curry Close due to its ubiquity of indian eating establishments. I was jsut returning from a viewing of a flat when i noticed two pigeons apparently dancing in the road. I moved in clsoer and realised that far from dancing they were having a ruck!

They were pecking each other furiously as they circled round and round, and then came a startling development, that recalled an aspect of the night of scouse violence a few weeks back.

One of the pigeons HEAD BUTTED the other. Given my close proximity i had no doubt that this was no accidental clash of heads but a calculated attempt by one to nut the other. I even heard a mini crack as the two combatants heads came into contact. Eventually the pigeons unruly brawl was interrupted as it spilled into the street and both had to avoid being run over by a passing motorist.

It was a great fight though.

Both these occurrences brought to mind a time when i was in Victoria station. I had arrived early and had about 30 mins to kill till my train arrived. I elected to fill this void in time at the same time i filled the void in my stomach by grabbing some food. Given the paucity of selection, i plumped for the Burger King and popped in to grab me a whopper.

Eager to devour my purchase i scanned the station for a suitable locale to begin my feast. Sadly, being rush hour the station was a sea of people, with every possible spot taken.

SO i bowled over to an open patch of ground, sat on my bag and unwrapped my burger and chips on my lap. I was tucking into a few fries, when i noticed that my fast food had aroused a little interest in the nearby pigeons. One large pigeon in particular was showing an intense curiosity, manifested by regular attempts to approach me, which were always curtailed by a vigorous wave of my foot, promising things would get violent if he got too much closer.

As I ate my meal, a young lady from poland, who was standing close to me, asked me a question regarding the train timetable, which I did my best to answer from my limited knowledge. Unbeknownst to me, as I attempted to assist this damsel in distress, the pigeon had seen an opening in my defences and had taken his opportunity to mvoe in. I noticed this at the last moment out of the corner of my eye, jsut as he came within pecking distance of my whopper....

I whirled round and pushed out at the pigeon, scuppering his attempt at the last moment. He flew back ina squawk of feathers. What he did next defied belief. He flew further back into the air and then FLEW AT MY HEAD! Yes, in shock i saw this large pigeon, diving kamikaze style at my head. I can still picture it now, although my memory has oufitted the pigeon with a white bandana with a red spot on it. I managed to bat the pigeon away from head at the last moment, although in my surprise, i admit i may have made a rather feminine shrieking noise. For sure the polish girl did not look impressed. The pigeon then flew off to the rafters, scouting the area for his next victim and i finished my food and left to board my train, more worldly wise as to the physical dangers posed by pigeons.

Websites and films

2005-10-26T13:53:00.000-07:00

These are some of my favourite sites, check them out.

Ed Moulton's blog - www.livejournal.com/users/sugarjames

Hectorjelly recommended him and I know his praise is hard won so i flicked over and had a look. Ed's blog is one of the funniest you will read. His comments on beer, weed, gambling and pondering life's deeper mysteries are peppered with funny anecdotes and told in his own inimitable style. Not to be missed.

www.twoplustwo.com

Far and away the best site for poker debate, the forums here are graced by a number of fine players, including occasional input from greg raymer, paul phillips and david sklansky amongst ohters. Most poker forums often degenerate into abuse and technical discussion is often very poor. Conversely, here you often very good discussion on technical matters, exploring the deeper mathematics and meta-game factors involved. Also, when the abuse does come, it can be very high quality abuse.

No poker player should ignore this site.

www.twodimes.net

Excellent tool for calculating odds and EV. You'll learn most of the important things off by heart soon enough but this will solve those arguments about whether JQs is a favourite over 22.

Great films.

Highly untopical, i don't care because these were great films i only got round to seeing recently.

Bourne Identity/ Supremacy

I hadn't seen this but knew the books were popular and that these came recommended by many. So I pulled my finger out bought both DVDs and watched them.

The Bourne Identity is one of the best action films I've seen. The action scenes are all impressively done, never over the top, but it is the central character who is the focal point of the film. Matt Damon dazzles in the role of Bourne, evoking sympathy in one moment, awe in the next, underpinned by a constant, furtive, restless intelligence. He really was ( I can't say it , can I....?) born to be bourne.... (couldn't help myself!)

If you haven't seen this and like action films, then watch it, ok!! 9/10

The sequel Supremacy lacks the punch of the original, which would have been difficult once the secret is out of the bag but is still an excellent film as he battles some of his associates and outwits and outthinks the combined intelligence and might of the FBI once more, after being dragged back into the world of espionage. 7.5/10

The Bourne character is a great addition to the pantheon of cinema greats and let's hope the next film in the series, which is currently being made, can match these two.

***
Lastly, but not least I have to mention the film, MOMENTO.

A great film, innovatively designed that keeps you guessing all the way through. At first the style is confusing and obscure but it is worth it as the knots in the plot untangle grippingly as the film approaches its unpredictable denouement.

Guy Pearce, plays the character very smoothly, cementing his place among Hollywood's best actors.. Not bad for a kid from ramsay street.

The ambiguities in the plot and plethora of little hints and tips to the solution are littered thorughout the film. It is well worth watching 2 or 3 times to catch these moments.

9/10

Good websites

2005-10-22T17:32:00.000-07:00

Ok. First off the best blog i have read in a while. Ed Moulton's blog at

www.livejournal.com/users/sugarjames

will have you in stitches. Stoner anecdotes, imaginative ideas and gambling abound in this witty and rebellious look at life. Hectorjelly(www.hectorjelly.yesitsrigged.com) reccomended this.

When it comes to poker discussion i think this is the best on the web.

www.twoplustwo.com

A lot of respected poker players post here, including greg raymer and david sklansky, although he seems to direct a lot of his posts at the philosophy section aka the -is-there-a-god-isn't-there-a-god section. Lots of interesting stuff to read, and great debate on poker hands and strategy, covering most of the top poker games out there. A must if you enjoy talking poker theory.

www.fullcontactpoker.com.

Dan negreanu is perhaps the most open of all the top professionals out there. He is frank and honest in his accounts of tournaments and life and you get a real glimpse behind the eyes of a top poker professional. The thinking that goes into his play, has established daniel as one of , if not the best tournament player out there. Read about how he does it here!

More pet hates...

2005-10-19T18:54:00.000-07:00

3. The bad beat that isn't a bad beat, specifically people whinging about this.

Ok, let's just clarify how poker works. You win because you get your money in ahead or with positive expectation. Therefore if u get your money in behind and the cards unravel themselves in unusual patterns then THIS IS NOT A BAD BEAT. OK??

As an example, ok you raise with KK and are raised allin. You call. Your opponent has A2. Flop comes AA x x K and u scoop the pot. When i see Mr A2 going ffs, this makes me want to slap him. I mean i want to slap him anyway for going allin with A2 but now i want to slap him even harder! THIS IS NOT A BAD BEAT.

Even if some1 pipes in, " i folded a K" and there is one out on the river, it is STILL not a bad beat. If you don't understand this concept then please either jsut give up poker, or, if in my presence, never speak. I hope that is clear.

4. People with no table manners.

OK, i can hear you guys saying WTF Cat u f*****g hypocrite, you're a rude ****** slagging off the kippers all the time!! Well, all i will say is that yes in my blog, i can be a tad scathing at times but at the table i am rarely rude to people. If I am, it is usually done in a jovial, sarcastically disguised way.

For example, I am often to be heard praising players after being beaten. Now as i rarely, if ever, get outplayed, this normally occurs after some utter salmon has sucked out on me. A typical example would be, some1 riases UTG and in position I reraise AQ sutied knowing them to have some raggedy shit. Flop comes 4 7 9, kipper checks, i know he has missed and so throw in a 3/4 pot bet, he calls. Turn is a Q, kipper bets out, i feel he has nothing and riase him a good amount. He calls, river comes a K, and we check it down.

He turns over KJ and takes it down. Conversation often runs along these lines.

Junglecat03: WOW vvvvvvvvvvvwp.
Hapless Kipper: Lucky, ty.
Junglecat03: Lucky? Don't be modest. It takes a lot of guts to call 2 big bets with K hi and then, the way you value checked when you hit your miracle 3 outer was majestic.
Hapless Kipper: Ty.
Junglecat03: You got game kid, see you at the WSOP.

The strange thing with these people is that they rarely, if ever seem to understand that they are being mercilessly mocked. This makes it a good way to admonish the kippers under their noses and they don't even realise what is going on.

Anyhoo, i have strayed slightly off topic here and no one likes a stray cat. All mangy and shit.
NO. What i dislike is people who come out with stuff after bad beats like "HAHAHAHA" or who scream "YESSSS" at the misfortune of anohter player.

I had a situation earlier where with 20 left in the 4k, 18 paid, i am down to 6k after a very barren run of cards, blinds 300 600. I get AKh and am faced with a limper UTG. I am happy to take the pot down preflop and so move all my chips into the middle, only to find the sb calls me.

Damn, i know hes prob got a big hand...

He turns over QQ.

Flop comes A (yes) x Q (FUCK) x x and he wins the pot.

"YESSSSSSSSSS" he types in the chat box.

Now, i'm not complaining about losing. He had a better hand and this was NOT A BAD BEAT. (see above) However, the least the fucker could've done was shown a bit of dignity and respect for the guy whos been battling away fro 2 hrs only to finish on the bubble with a premium hand on a coin flip. But no. He has to shout out yes. Well u know what?? I was going to say nh and wish u luck. Instead I will simply mouth fuck you at the screen and pick up my little voodoo kipper-doll and have myself some fun.

How will I do that? Its simple. I set up a little poker game with my kipper-doll and we play a few hands. And believe me, this kipper-doll is gonna suffer some mighty beats. Yes, the deck is stacked well against my little kipper effigy friend.... he's like flopping trips all over the place and facing higher sets and full houses. At one point he thinks he has the flop nailed with quad aces, but guess what? That's right mofo he gets runner runnered with a straight flush. And have a little stab in the dark at what i might be shouting at him as he gets all these bad beats??

YESSSSS, u got it.

As a finale I simulate my kipper's internet connection being cut off by sticking a calculator in front of him and removing the batteries and then I go down the traditional voodoo route of sticking a pin into his head.

Now i know some of you are thinking," Come off it cat, you're just blowing off some steam, none of this shit does anything." Check it out. Next time u diss the cat, feel the evil vibes heading your way, watch yourself get outdrawn time and again , and bear witness to your internet connection crumbling in front of your eyes. When you feel the vicious migraine kick in, maybe then you will understand the limitless potential of the forces the cat can unleash.

Seeya soon kippers.

Pet hates...

2005-10-17T16:37:00.000-07:00

OK so we all have them, right?

Here's a few of mine.

1. People min riasing 1st hand of a tournament after a few limpers.
***Nuff said , it is silly. The by product of possibly sending me on tilt in a fit of frothy rage should be weighed against the fact it is pointless, irritating and will earn u a pint over your head if i ever meet you.

2. People prefacing their name with a location, in particular Vegas.
****I don't know, maybe it's irrational but i just don't like it.

Maybe it's because it re-inforces ideas of the piece of land on which we live somehow defining us, a concept i find antiquated and reactionary.

Maybe it's becuase most of the people who do this seem almost indistinguishable in evolutionary terms from cro-magnon man.

Yes they seem to have swapped mammoth skin coats for burberry socks and pre-historic caves for bungalows in essex with hyundais parked outside but they have retained the protruding foreheads and gutteral speech expressions that defined our ancestors.

Maybe, and perhaps this is the most compelling reason, it's because i can't stand it when some1 called Lasvegasjim or some such, sits himself down at my omaha hi lo table with 5$.....I mean clearly in this scenario, the name is worn as some sort of badge of pride. It is announcing, "I'm a big time player, I kick ass, I rule vegas, I..." SHUT UP IMAGINARY VOICE I AM CREATING IN MY HEAD AKA LASVEGASJIM. YOU RULE NOTHING. YOU HAVE SAT DOWN WITH THE BARE MINIMUM AT THE TABLE ONCE AGAIN IN SPITE OF THE MANY VICIOUS DIATRIBES I AHVE AIMED IN YOUR DIRECTION. YOU WILL SHORTLY BE GETTING QUARTERED/ SCOOPED BY ME OR SOME OTHER SUCKER YET AGAIN.
THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE DOMINION OVER IS A KEENLY DEVELOPED ABILITY TO SUCK, A SKILL YOU HAVE NURTURED SINCE BIRTH AND WILL CONTINUE TO DEMONSTRATE REGULARLY TILL THE DAY YOU DEPART OUR PLANET, HAVING ADDED LITTLE OF VALUE OTHER THAN A +10$ EXPECTATION IN MY PROFIT LEVELS EVERY TIME YOU LOWER YOUR GREASY LITTLE SOON-TO-BE-SEPERATED-FROM-ITS-MONEY ASS ON MY TABLE. IF YOU TRULY REPRESENT LAS VEGAS THEN ITS ENTIRE POPULATION SHOULD IMMEDIATELY LAY HANDS UPON A FIREARM, INSERT IN THEIR MOUTHS AND PULL THE TRIGGER, AN ACT THEY WILL HAPPILY PARTAKE IN IF THE RESULT IS TO TERMINATE A LIFE ASSOCIATED WITH SOMEONE OF YOUR CALIBRE.

Ok so i lost it a bit there. These shortstacks really are getting to me these days!

Tough poker playing conditions

2005-10-11T14:56:00.000-07:00

A slight departure from my usual rantings, I'd like to tell you about my experiences last ngiht which were pretty bizarre. I've played live poker against some very good players. I remember feeling Dave colclough's icy stare as i made a bet in barcelona and Willie Tann's cool nonchalance as he pushed all his chips in the middle against me at the vic. Last night was perhaps the greatest test of my poker concentration though!!

Let me fill you in.

I am in Brighton at the moment, residing in a hotel as i scout the area for a convenient flat to rent. I have stayed here quite a few times and it has always struck me as a quiet, peaceful locale. When i'm here, if im not meeting up with friends in the evening, I usually camp out in the lobby with my laptop, using the free wireless internet access to make a few dollars playing poker.

Last night i was doing just that, enjoying a pint or two and chatting with the barmaid as I played a few 25$ stts. I managed to finish 3rd in one and was heads up in the 2nd one, when a loud group of scousers entered the bar and began drinking heavily. No probs i thought. I continued my game and one of the lads, named Terry began chatting to me. We swapped a few stories about Liverpool, the team we both supported and he demonstrated his cheeky scouse " native wit" as I observed he must've grown up with Ian Rush and Jan Molby, to which he replied, "ERRR No m8, i grooo oop with me mam and da!" and broke into a big liverpudlian giggle. I laughed along with him and it all seemed pretty relaxed.

Then the trouble began.

One of the group was with his girlfriend and they had both got pretty wasted and began a big barny. I was trying to concentrate on raising 74c in position so I left them too it, but their argument became increasingly more distracting. Before I knew it all seven of the group had bounded to their feet and had moved into the middle of the lobby, jabbing each other in the chest, calling each other "soft lad" a lot, and I even heard the classic "kerm down" uttered more than once.

One guy from a seperate group wandered over and asked them if they could keep it down a bit, a suggestion which was treated with contempt.

"Eh , we've paid for our rooooms same as youse soft lad. Keep yer nose outtaf it m8"

He tried reasoning a little more but eventually decided it wasnt gonna get him anyway. I was still struggling heads up in my stt. Eventually the storm seemed to have passed as most of the group wandered upstairs and only two guys, one of them Terry, were left. They had plenty of fight left in the pair of them though and continued arguing dragging the "interferer", who i discovered was called Robin into the debate.

Eventually i managed to win my stt, and was able to concentrate harder on events in the hotel. Robin and Lee, the other scouser, were arguing drunkenly about whether on not he should've said anything about his bird etc etc......it was a classic booze-fuelled argument, heading nowhere and self-perpetuating. I did everything in my power to calm the situation down and managed to stop them coming to blows once or twice.

Eventually Robin went to bed and Lee followed after him, leaving me and Terry to discuss the plight of Liverpool's strike force. About 10 minutes later, Lee returned, sporting a number of cuts and bruises,

"Eh Terry, I gave that lad an 'iding, he ad it coomin"
(Groan)

Given the state of Lee, if he had given out the hiding, then Robin was going to be in pretty horendous shape. I went into the heart of the hotel to find him and discovered him in the hotel lift. It was not a pretty sight.

As the doors whirred open i saw Robin slumped on the floor, legs akimbo, barely consious, lying amidst at least 12 seperate pools of blood. His nose was broken and bleeding, he had several cuts to his forehead and had a couple of eyes that were destined to be turning black.

TBC....

damn you mo**f*g &!!"£"$$

2005-10-07T14:25:00.000-07:00

Ok I said I was gonna complete my list of PL omaha aquatic lifeforms, and indeed i will in due course, don't fret.

First I want to vent some anger at this kipper i chanced across during my latest 5$ NLHE tournament. Now normally i don't play this low staked game, so what was my ass doing in this game, i hear you ask. Well i was feeling a bit tired and just fancied playing a relaxing game of poker which shouldn't prove too taxing. And that was how it proved, at least till the last few hands.

So anyway, i started quite badly as it goes, losing half my stack for some reason i fail to recall. I gradually built back up however, got lucky to win a coin flip with 88 v Aj suited of one of the good players then, with a few chips to my name, i turned on the domination and began to plunder chips from kippers left right and centre.

They were passing me chips as quickly as i could click my raise button and i soon ran my stack up to 12k or so, and entered the final table in good shape in the top 2. There were 2 fairly amusing kippers who were clearly friends of some sort, well i say friends, bum chums may be a more revealing and accurate description becuase as one would take a pot down the other would be there with his tongue firmly inserted in his chum's rear, making comments such as "wonderful play", "superbly done" and other such vomit-inducing obsequious observations.

I mean one time the guy called a riase out of position with JT off, managed to flop the nuts and him and his opponent got it allin on the turn when his oppo hit trips. I groaned in anticipation of the latest sycophancy heading toward the chat box and sure enough, it appeared in moments

Toady A "Masterful poker, you are playing wonderfully."
Toady B "Thanks there, you're playing great too."

Seriously, if this was in a live arena, they'd have been dumping bags of sawdust down to soak up the inevitable stew of half-digested carrots and other assorted chundered food stuffs that would have been flowing freely on the floor.

I attempted to assert a bit of feline quality control in the chat box by adopting a self appointed position of authority.

Cat: " Sorry bum licking is strictly forbidden at the tables, as per the blue square Terms&Conditions , could u refrain pls"

My comment was greeted with some muted messages of assent from the other kippers present. I felt that they would have lined up behind me in more vigororous support, had i not built up a slight wall of resentment myself by hammering away on their weakly protected blinds for the last 7 rounds.

Anyway we get to the final table and im in good shape. I build my stack up nicely and am looking like odds on to win when this hand happens.

Table of contents

Multi-Table Tournament
Table Name	Hand ID	Game	Stakes
MTT Table 1	4855217-132	Holdem No Limit	600/1,200
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : Hand Start.
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : Seat 2 : ultzman has $16,000
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : Seat 4 : toasty2 has $7,590
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : Seat 6 : BIGVRAJI has $27,390
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : Seat 7 : Junglecat03 has $21,930
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : Seat 8 : piefactory has $37,090
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : 'Dead button' is at seat 8
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : ultzman posted small blind.
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : toasty2 posted big blind.
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : Game [132] started with 5 players.
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : Dealing Hole Cards.
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : Seat 7 : Junglecat03 has Ks As
[Oct 7 21:16:26] : BIGVRAJI folded.
[Oct 7 21:16:28] : Stakes: 600/1,200 Current level: 9 Level up in: 7 min. Break in: 10 min. Players : 5
[Oct 7 21:16:32] : Junglecat03 called 1,200 and raised 2,000
[Oct 7 21:16:37] : piefactory folded.
[Oct 7 21:16:39] : ultzman called 2,600 and raised 12,800 and is All-in
[Oct 7 21:16:43] : toasty2 folded.
[Oct 7 21:16:46] : Stakes: 600/1,200 Current level: 9 Level up in: 7 min. Break in: 10 min. Players : 5
[Oct 7 21:16:54] : Junglecat03 called 12,800
[Oct 7 21:16:54] : Showdown!
[Oct 7 21:16:54] : Seat 7 : Junglecat03 has Ks As
[Oct 7 21:16:56] : Seat 2 : ultzman has Ac Th
[Oct 7 21:16:56] : Seat 7 : Junglecat03 has Ks As
[Oct 7 21:17:05] : Board cards [Td 3c 5c 8h 2d]
[Oct 7 21:17:05] : Seat 2 : ultzman has Ac Th
[Oct 7 21:17:05] : ultzman has Pair: 10s
[Oct 7 21:17:05] : Seat 7 : Junglecat03 has Ks As
[Oct 7 21:17:05] : Junglecat03 has High Card : Ace
[Oct 7 21:17:05] : ultzman wins 33,200 with Pair: 10s
[Oct 7 21:17:07] : Stakes: 600/1,200 Current level: 9 Level up in: 7 min. Break in: 9 min. Players : 5
[Oct 7 21:17:08] : Junglecat03 : dire
[Oct 7 21:17:10] : ultzman : ul
[Oct 7 21:17:14] : Hand is over.
[Oct 7 21:17:14] : Stakes: 600/1,200 Current level: 9 Level up in: 7 min. Break in: 9 min. Players : 5

Oh dear. So as u can see i have 21K and AKs UTG, i riase to 3.2k. Ok now this is a small raise, some would say too small, i'll be out of position after the flop etc etc blah blah blah. I would say FU, this was my standard raise, it was getting me lots of blinds and it would encourage one of the smaller stacks to come over the top with something weaker which was my aim.

Yes if some1 outside of the blinds flat calls il be out of position, but big deal, i wont lose too much if i lose the hand and I will take the motherfukker down if i can anyway.

So toady no 2 comes over the top for what is a large riase. Despite knowing i am probably ahead i even consider folding here as i was having so much fun raping the kipper's blinds.

BUT NO i think. Let's knock one of these brown-nosing little tarts out now and hopefully cut down the GBH of the earhole. SO i call leaving myself 4k ish back.

Toady flips AT, as i suspected im dominating his sorry little pissy hand, but he goes on to hit a T and fuck my stack up supremely. He says "ul" and i go on to point out that in 5$ comps people will play AT like its the fucking nuts and proceed to blow the smoking remnants of my stack with JQ suited v A3 a few hands later eliminated in 5th for 30$.

I dont know what this c*** thought moving in there with AT but anyway having vented much of my wrath I am beginning to relax and enter a more zen-like state of detachment. Onwards and upwards, onto the next.

PL kipper definitions to be continued.

Cat returns to vent his IRE

2005-10-07T02:58:00.000-07:00

Ok so its been a while. I could apologise but this would be incongruent with the rest of the tone of this piece so FU i won't. What i will say is that i've been writing elsewhere recently and now that i am firmly encamped back in the poker scene again it makes sense to resurrect the corpse of my blog and breathe new life into the mofo.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. Today's topic :- bad poker players. I have always tried to espouse the commonly accepted view of good players that bad poker players should be treated with dignity and respect as these jelly-brained suckers provide us with our bread and butter and occasional duck risotto.

Ostensibly, i still retain this charitable view, but after looking deep into my soul i have come to the realization that I actually despise these talentless mutherfukkers witha passion. I can no longer hide from this fact so instead I will embrace it and bare me soul to you.

Of course it's understandable to be disgusted when someone makes a bad play and beats your sorry ass with some lucky suckout. We've all had our Kings cracked by some buttmunch overplaying A rag and launched a tirade at the avatar of the villain, promising death destruction and a lifelong vendetta of violence against the aquatic organism in question and his clsoe family. Who knows, maybe some of you have even come good on your promises and lie languishing in some texan jail on death row, suffering nightly sodomisation by a large hairy redneck, bemoaning the fact that the dealer contrived to fill that herring's gutshot on the river. This behaviour is completely understandable (not the sodomisation) but is not what this article is about.

No, what has brought about this epiphany in me is rather the times where i WIN a pot off some cerebrally-inhibited player after they have made some dire play. Most recently i have been immersing myself in the waters of PL omaha hi lo, after graduating with honours from the 3/6 and 5/10 limit tables on party poker.

Now I'll be the first to admit that at first I took a little time to adjust to the PL game. Limit omaha/8 strategy is basically built around playing a tight range of strong hands and siphoning off the money of the lost souls unfortunate enough to pull up a pugh at the temple of the cat. Yes i owned those tables to the tune of arounf 50$/hr and indeed I will be back, once i have given the fish some time to replenish their depleted funds.

PL on the other hand is a different game. I went in there raw and green, failing to understand the increased importance of positioning and the decreased emphasis on uber strong starting hands and early on could only register a small profit. Being the cat, though, an animal skillfully tempered in the unforgiving furnace of evolution, designed to survive and flourish in a variety of hostile environments, I inevitably adapted and was soon learning some champion moves and rinsing the suckers whose game selection strategy is backward enough to allow them to sit down at my table.

There are a variety of fish who frequent these tables. It would be too time and effort consuming to give a comprehensive list but allow me to jsut run through some of the common types.

No 1 - The underbankrolled fish. Ok so we pull up a pugh sitting at the 50c 1$ PL om/8 table and obviously plonk down the maximum of 100$. I'm not quartering some muppet and then bitching about the fact that i missed out on some of his stack due to sitting down shortstacked. No sirree. So then some mark sits down with 5$. WTF? I mean what does this guy think hes going to do? A few hands later hes done his dough, due to his good hand crashing and burning when unsuprisingly his meagre bet of 3$ on the flop fails to push anyone out. Ok every1 deserves a second chance, perhaps out villain will take this opportunity to either realise he's underbankrolled for this game or cash in at least a respectable amount to give him a chance to do some damage to the bigger stacks. So, does he? Does he fuck. The useless smeghead proceeds to dig a further 5$ out of his pathetic account and set fire to it- again and again and again.

Ok, you useless bag of excrement, u know what? Much as i love releiving you daily of your 20$ as you relentless battle against the odds like some crippled geriatric ant trying to drag a shire horse up a hill, your play, decisions, strategy, and talent (or lack thereof) are so repulsive to me that i am happy to forego your humble offerings, if you would just remove yourself and your enormous backside from a game where your shortcomings are perpetually exposed by myself and anyone else with a modicum of ability. You dont belong here any more than a turd deserves to sit at the centrepiece of the crown jewels. Pls take your bags , your 50$ bankroll and your 10 second delays whilst you determine if this is the hand that is gonna win big and get you a half of a 14$ pot and fuck right off, never to darken my doorstep again, so that some real players can play some poker. Best of luck.

Ok that's enough for now. But don't think you other water-habiting types have escaped my scrutiny and wrath for i shall be coming for you soon. Watch your backs.

Unusual hand - the correct play?

2005-03-02T10:34:00.002-08:00

Final table of the 4K, we are 3 handed. I have about 170K, Chip leader has 280K, shortstack has 72K.

blinds are 4k 8K.

In SB with A9c, CL riases on the button to 25K, he has riased a lot of pots before. I flat call to see the flop. SB now riases a further 40k ish allin. I feel as though he will do this with a long range of hands as he ahs jsut suffered a big loss and may be on tilt.

The Chip leader flat calls 40K raise, now i am pretty sure he isnt a biggish hand as the pot was big enough for him ot be happy moving in with AA KK or QQ. with around 72 x 2 144K and my sb and call of inital raise 4+25 29K in the pot (a total of 173k ish in the pot ) i call the 40K riase leaving myself 100K back and pot is now 210K or so.

Flop comes Kc 4c 7d.

Hmmmmm, this is an interesting one. Nut flush draw, i am pretty happy to see this. I am committed to play here really for the size of the pot.

The question is, do i make a move here? Or try and get it checked down?

I'd be interested to hear any views on how best to play this. I will post what happened and how I played it later.
The question is though, do i bet into the dry pot or not?

Fun at prima

2005-03-02T10:25:00.000-08:00

Often i get into the most interesting conversations at prima.
I enjoyed my debate with this jolly fellow....

Tapping the aquarium by panther.
I call min riase of 30 after limping UTG with A5c. flop is A hi one club i let fish bet into me with little bets till river which pairs the board and protects my kicker. I bet 200 he calls and mucks.

PantherZero, you have 10 seconds to respond
> PantherZero wins 990 with Two Pair, Aces over Sevens
> The tournament is now at level 3. Blinds are now 50.00/100.00
> Game # 264,280,980 starting.dimands1998
> a5 lovely hand
PantherZero> thnx
PantherZero> better than yours?
dimands1998> i muck a5o for 1 chip
> _smalls_, you have 10 seconds to respond
> baddis shows Two Pair, Tens over Threes(10¨10ª3ª3§K§)
> _smalls_ shows a Full House, Tens full of Threes(10¨10ª10©3ª3§)
> _smalls_ wins 2,220 with a Full House, Tens full of Threes
> baddis has left the tournament in 176th place
> Game # 264,282,206 starting.
PantherZero> i usually raise allin
PantherZero> but thought id slow play
dimands1998> nice u fish
PantherZero> fish with chips, anyway its Mr. Fish to you
dimands1998> stfu
PantherZero> sorry for that, i know it is tough playing a gifted feline poker prodigy
dimands1998> u r a moron
PantherZero> ty young kipper, gl
PantherZero> Moral of the story min riase the cat at your peril, many have made this error, PantherZero> pls read sklanksy's book "min riasing for kippers, Chapter 3" otherwise speak to MKKMOO he will fill you in
dimands1998> moron fish
( I am moved tables)
> _smalls_, you have 10 seconds to respond
> You have been moved to a new table to keep all tournament tables balanced.

I felt enriched by our in depth analysis of the game we all love...

PS I will shortly post a hand from the 4K on VC that was most interesting and posed an interesting dilemma......

Cat spotted in Luton

2005-02-17T03:31:00.000-08:00

The poker4charity event in Luton was last weekend and what an enjoyable weekend it was. Plenty of fun, booze and frolics but most importantly large long sessions of poker too!

I went down a day early along with some of the MMM Mob, including JackofClubs(Pete), Steve and his friend, Royal Flush(James) and M3Boy(Paul). We arrived early as we wanted to play in the 100£ Freezeout at the Grosvenor casino on the Friday night. This was the biggest event I had played in live and had the best structure of any tournament I've been in so far. 5K starting chips and a 30 min clock meant there would be some decent play. There were some good Pros playing including the number 1 ranked player in Europe WIllie Tann, and Keith Hawkins, aka the Camel.

We got in registered, and were allocated out seats. AMazingly I had been drawn at the same table as Royal Flush for the third tournament running. Some easy chips i thought to myself as we joked about taking each out. :). The tournament began and early doors I look down and find 74 in the hole in middle ;osition. I tried not to give away a tell, I just hoped that when I leapt to my feet punching the air, shouting hallelujah, people would put this down to early tournamnet nerves. Several people had limped in EP and I decide to flat call and try and make a nice flop with them. The guy to my left calls and its round to Royal FLush in the Big Blind. He raises it to 800. This is a big enough raise to signify he has some sort of hand i feel so i pass along with the early limpers. The man on my left immediately bangs in a 2K raise!

Wow whats going on? I hope Flushie wasn't on the steal here. Flushie has a think about it and reraises allin! OMG! This is a 5K structure blinds still very low and both of them are going for it.
The man calls and they flip em. I see the look of horror on Flushie's face as he flips KK only to see this guy has the rockets, AA.

I prepare to mock Flushie till the flop comes from heaven for him Kxx. AA doesn't improve and FLushie elminates this guy ans is up to 10K in chips. For me I now experience a long run of barren cards. The only half decent hand i see , 99 i have to abandon due to some heavy betting from JJ and AQ and a couple of hours in to the event i am down to 3K in chips. Suddenly the blinds are up to 300/600 and i'm in bother. I have to move soon and UTG I looks down and find 77. Now i know the rest of the table think Im quite tight so i prepare to use this to my advantage as I move allin. I get ready for them all to fall over and fold like dominoes.

"CALL" says the guy UTG+1 as he throws half his stack into the middle.
"CALL" says the guy in Middle Position.
A guy in late posiition thinks about calling too but ultimately passes what he later says is AQ.

(FFS thinks the guy UTG who is in a world of trouble with his 77 here)

I now dream of a 7 flopping.

The Flop comes 7 2 3.

WAHOOOOOOO i flopped the nuts. How nice. They check the flop. Turn is a Q. They check again. River is a 3, giving m a full house. The middle position bets out and EP calls.

Cards on their back. EP flips 88 (PHEW) and MP flips 22 for a flopped set and full house onn river. HE looks pretty happy till i casually flip em and announce 7s full and rake in the main pot. WOHOOOO up to 10K in chips. From here on in again the well is dry for me and apart from one hand of note things were pretty quiet now. Here is the hand.

I get JJ UTG and decide to again make a play for the blinds which are 400/800 by now. I riase to 2.8K, a good 2K raise signifying strength and once again I expect my tight image to work wonders for me again. The CL calls me (DAMN!) and then the guy next to him announces ALLIN and pushes his 10K stack into the middle(WTF).

FFS arent these people paying attnetion! Next time i will arrive wearing a sign round my neck syaing Kinnish. I think about what's going on. The Chip leader has plenty of chips and i dont need to neceesarily put him on a hand, although i have seen him slo play aces once. For some reason I am thinking KQ AQ. The other guy i have only seen pushing premium hands like AA KK QQ allin, and ive seen him limp AQ. This is not much info to go on but I feel that based on the fact that they know theyve gotta have a decent hand to play back at me due to my relative tightness, I have a strong feeling he is a big pair. After some thought i pass JJ leaving myself 7K back.

Something wierd happens now. The Chip Leader thinks about whether to call or not and the guy who is allin announces he is off to the toilet mid hand! He disappears to relieve himself.

Cue kerfuffel at the table.

"What's going on? He can't do that?"
"His cards are dead m8, you win"
"Yeah but didn't the dealer say it was ok?"

(I try and throw my voice)
"Isn't the hand dead and all chips should get returned?"

My inspired suggestion falls by the wayside and the TD is called over to rule in the guys absence. After hearing how the situation transpired at first she announces the cards are dead and the pot goes to the chip leader.

Man returns from his toilet travels and is understandably miffed to find his stack sitting on the CLs pile. He argues with Tourney Director that the dealer had ok'd his trip to the WC. There is some debate and voices are raised. The other tables all rubber neck to get a good look at the argument.

Ultimately the dealer makes the bizarre ruling that the man who moved allin can have back the quantity of chips he raised 7.2K or so and the CL gets the remaining 9.2K pot. This seemed to me to be a most stupid and illogical ruling btu it stood anyway.

The tournament continued and again I was a little coldecked seeing very little i could make a play with. After stealing for four rounds or so jsut to keep msyelf afloat i finally get knocked out moving in UTG(AGAIN) with K5, called in the Bb by J5 who hits a J and knocks me out in 15th. I was fairly pleased with how i played given my barren run of cards and I outlasted a number of Pros and all the other guys i came with (bar steve's friend who made the final table.)

We now proceed to drink large quantities of beer, and after a late night poker session in the hotel, during which time we managed to uspet the hotel staff and some of the guests with our loud antics, we all retired to get a good night's sleep.........

....YEAH RIGHT! Me and Flushie stayed up all night playign Heads up ROE poker and got no kip before the charity event. I'm such an addict.....

I'll do a run down of the charity event in my next pos as my fingers are tired now.

VC 100K grtd

2005-01-16T19:06:00.000-08:00

I spent an enjoyable weekend in leicester, primarily drinking and playing poker with some friends, and met a few people off VC, some of whom i hadn't met before. A great time was had by all, special mention to Pete aka JackOfClubs, who entertained the masses with his drunken antics as usual, and notched up a record number of "falling over " incidents.

After spending the evening and wee hours of the early morning playing out STTS (well done to Leehack for played 2 won 2 record), myself, James (Royal FLush) and Pete (JOC) all retired back to our hotel where Pete crashed out for a well deserved rest and myslef and flushie kicked off a few heads up matches. I didn't manage to improve my recent poor record against flushie heads up live. He is a very observant and calculating player. Whislt i find many players i can slip into autopilot mode during heads up games and quickly home in on their poker weaknesses, whilst playing Royal Flush i need to adapt my game a lot and set him up for plays to get paid off. I still hold the evil eye over him online but have to admit he has been getting the better of me live recently, althought this will change soon fish so watch out!

Anyway after a few hours of play we realised it was about 11 ish and we had to be getting out of the rooms and heading to the station soon, despite having had no sleep! Eventually we crowbarred a slightly mangy and hungover jacko out of his pit and made out way to the station, and i eventually got home to ealing at around 5 or so.

When i got back i thought id have a check of the forums to see if anything interesting had cropped up, and whilst online i had a chat with Leehack who reminded me in no uncertain terms that VC's inaugural 100K grtd tourney was taking place tonight. I was interested to see the standard of play, if it was any better than the usual but I was also feeling pretty rough off the back of a hard nights drinking and poker followed by NO SLEEP, so wasn't too keen on the idea of playing a 15min level blinds tourney with 600+ runners in it. Anyway Lee badgered me a bit till i thought ok, i dont really feel like dipping into 100 of my BR to play a tourney where i stand little chance being in such bad shape, so I'll play a few feeder satellites and see if i can get in on the cheap. I played a few stts but for some reason couldnt seem to hit a thing and before i knew it 3 stts were down and i hadnt even made last 3. I elected to have one more quick shot at a speed tourney satellite and i did, this time winning the tourney, courtesy of a little outdraw against a guy called OUTLAW or something where i riased his blind with J8 and he moved allin and i had the odds to call as he flipped A9 and i outflopped him to win.

So i had done what i set out to do, got myself a cheap entry to the tourney. I elected to not rebuy or addon north star stylee as i was not in peak condition.

The tourney started and i picked up a coupld of smalish pots to give me 2.5K or so. then this hand happened which was a little odd. I am in the small blind and 3 limpers come in and i complete with 94 off.
The flop comes

9 4c 6c

giving mr top and bottom pair but with a potential flush draw out there too. This encourages me to make a decent bet on the flop so i overbet the pot to maybe look like a fl draw, one guy calls. He called quickly as if drawing to something so i pencil him in as a flush draw and decide i will move in on the turn if a blank comes.

The next card out is the

5s

, a useless card to anything but a gutshot draw or 95 or 55 maybe. I move allin, he thinks then calls my allin with 88, so he had picked up a gutshot str8 draw on the turn, but i cannot beleive he called with this hand here. Ok its the rebuy period but it really wasn't a cleverly thought out call. My 94 holds up and im up to 4.6K or so. I then slow down to observe the players a little and i realise the table is stacked with value, and people not playing well. I settle into the game and find a hand or two to lift my chips to 7K. One hand in particular was somewhat fortunate.....

UTG i raise minimum with 86h. A player i know flat calls my min raise and every else passes. Flop comes down 7 5 9 one heart, so i flop the nut str8 with backdoro fk redraw. i bet out abd he he moves all in for anohter 2K or so, i obviously call and he is udnerstandably a little surprised to see the weak holding.........(To be continued............)

The Cat talks poker concepts.

2005-01-14T07:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was quite an amusing day of poker. Overall i had a good day registering 3 final tables. I was slightly disappointed to finish 3rd 4th and 4th after a couple of tired plays( particularly one where i couldnt lay down KK) but it was nonetheless a profitable day and i ended up about 700 $ up.

Two poker concepts reared their heads during this time and I would just like to share this with you to show the complexity of poker.

First off the bat, in two of the competitions i played in i knocked people out playing VERY weak hands. This disturbed them very much and they frothed and wriggled about, spitting insults as they departed the tournaments, both of them insulting my poker, neither understanding why I made the plays i made.

OK firstly, i am in a 25 FO, blinds are 10/20 and i have already doubled my starting stack of 1.5K to 3.2K or so thnx to some1 who could not let go of AK.

I am on the button with

7s 2s

and several people limp in. some1 with about an 1500 stack in middle position makes it 100 to go.

I call.

Now 72 is an absolutely rubbish starting hand, so why did i call?

OK here are my considerations.

1) I am on the button so I have positioning over the table.

2) His raise whilst it is 4x the BB is essentially meaningless to me, it is 1/32 of my stack to call, i would often call such a raise with poor cards in position as I can lay this down very easily without any significant damage to my stack but may jsut flop a monster.

3) being such a crap hand, the deception factor is VERY large. If i flop a big un....

say the flop comes 227 77x 22 x 72x or such

no one will see this coming and i have a good chance or getting paid off. This is the essence of implied odds. I am paying 100 to see a flop where i could win a 3K pot.

Anyway i call and there are 2 or 3 other callers from the limpers, making the pot around 400 or so.

Flop is a true cracker for me as it comes

6s 8s 9c.

Yes somehow i hit an open straight draw and flush draw. I am in the driving seat here.
Barring another better flush draw being out there(or made str8, again unlikely) i am ahead of virtually all hands here. Checked to the raiser who bets out 450, an overbet of the pot, signalling to me he has an overpair, possibly a set.

Now maybe I should move allin here with the best of it, but i elect not to for a couple of reasons. No 1 I feel i have no folding equity. I feel like he will definitely call so all i am doing is moving in with the slight best of it and playing the pot heads up, which is not really what i want.

My draw is so strong I want other people coming into the pot to boost my pot odds and by calling it is much more likley i will engage some other action.

Also I know that whatever card comes on the turn I will still have a strong enough draw to call him if he moves 1K allin on the turn. This is how it works. Assuming he is Qd Qh or something.....

On the flop I am winning the race...

http://twodimes.net/h/?z=711079pokenum -h qh qd - 7s 2s -- 6s 8s 9c
Holdem Hi: 990 enumerated boards containing 8s 6s 9c
cards win %win lose %lose tie %tie EV
Qd Qh 442 44.65 530 53.54 18 1.82 0.456
7s 2s 530 53.54 442 44.65 18 1.82 0.544

It is not a bad move to move allin here as I am winning and may have some folding equity. I didn't tho for the reasons listed above but just called his 450 bet.

There is now 400 + 450 +450 in the pot, a total of 1300.

Let's say no one else calls the bet and the turn is a dud, say the 3d. Here is the new position.

http://twodimes.net/h/?z=711081pokenum -h qh qd - 7s 2s -- 6s 8s 9c 3d
Holdem Hi: 44 enumerated boards containing 8s 6s 9c 3d
cards win %win lose %lose tie %tie EV
Qd Qh 29 65.91 15 34.09 0 0.00 0.659
7s 2s 15 34.09 29 65.91 0 0.00 0.341

he is limited to betting 1K into the pot, if i call i still have 1750 and i will be paying 1K to win a
1K +1K +1.3K pot, a 3.3K pot. So I can call his allin even if a dud flops on the turn.

SOOO back to the pot. I call. Turn is the 5c, hooray, ive made my str8 with fl redraws.

He moves allin as expected, I call. He turns QQ , no spades (oops did i give that away).
He draws dead on the river and launches a tirade of abuse at me as follows :) (ladies close your eyes)

"How can u play that shit, you won't get any f***g where playing that crap, good luck playing your trash hands you f****g piece of s***t"

LOL i think he loved me really.

"Good luck misplaying your big pairs" I counter jovially which sends him into another asterisk camoflaged outburst.

"F****g disgrace how can I lose? what a f***ing joke. You know nothing about poker u f***g retard noob"

"I know a str8 beats a pair!" - he gave me some more shit and trailed me round a little bit before departing.

This is the key concept he didn'trealise though.

He raised so little preflop that he let me and others in with weaker hands that he was going ot have trouble getting away from if we hit an that is what happened. Barring 100 of his stack he got his money in with the worst of it. Off that flop having raised so little preflop he shouldve been worried that a suited connector or something had hit that dangerous flop. Instead he fired with both barrels even when he may have been drawing dead on the turn.

I've banged on a bit for now, but i will come to part 2 later.

Pot Limit Omaha - CRAZZY

2005-01-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

It's funny, i have had some of my msot profitable cash sessions from PLO and register a good hourly rate of 35$ from primarily 0.5/1 and 1/2 PLO. However I can't play it for too long as it drives me insane!!!!!!!

The best games are the loosest ones - i see approx 60% of flops in these games and feel my post flop play is pretty good and enables me to win some big pots when im in gear. However with multiple people seeing flops it tends to result in some extreme variance. I guess if I was a more seasoned player I could take these swings more easily but it just drives me mad sometimes! I am aware I should put a shackle on these feelings and lock them away in some untouched dusty corner of my brain (Jesus there's enough space!) but it is the one game where I can't seem to suffer bad beats as easily.

Most recently i took a beat off a player when i flopped the top set and nut fl draw with

KKAJs

off a

K 7s8s flop

and the pot swelled into a bigun as the other player drew to their gutshot

(they had called my preflop raise with 22 9J)

and had the gall to hit it! The logical part of my brain is cheering as I applaud these fish chasing their -EV longshots but the emotional side of my brain was just crying and i got so emotionally involved with this one particular hand that i forced myslef to take a small break from poker jsut to clear my brain.

I have tho, had some goood sessions recently, registering about a 1.3K profit from the games in the last 5 days so I will return, maybe having had a few more weetabix.

Tilt Factor

2004-12-17T07:30:00.000-08:00

I rarely tilt. I like to think I have a fair bit of self control while playing poker and bad beats rarely get to me. Yesterday was the exception!

I was playing a 12$ and 50$ FO at VC. I played pretty well to make the final table on both but lost a couple of coin tosses in both to finish 5th and 9th. In itself this wasn't so bad, but I had had a few drinks and have also had a couple of things happen in my personal life recently( damn girls) which have messed up my judgement a little.

Anyway, I went and sat down at a PL hi lo omaha table(just 0.5$/1$). Now this isn't really my game, i am more used to limit omaha hi lo but i can still play the game. I was going ok for a while while the table was four handed and built up to about 170 or so from my initial 100 but then i got a bit of an outdraw where i held the nut low, str8 and nut flush draw with

As 2s 5 x on a 3 4s 9s board

- really a monster hand. Some1 bet i reraised and they went allin for their last 40. they had something in the order of A3 78 and hit a T and a J on the river with no spades to scoop the pot. I was a little annoyed at this to see my profit disappear in this hand and was even more annoyed when they upped sticks and left the table!!!!!! HOW DARE THEY!!!!

ANyway the play soon reverted to heads up and I was left with one of the better players at the table. He was quite aggressive so we got into a bit of a raising war. Eventually we went to war on this hand. he riases i reraise with A 5 5 2. Flop comes 5 6 T. I bet pot, he reraised me and i went allin making it 100 he calles with A 79 J. He is drawing very thin here. He can hit an 8 to fill his str8 draw, but this gives me the nut low to halve, with redraws to a full house for hi to scoop. His lows involve him counterfeiting my 2 but he still will only halve to my high. Sadly the poker gods were not with me and he hit a runner runner Q K to take down the pot with a str8.

I must admit i lost it a bit here, started playign angry and proceeded to blow another 200 to him in a short space of time. He must've been loving it. Eventually i clawed a little back and left the table around 230 or so down. Hardly the biggest hit, but i was still very annoyed at myself for losing self control.

SO just to reiterate some words of wisdom(for my own benefit as much as anything else!)

1) Dont play drunk.
2) Dont play games you aren't familiar with if you can avoid it(except when you are intentionally learning the game)
3) Women troubles and poker don't mix!
4) When you start getting angry, stop playing and go kill some cops in GTA San Andreas.
5) Never EVER eat the reduced price cheese sandwiches from corner shops(not strictly relevant but true nonetheless......)

Close thing in the 100K

2004-12-04T16:45:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've not been playing great recently. A lot of the fizz seems to have gone out of my game and I think I may need a break very soon.

I did win a 3.5K grtd tourney on bet365 the other day and ive had a fairly profitable time playing small tourneys and stud cash games(I'm gradually improving!) but really i am lacking a little confidence when it comes down to any decent stake tourneys(as I know I have to produce my A game to counter good play going on round me)

Anyway, I was registered for the 100K tourney on bet365 today having earlier won a seat in a 10$ sat. This is a 100$ freezeout tourney. The structure is nice with 3K in starting chips, 10/20 blinds to kick off and 12 min levels not too bad, though i would prefer 15 or 20 but the ******s never asked me. Normally there is a field of 550-600 in the tourney (nice added 40-45K!) although for some bizarre reason 850 people turned up today reducing the value and increasing the field dammit lol!

My usual strategy in this tournament is to play position and implied odds early on, whilst playing good hands very aggressively as there are still a number of weak players who have got in through satellites(like me!) Today i struggled badly early on though. First up, i am on the button with 7s 5s. I like this hand in position, so after 3 people limp i make it 200 to go. one guy calls from MP. Flop is a rainbow K 7 3 with one spade. He checks to me very quickly, i am a little suspicious of this, feeling he is either very scared or very confident. I bet 2/3 the pot as a feeler, he calls.....hmmmmm. Now I am fairly sure i am behind but not quite sure what to. I make him one of three things....King poor kicker, set of 3s or less likely 7s, or pocket pair below kings.

Turn is Js, this is a good card for me, increasing my outs but unfortunately he bets 2x the pot. I can't call him, I am sure he is a set or two pair and i fold as he shows KJ. I now begin a long wait where i am bet out of pots in position and fail to see any decent cards. A mini disaster with JJ where a raise from me was reraised twice and i folded (AK and KK were out) meant my stack had dwindled down to 1.4K and i was looking like an early bath if I didn't get my act together.
There's about 600 people still remaining at this stage.

Anyway I wait patiently for an opportunity and I eventually find bullets on my BB. The table has been fairly aggressive so I am sure i will see a little action. Unfortunately every1 had their x-ray specs on and folded to me in the BB so i sigh as the puny pot heads my way. This is not gonna be my day.

I battle on, average stack close to 4K now blinds up to 75/150 i am in trouble with 1.4K. I find AQ and decide i need to move on this. 2 limpers i raise allin, some1 calls with K4 suited or something and i luckily hit an ace so am back to over 3K. The tourney progresses and im seeing nothing, every time i raise, some1 is over the top of me and i can't call. This is painful!

450 left and i have 2K ish, I get KK UTG. I elect to limp, feelin someone will riase and indeed they do, I reraise allin and get 2 callers. AT and AQ. This is good news and no ace is forthcoming, woohoooo up to 6.5K back in it at above average stack.

Again things run quite slowly though, i steal a couple of pots to maintain parity but no good situations arise for me and i reach 200 left with jsut over 7.5k, quite below average but still enough to survive a while longer. Then i get a break. I limp 88 in EP, and some1 raises to 800, there are 3 callers and i call with a view to try and make a set. The flop is a helpful 8 K 4 with 2 clubs on it. I bet out the pot and some1 reraises allin. I am slightly fearful of KK but call anyways, and they show AJc. The turn is a club and i pack my bags ready to go get pissed, but the river loves me and dishes out another K filling me up and netting me a sweet 18K pot. Now we're cooking!

I win a few more pots against smaller stacks and with 100 left i find myself with 30K, in the top 25. Top 70 paid, it's looking good for at least a payday. I decide to pick up my bullying, feeling my raises are respected now so i do just that. I get lucky one time with AT where i raised 6K from the button(blinds 400/800) and the sb went allin for 8K with QQ. I spike an ace and cop some chips and some abuse. I dont mind being called a twat for 16K in chips!

I reach the $ threshold in the top 20 with about 40K in chips. Now i get AKc in LP, 3 limpers, i have them all covered. I raise allin. the biggest limper with about 30K calls which i am not happy about but he shows Ah9h. Good man! He misses his flush and 9s and i scoop in another big pot to propel me into the top 10. At last I'm starting to feel a little confident.

30 ish left now. My table has gone crazy now though - we have ultra aggressive players with large stacks all over the place and i decide to crawl into my shell for a bit and wiat for a big gun to tkae em on. No big guns come along though and i reach the last 20 with approx 60K. Blinds are now 4K/8K so im in a spot of trouble and only about 12th or so in chips. A bad hand happens now. I get QQ UTG and make it 20K to go. One guy reraises. I am happy to take this guy on as he has been playing pretty poor hands and getting lucky, but when the rock on the button moves allin for 150K i know i am surely behind. I lay the Queens down after some thought and the reraiser calls. He is KsJs versus the rock's Aces! AMazingly the flop comes with spades in spades(hoho) and the maniac scoops up a nice pot. Funnily enough i wouldve hit a queen so im pretty glad i didnt have to suffer this heartache.

15 left i am hit hard with a big blind and sb which i cant play and my stack has dwindled to 27K less than 2 BBs, as they are now 10K 20K. It was a bit of a mistake letting it get to this stage and i realise i shouldve made a move earlier. Anyway 11 left I am 11/11 with my pitiful stack. UTG i find 7c8c and know i have to go allin so i do. The table all pass to the BB who also passes my 7K riase even though he has 200K. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Man i felt happy. I show the rail birds my hand and they have a good old chuckle. Straight after this hand some1 is eliminated so i luckily dodge the BB as I am transported to the final table with 57K. Hooray!

The final table was short and not so sweet for me. First hand I find QQ. The chip daddy raises to 50K i am allin and he flips Kj off. Flop is heartbreaking as it comes Q A T and when the board fails to improve for me i am elminated in 10th spot for $1,200. No shot at the 25K first prize today but it was an enjoyable tournament and i had a good laugh with some of the guys, as well as playing some good poker i feel at times.

It was definitely a shot in the arm for me. Maybe i don't need that break JUST yet.......

Party - leave your thinking boots at home

2004-12-03T06:42:00.000-08:00

I have commented on the poor standard of play at party before. This is a hand I recently played in a 50$ multitable there.

Early doors I have my initial 1K and find AQs in the BB, feeling like I can use this hand to make some chips but ready to throw it if the action is a bit too busy.

This doesn't happen, every1 folds around to the sb, who limps in to the 20 blinds. I riase it up to 200 fully expecting him to fold. Instead he re-raises allin, which would leave me a mer 150 chips. Damn, i really didn't want to be in this situation.

I try and reason through what he could have to have played the hand like this. A monster? I dont think so. I have already seen him bluff at a pot of 100 for 200 chips , then fold to another 200 reraise so I have little faith in his poker credentials on this evidence.

In addition he reraised without a thought, I think KK or AA or to a lesser extent QQ would go for a little acting here, a bit of a pause to try and engage a call. I'm happy i now have the odds to play a coin flip so I'm ok (although admittedly not crazy about) playing against a small pocket pair especially as the non-existent action preflop suggests few if any people had any aces (They usually limp or riase with any ace at party) As a result my AQ may even be a favourite over a pocket pair due to the deck being rich in aces.

OK so this leaves AK as my major threat. Limp reraise definitely a possibilty and not a bad way to play it heads up. I think and think, even throw a little question at him but by now i'm being beeped at and asked to respond. I decide all things considered to take the risk and call him based on the little i know about his play.

He flips A4 off. I'm very happy about this obviously, if a tad surprised!

OK so i get stuffed on a 235 flop but ill take these match ups all day. What made me laugh was all the thought I put into my decision, only for him to flip this piece of crap hand lol.

Why did I bother?

Next time my reasoning at party will be something like.....Do i have a premium hand? If so call, I'm almost certainly ahead.

Keeping myself busy

2004-12-01T06:09:00.000-08:00

While I'm in a game online, I often have one eye on the game and another busy doing something else. Most recently two things have occupied my time. Firstly Grand Theft Auto San Andreas was released for the playstation 2. I'm a bit of a kid when it comes to computer games, simply put I LOVE EM!

I was a big fan of the two previous GTA games so as soon as this one was released i snapped it up. I have just completed the game (Big Smoke you traitor!!!!) and have to say it is one of the best games i've ever played. Great graphics, cool cars, excellent music, violence, blood, prostitutes, girlfriends, casinos, guns, chainsaws, choppers, jets, and a great plot involving no less than samuel l jackson and james woods in the cast. With Axel Rose, the guns n roses frontman and GeorgeClinton the master of funk also making cameo appearances, GTASA is surely the most inclusive genre breaking game ever to be released. Can't really fault it.

The second thing to particularly occupy my time recently is the new Squire Strat electric guitar i have jsut purchased. I've been learning the guitar for about a year so far, still not very good but I'm having a lot of fun with my first electric guitar. My neighbours may say different when I'm banging out She's Electric at 3 in the morning though!!!!!

I'd be interested to hear what sort of shenanigans other people get up to whilst they play.

Signing off.......

The Best Site to Play at

2004-11-30T01:23:00.000-08:00

This is my first blog and jsut a few thoughts on the best sites around.

When I first started playing, I would only ever play at Victor Chandler/ Golden Palace. After a while I gave a couple of other sites a go, notably ladbrokes and pokerstars. PS didn't accept switch which was a bit of a problem for me so as soon as I won a decent amount there i requested a cheque, emptied my balance and left. Ladbrokes just disgusted me in terms of how it looked. It made me physically sick.

So i stuck with VC and learnt how to play at the early levels there. I still think this is a pretty good site to play on, barring disconnection problems which for now seem to have abated(breath held) The graphics agree with me, the betting system is one of the best around in my opinion, screw slidey bars. The standard of play is fairly poor although it has improved dramatically since i first started there. The main problem that I have with it are the short level lengths and the proliferation of rebuys. Rebuy tourneys are obviously good value with lots of people rebuying incessantly, but i just don't enjoy them as much as freezeouts. It's for these two reasons I mainly started looking elsewhere.

Bet365 appealed to me as they have a wide range of freezeouts, some excellent value and above all 12 min levels are the norm. I would prefer 15 -20 min levels but 12 is a massive improvement on 8 mins. They have 25$ freezeouts for 7.5K grtd. This would need 300 runners to reach the grtd amount but rarely gets above 200-220. so 2-2.5K added on, great value.

Another aspect of the site that appeals to me is that you get to play flops!! At VC very often i find tournaments are a case of having to call with small to large preflop edges and hope these hold up. This is down to the abundance of people willing to push allin with any pair or a couple of broadway cards. Sometimes rag aces will do. Now in a way this makes poker a fairly easy game. You simply call when you have the best of it and it all works out in the long run. I like the process of garnering information via the flop and action though. This is part of poker and at bet365 people seem to have a higher regard for their stack and you get less reckless abandon, more intelligent and for me stimulating play.

OK, now for Corals.

Corals is quite simply the easiest poker i have played on the net. The standard is SHOCKINGLY bad so much so that it makes the 1$ tourneys on VC look like the final table of the WSOP.
I like to play 7 stud /8 cash tables up to 3/6(the highest ive played at so far), Omaha/8 limit, omaha PL(uber loose), the 30 and 50$ multitable S nGs and some NL cash.

The Multitables are quite good as they have a 10 min clock. This isn't massively long and u only get 1K starting chips but once u adjust to the 1K, the 10 mins is fine for a 2/3 table SnG and it never really feels like a crap shoot. The standard Sngs are 10 HAND levels which is a bit odd and does make it a crapshoot toward the end, esp at 30 and below where you get a mere 800 chips.

I've even won some at FL holdem here and i have very little idea how to play this. If you want to make a profit online i highly reccomend corals/party. Before you play here grow a thick skin though as you will doubtless see lots of abuse, often quite comical.

Last word is on paradise. I like the site, good graphics and range of tourneys. I'm not a fan of the way antes are introduced into the later hands of the big tourneys as this does seem to degenerate into an allin-fest but overall they offer some good omaha and NL freezeout and rebuy tourneys.

Another plus is a game called crazy pineapple which is a variant of holdem in which u get dealt three cards and must discard one on the flop. This is an interesting game leading to some good tactical decisions. Anyway that's enough for now, Ill be posting more stuff soon.

Good luck people.