My African Pen Pal- Part 4

No reply as of yet. Boooooo. I will attempt to coax him out of hiding by telling him the sad tale of Penelope Staker's misdemeanours..... My dearest David, I write to you with a heavy heart, tears in my eyes and asda supersaver mascara staining my cheeks. I'm sorry to confide in you, but I don't know who else to tell... Tonight a terrible tragedy happened... I was cleaning the house when I found something under the bed which shook my world to its very foundations. Secreted away under our marital bed, I found a suitcase containing a hawaiian shirt, a ticket to honolulu airport, a small bird cage large enough for a pigeon and a tub of vaseline. There can be no doubt...Peter, my husband, was clearly planning to elope with Speckled Jim! I suppose the clues have always been there...the loving way he kisses him good night on the beak, the speckled feathers I often find in his boxer shorts and perhaps his insistence on playing the birdy song and forceful suggestions I dress up as Big Bird off Sesame Street while we make love should have rung more bells. God, I've been so blind, so blind and stupid! I felt numb at this discovery and found myself fetching a kitchen knife and approaching the cage of my new found love rival. Strangely I found Jim backed up against the cage, seemingly pressing his rear end against the wall. What I did next I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I grabbed Jim, one slice, one drawn out squawk and a flutter of speckly feathers later and Jim 's head was in my hands, his body a crumpled heap in the cage. I had killed him and sent him off to meet all the other peckers in the great pigeon race in the sky. Damn Kershaw and their razor sharp range of kitchen knives! I didn't know what to do so just sat crying. When Peter came home he found Jim and despite an attempt to resuscitate him using sellotape to reattach his head and pushing his little claws into a main's socket, he eventually realised this was futile and began shouting at me. Our neighbours, the Dre's, called the police because of the racket as it was upsetting their hoes. I was arrested and have been released on bail but I will surely be facing a stiff sentence for this. I can't do bird for doing a bird! The papers have already got hold of the story (see attached clipping) I feel I must run away. I hate to ask this but is there anyway I could come and stay with you? I will bring my bank details, passport and stuff in case these are of use to you. Please tell me you can help, please..... Yours desperately, Penelope Staker xxxxxxxxxx