Sunday, April 04, 2010

Irish Open + Scoop + Summer Plans

Ok three topics to cover in this post.

Luck of the Irish

Number one I am currently sweating my girlfriend Jen Mason - or Jenny Mason as she has been referred to in her recent press appearances - in the Irish Open where she has an average stack with about 70 left.

Jen is a great player when she's on her game and her performances in Ireland have always been exceptional. She took down the Green Poker Joker tournament there a few years ago and she is something of an iconic figure in the emerald isle, attracting rail birds and interest wherever she travels over there.

In fact, in Vegas last year, I left a club one time with her, only to be accosted by a group of drunk Irish guys who immediately began chanting "JEN MASON...JEN MASON...JEN MASON" as we stumbled out of "Rain"(I think?) at the palms casino.

So surreal and yet hilarious!

Anyway she has a deseved shot at the €600k first prize in the Irish Open so COME ON JEN SHIPPPPPP ITTTT.

Update will come later.


We're almost at the time for the SCOOP. It's no great secret that my relatively small sample of tournaments on STARS has me as a net loser as per sharkscope but this is something I intend to rectify during the SCOOP.

My roll currently won't let me play any high stakes poker tournaments if I am to maintain my rigid, prudent - some would say "NIT-LIKE" - bankroll management. Lol

If I can ship a scoop though....and to be honest I am in good form and fancy my chances then maybe you'll see me in a few WSOP events in the summer.

Which brings me to my next point.


As per last year PokerListings have offered me the opportunity to work at the WSOP over the summer and although I hate missing english summers as it is the only time of year when the english weather is probably the best in the world - I just can't miss Vegas.

I was talking about it with Flushy recently and jsut mentioning all the great places to eat had my mouth watering. Vegas is great and the PokerListings pad should be in full effect again - so we'll have another great party or two there I'm sure.

Right before the summer, I'll also be covering EPT Monte Carlo for PL which will be exciting I'm sure. Monte Carlo's such a wierd place - so much money, every car is a super car. I think some people would be super impressed by all the exuberance and wealth on show. Personally I always think it's all a bit vulgar when people are having dick waving contests with their wallets - but for me the tournament, the great players and the drama of the event will be the big pull in Monte Carlo - not the big bucks.

Anyway that's it for now. Seeya soon kippers.

Fit or Fold

The latest installment of my incredible [ ] bi-monthly blog is here.

I guess at least I'm managing one a month which is somewhat consistant. There is some news to relate though so here's a quick re-cap of how things have been shaping up in catworld.

1. Trying to get fit. Yes, don't want to fall down the classic poker player route of just turning into some obese vegetable ekeing out a living whilst ordering chips and burgers from casino staff.

Instead I have implemented a new health regime that sees me attending the gym 3 times or more a week, eating fresh fruit and veg daily and cutting down on fat in my diet. I'll probably do a blog on how this is going in more depth at some point.

Slightly fell off the wagon in the last few days by going on the piss 3 days running and ploughing through 2 kebabs last night, but that was a somewhat unavoidable situation.

Normal service should be resumed shortly. Current weight = 13st 4lbs...aim to be down to 12.5 by the summer. Oh and I've given up smoking too. which is obviously tough but it feels great to have done so after 17 years of the filthy habit. Hooray!

2. A torrid period of tournaments where i was break even for a while on ipoker ended with a tourney win. Only a relatively smallish 7r comp but ship it nonetheless. Plus, being ipoker I get a virtual trophy and I f***ing love these things.

Here it is in all its glory. Brag post obv.

Much appreciated as I was starting to feel like I'd forgotten how to play on ipoker.

Fugu has gone well too and I've had a few decent results on there too.

Recently Fugu has changed name too-not sure the exact reasons for this - ie whether they have been bought up by a diff company or something but they are now known as "juicy stakes poker" - a pretty comical name underlined by the icon of the site being a spade that looks like a rib-eye steak.

I like their style tbh.

Anyway that's enough for now. I have a few more things to talk about but I'll leave them for the next post.

Laterz bitches. Here's my sharkscope complete with updated results. Still a pokerstars legend as you can see.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

[ ] Bi weekly. Lazy Cat.

Yes, laughably i have failed once again to keep my blog regular. I just seem to get distracted so easily by the various other things in life I enjoy - mainly drinking, pokering and eating.

Anyway, here's a quick recap of what I've been up to poker-wise and otherwise.

I'm back in Brighton and enjoying escaping from London once again. I'm currently staying with James Dempsey aka Flushy aka Super Moeron.

I shared a flat with Flushy for a couple a years a few years ago and he hasn't really changed much. He still sucks at the pokerz although occasionally he binks some massive result to get him out of it.

Last year his winning year was almost entirely down to the SCOOP series on Pokerstars. During the series he put together an impressive three final table appearances, including a second place in the Main Event, good for about 200k or so. MBN...

There was some kind of snazzy watch for first though, so it's always fun to semi-mock Flushy by asking him the time before interrupting with mock realisation "Oh, sorry of course, you don't know. You haven't got a watch."

Never miss an opportunity to mock flushy.

He cleaned up nearly $300k in the series as a whole, pretty impressive, although when you consider the 200k or something he was up for the year was almost entirely down to one result, it gives you some idea of the variance involved in tournament poker.

One or two big results over the course of thousands of tournaments can make or break a poker player's year. One big flip here or there can mean the difference between a break even or a $200k+ year which is why playing poker is clearly a game of skill.


Anyway the SCOOP is coming round again so I'll be taking my shot at collecting a watch and binking a fortune myself. I've had a couple of results in recent times on fugu - cake poker network which has raised my confidence somewhat with 2nd in the $10k grtd $10r and 1st in the $7.5k $5r in consecutive nights, good for $1.9k and $1.7k respectively.

Let's get binking people!

Here's the updated sharkscope.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Blogger's Tournament

I may as well take advantage of the PokerStars' bloggers tournament that is going on, so a quick reminder here that I will keep you abreast of my progress throughout any tournaments I play.

In fact, I will try hard to keep at least a bi-weekly summing up of my progress in poker on all fronts, so keep 'em peeled for the latest and greatest information with all the highs and lows, - the wins and the losses of my bumpy poker career.

A little plug to PokerStars for running what should be a pretty exciting championship, here it is.

Online Poker

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker! The WBCOOP is a free online Poker tournament open to all Bloggers, so register on WBCOOP to play.

Registration code: 908021

Good luck to all playing in the competition! Let's win the lot...

A New Year!

One year older, I find myself here in 2010 wondering where all the hoverboards and flying cars are.

It seems Back To The Future lied to us, but no bother as nonetheless there are plenty of exciting developments on the horizon for poker and also hopefully myself.

I've never been one to plan anything too successfully: much of my life has been a hazy stumbling back and forth between one interest and another and 2010 will doubtless be no different but there are a few things that are likely to be going on.

Number one, I will be moving back to Brighton, having resided in Hampstead, West London for the last six months since returning from my summer sojourn to Vegas.

Hampstead has its charms, but is perhaps a lilttle too sedate for my tastes and I have missed the hustle, bustle and vibrant environ that Brighton's eclectic community provides.

I will definitely miss the company of Dana, Jen and Snoopy, my housemates for the last six months. We have spent many fun times together over the last few years and I'm sure I'll be seeing plenty of them over the next year but I have enjoyed having them as housemates and it will be sad to leave them behind.

By the end of January I should be in the thick of things again down in Brighton so watch out kippers because I am returning shortly!

Come June, I expect I will probably be covering the World Series again with PokerListings. This has yet to be confirmed of course and you can never take anything for granted but it would be good to spend my third summer in a row at the WSOP mingling with the greats of poker (and the group of reprobates who I have got to know well over the last few years: PokerListings' cerebral member Owen Laukkanen, the bald, tubby, pugnacious and amusing Marty Derbyshire, cool as a cucumber Matt Showell, surfer boy Arthur Crowson and perhaps Ed "The King" Sevillano - depending on his plans - my Canadian colleagues and friends( apart from Ed who's a yank, but the good kind ;))

Last year PokerListings rented out a huge house with a cracking backgarden complete with swimming pool, inbuilt trampoline and basketball court.

The basketball court was particularly popular, sadly being a shortarse and more familiar with rugby and football, I took daily beatings at the game from the PL team but I started improving toward the end and I want revenge this year!

Here's a picture of the house...

I also want to replicate the success one of my articles had. It was the first time I had written something on the net that complete random people came up to me and congratulated me on so a quick plug for the Cristal Balla story - feel free to comment on the story btw as the more comments I get, the more I can give my colleague Marty Derbyshire the rubdown as we have a comment war going on.

It seems petty but you really can support the UK by leaving a comment on the article lol. Let's beat those Canucks!

The Cristal Balla

So that should be June to August sewn up.

Other than that I intend to grind poker hard, make some effort to do more creative pursuits as well - I have a few ideas lined up and of course hunt down and suck up every bit of kipper equity I can.

Anyway poker-wise I feel I am playing pretty well and due a decent result soon, but it would be remiss of me as a blogger not to complain about the bad beats a little, so I just wanted to say PLEASE CAN I RUN BETTER!

Nonetheless to spur me on and remind me things aren't terrible, here is a little brag post showing my form on sharkscope as a little inspiration to me to play more (and play better on PokerStars where I suck.)

Good luck and best wishes to all for the new year.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Blonde in Trouble?

Well the answer to this is a resounding yes, and I am truly sad about this.

For months Blonde have struggled with finances. The margins for profit have always been relatively small and given a relentless period of financial difficulty it was inevitable something would snap sooner or later.

Well it just did and sadly Snoopy and Homer were the two men who felt the axe, both fired - or to use the ever-too-popular euphemism that has been floating around - "temporarily removed from their positions."

I feel bad for both of them.

Homer has managed the updates for the last year and a half to two years and it hasn't been the easiest of jobs but he has acquitted himself well and has certainly given a lot to blonde.

It was even harsher on Snoopy though. Snoopy was a crucial limb of blonde, and losing him cripples the site in a multitude of ways.

I always considered the foundation of blonde to be Tikay, Jen and Snoopy. Jen has continued to do updates over the last few years but her presence on the site has become much reduced, perhaps as she felt frustrated at not having her suggestions for bringing the site forward taken seriously.

That is a shame as apart from being an articulate and interesting writer, Jen's a very intelligent girl and when she has a suggestion, it is usually well thought out and meriting careful consideration.

With Jen moving to the background, that left Tikay and Snoops as the primary figureheads at blonde.

Tikay has and always will be an inspiration for me. He is no spring chicken (to say the fucking least!) but he retains an incredible enthusiasm for poker and has so many fingers in pies it is no suprise he allegedly only types with the one that isn't inserted into a pastry-coated treat of one kind or another.

Despite his mono-digital handicap, he still churns out his diary on blonde, plays poker regularly and works virtually full time as a presenter on sky.

I truly hope to have Tikay's boundless energy when I reach his age sometime in the 22nd century.

However I do think that his increased involvement with Sky did remove his ability to be as involved in blonde, both practically and emotionally. I know he's still very fond of the place but his jam-packed schedule means there are plenty of times when blonde is forced to take a backseat to his other interests and concerns.

This is not a criticism of Tikay - but I think it illustrates the increased importance on the work Snoopy does - or did - for blonde.

With Snoopy gone, blonde is now little more than a forum. A great forum sure, with lots of interesting characters and good information, but there are hundreds of similar forums out there. Maybe few have the close-knit community and good feeling that you see on blonde, but if blonde had any intentions of ever making money to being more than a forum then Snoopy was a vital necessity.

With him gone, I can't see this ever happening now.

He's a world-class poker journalist and a massive asset to blonde. He's shown great loyalty and ploughed his entire life into blonde for the last 4-5 years. It has been suggested by Tikay that Snoopy's work has little direct-revenue generating ability.

To me that was a massive wow as I was surprised that someone as astute as Tikay wouldn't realise that the opposite is true.

Snoopy's vast content, both in the form of the masses of news articles he writes, regularly updated results service and of course blondepedia are exactly the type of excellent content that all the successful sites I am familiar with strive to achieve.

There's no doubt Snoopy has raised blonde's reputation enormously in the poker world and that opens up superb opportunities for making money. If you want to be a successful business though, you simply have to grasp those opportunities, even if it means compromising on certain areas.

This is all a little vague and I will expand on this at a later date.

The card-room has been brilliantly promoted by Kev but the fact that it is only just better than break-even shows how difficult a job he has. I think without Kev it would be doing worse though. He's another incredible character...always quick with the funnies but not averse to rolling up his sleeves and applying some elbow grease to tricky situations.

I was always told not to trust someone who can't look you straight in the eye, but with Kev I make an exception.

Ok, there's hundreds of points I could touch on and go into in more depth about blonde and I'm sure I will at some point but for now this is just a random out-pouring of my thoughts.

Next up, EPT Deauville!

The Cat Strikes Back!

This isn't the first time this blog has witnessed my departure and belated lazarus-esque return from the dead, but this time I am very keen to make it a more regular affair - so no excuses if I disappear into the thin stuff again.

I've got quite a few things to talk about, namely the recent Deauville EPT, my goals for the year ahead and perhaps most significantly the departure of Chris "Homer" Hall and Adam "Snoopy" Goulding from blonde.

There's stories aplenty out there at the mo and my take on things will be coming up shortly!

Monday, June 18, 2007

My New African Pen Pal - part 5

Ah, he's no fun anymore. Just trying to get me to call some premium rate number probably charged at £27 a minute. I think he may be on to me. I think this may be his last message.....boooooooooo Sad

>Dear One,
> Thanks for email response todat but please i

do not want to start saying this again please

call me let me know that you are very serious in

your word . Not serious?Huh? Is he for real.
> this is my number if you do not call this

number 0022508391531 then i know that you are

joking ok.
> From David Jacob

Ok, we're losing him. One last plea for help from me and this may be it. Maybe he's a rap fan?

Please, please help me!

Why would you think I am joking?Huh? I only want to help if I can, but I am in big trouble and need your help. Please help me!

I called your number but just got a recorded message saying,

"All of our operators are currently busy. Please bear with us, your call is important to us. If you have called regarding a percentage of a large inheritance, please press 1. If you have called to leave your bank details and personal information, please press 2. If you have called to arrange a meeting with one of our operators and would like reassurance you will not be frog marched to the nearest cash point machine, cleaned out, shot and dumped in the nearest river, please press 3. If you would like to
simply leave a message, wait for the beep and leave your bank details, mother's maiden name, religion, address and contact number after the tone so one of our Ree Poff Merchants can get back to your shortly. BEEEEEEEEEP. "

After being released from the station the other day I spent an unhappy night back at the flat in the spare room, wondering if at any moment my husband would come in and exact revenge for Jim's death. In the morning the police arrived to take me away. As the sirens got closer I heard some shuffling coming from the flat above where the Dre's live and some frantic voices...

... "Snoop hide the ganj man, it's the fecking POLIS bruv!"

...."I'm on it Dre. Put the damn A-K away, shove it in the bidet, no way we're gonna pay...."

Six burly officers dragged me off as my husband stood at the door, laughing and shouting, "you're going down for this you butchering bitch!"

Back at the station I was tied to a chair and a bright light was shone in my face. Two policemen known to me only as DC Goode and DC Badd questioned me. Badde looked at me menacingly, his top button undone, tie hanging loose and sleeves
rolled up. Sweat beaded his brow as he yelled in my face....

"This is it Staker. Those geeks in forensics have come back and your filthy prints are all over the joint..on the knife, the bird, all over the flat. You're bang to rights and going down hard. Ten years minimum in maximum security. You know what they do to bird killers in jail? You hear about the case of the "canary curtailer"? 2 years into her sentence they found her impaled on a broom with jsut the brush poking out of her mouth. Officially it was a cleaning accident but we know better. I won't even get into the story of the "sparrow slayer". Let's just say chrome chairs make a pretty painful suppository. Word is, they've already got plans for the "pigeon plugger". You're on the edge and one shove from us, it'll be sianara. It's time to play ball and
give us something you avian assassin! "

"Take it easy Badd. Come on Staker, we can help you. You want a cigarette? Here take one..." [he lit it for me and i took a drag]

Suddenly, Badd snatched it out of my mouth mid drag and stubbed it out on my hand....


"Enough bullshit. You know the family who live above you, the Dre's. Respectable family, dad's a doctor but word is they're moving more chronic than downtown LA. Give him up to us and we'll see what we can do. We've spoken to the canadian
muppet at no 6, u know him?"

"Mr Snow."

"Yeah, we know he knows something. We leaned hard on that fool but he just spouts out some incomprehensible crap about "icky boom boom down" then shuts up. He won't talk. Snow won't turn informer."

"What about the two girls in no 4. Maybe they know something. Both called Emma I think...."

"Em and Em? Nah, they might know something but Dre helped them out a while ago and they're not talkin'"

"give it up or face the consequences Staker. Don't make us throw you to the wolves!"

This went on for another four hours. I told them all I know but it's not enough. I'm for it. I implore you, please help me.

I don't know what to do!

Yours soon-to-be-convictedly,

Penelope Staker

Saturday, June 16, 2007

My African Pen Pal- Part 4

No reply as of yet. Boooooo. I will attempt to coax him out of hiding by telling him the sad tale of Penelope Staker's misdemeanours.....

My dearest David,

I write to you with a heavy heart, tears in my eyes and asda supersaver mascara staining my cheeks.
I'm sorry to confide in you, but I don't know who else to tell...

Tonight a terrible tragedy happened...

I was cleaning the house when I found something under the bed which shook my world to its very foundations. Secreted away under our marital bed, I found a suitcase containing a hawaiian shirt, a ticket to honolulu airport, a small bird cage large enough for a pigeon and a tub of vaseline.

There can be no doubt...Peter, my husband, was clearly planning to elope with Speckled Jim! I suppose the clues have always been there...the loving way he kisses him good night on the beak, the speckled feathers I often find in his boxer shorts and perhaps his insistence on playing the birdy song and forceful suggestions I dress up as Big Bird off Sesame Street while we make love should have rung more bells. God, I've been so blind, so blind and stupid!

I felt numb at this discovery and found myself fetching a kitchen knife and approaching the cage of my new found love rival. Strangely I found Jim backed up against the cage, seemingly pressing his rear end against the wall.

What I did next I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I grabbed Jim, one slice, one drawn out squawk and a flutter of speckly feathers later and Jim 's head was in my hands, his body a crumpled heap in the cage. I had killed him and sent him off to meet all the other peckers in the great pigeon race in the sky. Damn Kershaw and their razor sharp range of kitchen knives!

I didn't know what to do so just sat crying. When Peter came home he found Jim and despite an attempt to resuscitate him using sellotape to reattach his head and pushing his little claws into a main's socket, he eventually realised this was futile and began shouting at me. Our neighbours, the Dre's, called the police because of the racket as it was upsetting their hoes.

I was arrested and have been released on bail but I will surely be facing a stiff sentence for this. I can't do bird for doing a bird! The papers have already got hold of the story (see attached clipping)
I feel I must run away.

I hate to ask this but is there anyway I could come and stay with you? I will bring my bank details, passport and stuff in case these are of use to you.

Please tell me you can help, please.....

Yours desperately,

Penelope Staker

Friday, June 15, 2007

My new African Penpal -part 3

OK, so Mr Jacob (or is it Mr David?) didn't reply to my second e-mail. I obviously didn't approach him with the tact and decorum required and it looks like I may have blown my chances of shaking hands on the business deal Sad

Perhaps a woman's touch is needed. Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow as they say.....

Dear Mr Jacob,

I am writing on behalf of my husband Peter Staker.

I know he has spoken to you recently concerning a business arrangement. I read the details of the proposal from your email and found it very exciting!

You sound like a wonderful attractive man and I would love to help you out if I can. If I am honest my husband can be a little distant at times. He is always attending his TOTE ALK UNTS meetings and tending to his carrier pigeon, "Speckled Jim." He says there is nothing going on but I find all sorts of strange purchases on his credit card. I mean what is a "pigeon strap-on" anyway?

He often fails to pay me the attention I deserve, spending hours in his pigeon loft doing press-ups apparently and I sometimes wonder if he would rather smoke a packet of cigarettes and stroke his bird than make love to me.

I am a woman with needs, both material and sexual and if we can help each other out in any way, then please let me know!

Yours hopefully and lovingly,

Penelope Staker x

PS I have enclosed a picture so you might better know me. I'd love to see one of you. I don't want to offend you but I have some more raunchy ones if it won't offend your humanity xxx
[picture of pretty girl attached]

BINGO. Mr Jacobs is quickly back on the case with a swift, if brief, reply....

Dear One.

Thanks for your sad response to me but i will not contact you if you can not say thing that sound very good to me or in the intrest of this transaction pls . let me know your intention clearily.

I wait to hear from you and God bless you and your family.

From Jacob David

Ok, so it's not exactly Mills and Boon, but from small acorns mighty oaks will grow. Let's try and clarify things for our new Ivorian friend and perhaps get his mighty oak to grow! I think him and penelope could get on really well!

Mr Jacob, or may I call you David.

I am so sorry that you did not understand. Please, I yearn to talk to a man who can help me.

I have a small amount of money set aside if that is of use to you. Probably not seeing as you are a multi millionaire but I also bake an extraordinary spongecake and in my youth was voted Miss South Acton Estate, a prestigious title in these parts!

I long to meet a man who sounds as honest and approachable as you. The fact that you have 6.5 million dollars and could keep me in gucci handbags and prada accessories for several years is of little consequence.

I don't wish to moan but my husbands antics worsen. Last night I was doing my evening job as a table dancer in my place of employment, "Megajugs", but was forced home when disaster struck.

A rowdy group of boys calling themselves "londites" or similar entered the establishment and started to throw peanuts at me, yelling "check out the norks on that!" and "that's the first big pair I've seen all day!" The worst offender was a man in a wheelchair (the others called him copperside i believe.)

I was obviously shaken up by this so I rushed home, only to walk in on my husband lying in our bed with his pigeon, Speckled Jim, shouting obscenities such as "F** yeah Jim, you like that don't you!".

He looked shocked on seeing me but claimed nothing was going on. When I enquired as to why Jim was dressed in small suspenders and a tiny bra, he told me this was the standard uniform for the great pigeon race and he was merely relaxing Jim to prepare him for the race.

This sounds reasonable but something is going on, I just know it! I tell you Mr jacobs I feel ready to cry and simply walk out on my husband into the arms of another man with whom i can share my love, life, bank details, scanned copy of my passport, address, postcode and any other personal details he may require.

Please tell me you can help. I have no one else to turn to!

Yours lovingly,

Penelope Staker xx

PS My husband does not know I am writing to you. He told me you have become a TOTE ALK UNT? Is this true? Are you really a TOTE ALK UNT? It doesn't matter to me either way. I still long to hear from you........... I have enclosed a further picture of me so you may admire my grandiose norks...I hope you like it x

[attached picture of girl with top off]

Much more subtle this time, I'm sure you'll agree. There's no way he won't write back, no way......

My new african pen pal - part 2

LOL, he responds!

Looks suspiciously like a stock response though, simply cut and pasted. Hmmm think he should really be a little more focused on me. I mean, he's going to be living in my garden shortly!

On the plus side, he has sent me some information about himself.Lovely. And he has increased his offer. Cool. Although not quite to the level i require. He also wants me to come over the the ivory coast, probably for a good old chinwag and some bushmeat. Wellll, not SO keen on that, I'm a busy kipper and not sure they would have 24 hour access to a broadband internet connection.

Oh well, time to employ my old skills as a contract negotiator and see if we can come to some agreement.

Here goes!

Dearest One ,

Thanks a lot for your quick response to me. In fact your urgent response has given me a relief of mind in my search for an honest and sincere person that will understand my critical present situation here.Please truth trust and probity will be the watch word in this transaction.

As I said in my previous mail, AND I LIKE THE INVITATION A LEGAL BACKING TO PROOF THE LEGITIMACY my late father deposited this fund in one of the bank for safety keeping.

All the necessary document that covers the real existence of this fund is right here with me. I have confirm existence of this fund in the bank . i am giving you the proof by the current statement of account and the death certificate.

I want you to send to me, your telephone and cell phone fax number includes your your contact address, if possible your international front page passport and i will send my too.So that can make me to identify you very well. and I will like you to keep this transaction for both of us.

I will appreciated if you can arrange to meet me here in Abidjan, to know ourselves and wittness this noble business transaction in order to build and strenghten trust and understanding between ourselves.At least to assist me in dealing with the bank, since I don't know about their protocols, Knowing ourselves will go a long way to resolve the differencies.

Please find here the details to identify me

First Name :............................... Jacob

Last Name :............................... David
Birth Date : .............................16/03/1985 DD/MM/YYYY
Birth Place : .............................Bailiki
FATHER DIED ...............................5th Oct 2006
AMOUNT IS..................................................US$6,500,000
I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU............................. 25%
Phone Number :................................... (00225)08391531
Fax Number :.......................................... Not Available
Educational level....................................Univercity in the making.
Country : .........................................Cote d"Ivoire
National Currency :
Religion : ..........................................christianity
Type of Person :................................. Humanity
Do you : Drink ............................. ocassionally
Do you. Smoke ...................................... No



From Jacob David.

OK here goes.

Dear Mr Jacob,

Thanks for your prompt response!

You certainly are an admirable businessman. I admire your efficiency and I'm sure this will make our negotatiations run very smoothly!

Now firstly may I thank you for sending through official documentation concerning your father's death and showing the existence of the money as below.

"Please find here the details to identify me

First Name :............................... Jacob

Last Name :............................... David
Birth Date : .............................16/03/1985 DD/MM/YYYY
Birth Place : .............................Bailiki
FATHER DIED ...............................5th Oct 2006
AMOUNT IS..................................................US$6,500,000
I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU............................. 25%
Phone Number :................................... (00225)08391531
Fax Number :.......................................... Not Available
Educational level....................................Univercity in the making.
Country : .........................................Cote d"Ivoire
National Currency :
Religion : ..........................................christianity
Type of Person :................................. Humanity
Do you : Drink ............................. ocassionally
Do you. Smoke ...................................... No"

I have had a legal team examine the documentation and they have confirmed its validity. I am sorry for your father's loss but is seems you are indeed a wealthy man!

Although I had no need of proof as I trust the word of a man who sends random e-mails to people he has never met to arrange inter-continental transfers of vast sums of money, it is re-assuring to receive this!

A couple of things struck me which I'd like to address.

Firstly I see you have raised the figure from an initial 15% of the monies to 25%. Whilst I appreciate you are making the effort to find some common ground, I really find myself unable to accept this figure.

However as we have created quite a rapport, I would be churlish not to show some good faith, so I confirm I am willing to lower my initial request for 99.5% of the total monies to 99.1%. Please confirm this is acceptable.

"Religion : ..........................................christianity
Type of Person :................................. Humanity
Do you : Drink ............................. ocassionally
Do you. Smoke ...................................... No"

I know this may sound harsh but I do have a few requirements of people who I do business with.

I see you are a man of humanity who drinks occasionally and doesn't smoke. I thought no less! However the only people I can do business with must be

a) Chain smokers (I'm sure it would be possible to take up the habit. In england we have now cured cancer so there is no need to worry about harmful side effects. It is considered both attractive and desirable to smoke heavily and in fact our very own Queen Elizabeth smokes 40 superkings a day now)

b) Heavy drinkers(there is a vast drinking culture in england and anyone who doesn't do so is simply cast aside as weak and unable to hold their booze. I need you to confirm that you will shortly be imbibing at least one half litre of 40% proof spirits such as Jack daniels daily before we can continue discussion. Thanks)

c) They must join my religion, the TOTE ALK UNTS. Before you protest, i realise as a christian you would be loathe to give up your current beliefs but I think they will sit happily beside those of my religion. There are literally thousands of TOTE ALK UNTS all over the world and the religion grows on a daily basis.

There is no ceremony or invocation procedure required. In fact just by sending me this email you have shown yourself to be a TOTE ALK UNT so I would thank you from the bottom of my heart and ask if you could just confirm your commitment in in your next email with the following words "I am certainly a TOTE ALK UNT", we can continue our business transaction. Thanks in advance.

Ok, So our business deal moves ever closer to completion. I am thrilled at the progress we are making!

Now you have requested a few things of me, notably my phone number, passport, address and fax number. Obviously I'm massively keen to furnish you with these sensitive personal details, given that we have now exchanged 2 emails but I have a few problems sending them through immediately.

Firstly I do not currently have a phone or passport. I find phones unnecessary in today's modern age and when I'm not conversing with people over email I make all other correspondance via carrier pigeon.

Passport-wise, I do not currently hold a valid passport as I sent my last one in the post to another contact in Africa (that shady nigerian I mentioned earlier) and he has failed to return it as of yet. Honestly, you just can't trust some people! Unfortunately this also means I am unable to visit you in your lovely country of Ivory Coast.

However given your good faith in providing some of your personal details, I feel I should give you some information and personal details to allow you to feel you can trust me implicitly as I now trust you.

Weight..........................260 kilos
ROI in 20$ poker stts......43%
Favourite poker hand......7 4 of diamonds

I have also enclosed a photograph of myself so you might better identify me for future transactions.

I hope this helps!

I am poised and ready to complete and our business transaction. I thank you for you courtesy and look forward to your future response.

Yours sincerely

P S Taker
(known to you as dearest one)

My new african penpal part 1

I received an email from a man from the ivory coast offering me fortunes if I could help him. Sounds kosher! You do hear tales of scams and fast ones being pulled on unsuspecting folks but this guy sounds genuine to me. Thought I should at least do him the courtesy of responding.....

From :jacob david
Abidjan, Ivory Coast


Dear ,

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I got your name and contact from our country chambers of industry (internet department). I prayed over it and selected your name among other names due to its esteeming nature and the recommendations given
to me as a reputable and trust worthy person that
I can do business with and by the recommendation ,
I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple
and sincere business .

I am jacob david only son of late Mr. and Mrs. david Morgan . My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in Abidjan , the economic capital of Ivory coast, my father was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outings on a business trip .

My mother died when I was a baby and since then my father took me so special. Before the death of my father on october 2006 in a private hospital here in Abidjan he secretly called me on his bed side and told me that he has the sum of Six million,five hundred thousand United State Dollars. USD ($6,500,000.00) left in fixed / suspense account in one of the prime bank here in Abidjan ,that he used my name as his only son for the next of Kin in depositing of the fund. He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his business associates. That I should seek for a foreign partner in a country of my choice where i will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose.

Dear, I am honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways:
(1) To provide a bank account into which this money
would be transferred to.
(2) To serve as a guardian of this fund.
(3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your
country to further my education and to secure a
resident permit in your country.

Moreover, I am willing to offer you 15%
of the total sum as compensation for your effort/
input after the successful transfer of this fund into
your nominated account overseas.

Furthermore, you indicate your options towards assisting me as I believe that this transaction would be concluded within fourteen (14) days you signify interest to assist me. Anticipating to hear from you soon.

Thanks and God bless.

Best regards,
Mr jacob david.

...WOW sounds great. 15% of 6.5 mill or $975k, that will bankroll me for at least a few months playing 3-6 omaha hi lo limit. Far be it for me to take advantage of a guy who has suffered such misfortune, but, well they raised us greedy on the gold paved streets of west london, so I'm going to up the stakes.

Hello Mr Jacob,

Thank you for your correspondance. It sounded intriguing! I would like to congratulate you as your english is remarkably good.

I received an offer a while ago from a nigerian businessman, and was poised to release my bank details but a close friend alerted me to the notion that nigerian businessman cannot be trusted to conduct multimillion pound deals with total strangers over email.

I found this shocking!

In england a man's word is his bond. I once gave a vagrant ten pounds under the condition it be spent on a good meal and some blankets to keep him warm. He promised me this and it being england I took this man at his word. Later on I spied the same vagrant lying on the street inebriated, surrounded by several tennants super strength cans, singing "I am a little goblin and i like a little gobblin'" at the top of his voice. Clearly he had spent my funds on furthering his debauchery.

Outraged at the betrayal I demanded my money back and when he responded by vomiting on my shoes I bitch slapped him multiple times till he handed over the 27p in his possession. Small return on my investment but at least he learnt his lesson!

I trust a man's word holds similar value in your fine country of the Ivory Coast. In fact I am a close friend of a star from your country, a certain Didier Drogba. I say close friend, in fact i met his sister once, and have watched him play on tv a few times, but you can see from the way he strikes the ball so sweetly, he is a man of honour and I would expect honourable intentions from anyone i enter into business with.

Now here is the crux of the matter....I see you have promised me 15% of the 6.5 million dollars (US) that you inherited in return for my safeguarding of your funds and to provide education and residency within england.

Now, as regards education, I think we could arrange this very easily. I have an old copy of endyclopedia brittanica which I would be happy to lend to you. Some pages are missing but mostly these are concerning mettalurgy and I think it may be a few years in england before you require information about the miscible properties of molten copper and iron. You should learn all you need to from this book.

Residency-wise, I believe the government are clamping down on immigration as part of their get tough policy. In order to dissuade the vice-like clamp of the immigration authorites from removing you from the country once you arrive, I will arrange for you to stay at the bottom of my garden.

I have a small wendy house there. Whilst this is primarily designed for 6 year old children, I think you will find it quite advanced. It comes complete with many facilities including a Fisher Price "My First Oven", a small plastic chair and even a stuffed toy with one eye missing we call Simon the Cyclops. You may find the winter nights a tad chilly but cuddle up to Simon and the time will surely whizz by!

So with these details taken care of, there is only the small matter of the money. Of course I am happy to send you my bank details through immediately but I think as I am sorting out most of the arrangements, I would require a slightly higher percentage of the money.

You have offered me 15% of the 6.5 million dollars (US). IInstead I would like to propose a figure of 99.5% of the monies as renumeration for my efforts. If you can agree with this request I will immediately send my bank details and we can begin the business in hand!

Please let me know your response as soon as possible Mr Jacob.

Thanks for you help and i look forward to our future business.

Yours sincerely,

P S Taker