My new african pen pal - part 2

LOL, he responds!

Looks suspiciously like a stock response though, simply cut and pasted. Hmmm think he should really be a little more focused on me. I mean, he's going to be living in my garden shortly!

On the plus side, he has sent me some information about himself.Lovely. And he has increased his offer. Cool. Although not quite to the level i require. He also wants me to come over the the ivory coast, probably for a good old chinwag and some bushmeat. Wellll, not SO keen on that, I'm a busy kipper and not sure they would have 24 hour access to a broadband internet connection.

Oh well, time to employ my old skills as a contract negotiator and see if we can come to some agreement.

Here goes!



Dearest One ,

Thanks a lot for your quick response to me. In fact your urgent response has given me a relief of mind in my search for an honest and sincere person that will understand my critical present situation here.Please truth trust and probity will be the watch word in this transaction.

As I said in my previous mail, AND I LIKE THE INVITATION A LEGAL BACKING TO PROOF THE LEGITIMACY my late father deposited this fund in one of the bank for safety keeping.

All the necessary document that covers the real existence of this fund is right here with me. I have confirm existence of this fund in the bank . i am giving you the proof by the current statement of account and the death certificate.

I want you to send to me, your telephone and cell phone fax number includes your your contact address, if possible your international front page passport and i will send my too.So that can make me to identify you very well. and I will like you to keep this transaction for both of us.

I will appreciated if you can arrange to meet me here in Abidjan, to know ourselves and wittness this noble business transaction in order to build and strenghten trust and understanding between ourselves.At least to assist me in dealing with the bank, since I don't know about their protocols, Knowing ourselves will go a long way to resolve the differencies.

Please find here the details to identify me

First Name :............................... Jacob

Last Name :............................... David
Birth Date : .............................16/03/1985 DD/MM/YYYY
Birth Place : .............................Bailiki
FATHER DIED ...............................5th Oct 2006
AMOUNT IS..................................................US$6,500,000
I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU............................. 25%
Phone Number :................................... (00225)08391531
Fax Number :.......................................... Not Available
Email :.............................................jacobdavid102000@yahoo.co.jp
Educational level....................................Univercity in the making.
Country : .........................................Cote d"Ivoire
National Currency : .....................................cfa
Religion : ..........................................christianity
Type of Person :................................. Humanity
Do you : Drink ............................. ocassionally
Do you. Smoke ...................................... No

2) TO SERVE AS THE GUARDIAN OF THIS FUND AND ALSO HELP ME TO GET THE FUND FROM THE BANK SINCE I DO NOT KNOW MUCH ABOUT THE BANKING PROCEDURES.

3) TO MAKE ARRANGEMENT FOR ME TO COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY TO FURTHER MY EDUCATION AND TO SECURE A RESIDENTIAL PERMIT FOR ME IN YOUR COUNTRY

From Jacob David.





OK here goes.


Dear Mr Jacob,

Thanks for your prompt response!

You certainly are an admirable businessman. I admire your efficiency and I'm sure this will make our negotatiations run very smoothly!

Now firstly may I thank you for sending through official documentation concerning your father's death and showing the existence of the money as below.


"Please find here the details to identify me

First Name :............................... Jacob

Last Name :............................... David
Birth Date : .............................16/03/1985 DD/MM/YYYY
Birth Place : .............................Bailiki
FATHER DIED ...............................5th Oct 2006
AMOUNT IS..................................................US$6,500,000
I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU............................. 25%
Phone Number :................................... (00225)08391531
Fax Number :.......................................... Not Available
Email :.............................................jacobdavid102000@yahoo.co.jp
Educational level....................................Univercity in the making.
Country : .........................................Cote d"Ivoire
National Currency : .....................................cfa
Religion : ..........................................christianity
Type of Person :................................. Humanity
Do you : Drink ............................. ocassionally
Do you. Smoke ...................................... No"

I have had a legal team examine the documentation and they have confirmed its validity. I am sorry for your father's loss but is seems you are indeed a wealthy man!

Although I had no need of proof as I trust the word of a man who sends random e-mails to people he has never met to arrange inter-continental transfers of vast sums of money, it is re-assuring to receive this!

A couple of things struck me which I'd like to address.

Firstly I see you have raised the figure from an initial 15% of the monies to 25%. Whilst I appreciate you are making the effort to find some common ground, I really find myself unable to accept this figure.

However as we have created quite a rapport, I would be churlish not to show some good faith, so I confirm I am willing to lower my initial request for 99.5% of the total monies to 99.1%. Please confirm this is acceptable.


"Religion : ..........................................christianity
Type of Person :................................. Humanity
Do you : Drink ............................. ocassionally
Do you. Smoke ...................................... No"

I know this may sound harsh but I do have a few requirements of people who I do business with.

I see you are a man of humanity who drinks occasionally and doesn't smoke. I thought no less! However the only people I can do business with must be

a) Chain smokers (I'm sure it would be possible to take up the habit. In england we have now cured cancer so there is no need to worry about harmful side effects. It is considered both attractive and desirable to smoke heavily and in fact our very own Queen Elizabeth smokes 40 superkings a day now)

b) Heavy drinkers(there is a vast drinking culture in england and anyone who doesn't do so is simply cast aside as weak and unable to hold their booze. I need you to confirm that you will shortly be imbibing at least one half litre of 40% proof spirits such as Jack daniels daily before we can continue discussion. Thanks)

c) They must join my religion, the TOTE ALK UNTS. Before you protest, i realise as a christian you would be loathe to give up your current beliefs but I think they will sit happily beside those of my religion. There are literally thousands of TOTE ALK UNTS all over the world and the religion grows on a daily basis.

There is no ceremony or invocation procedure required. In fact just by sending me this email you have shown yourself to be a TOTE ALK UNT so I would thank you from the bottom of my heart and ask if you could just confirm your commitment in in your next email with the following words "I am certainly a TOTE ALK UNT", we can continue our business transaction. Thanks in advance.

Ok, So our business deal moves ever closer to completion. I am thrilled at the progress we are making!

Now you have requested a few things of me, notably my phone number, passport, address and fax number. Obviously I'm massively keen to furnish you with these sensitive personal details, given that we have now exchanged 2 emails but I have a few problems sending them through immediately.

Firstly I do not currently have a phone or passport. I find phones unnecessary in today's modern age and when I'm not conversing with people over email I make all other correspondance via carrier pigeon.

Passport-wise, I do not currently hold a valid passport as I sent my last one in the post to another contact in Africa (that shady nigerian I mentioned earlier) and he has failed to return it as of yet. Honestly, you just can't trust some people! Unfortunately this also means I am unable to visit you in your lovely country of Ivory Coast.

However given your good faith in providing some of your personal details, I feel I should give you some information and personal details to allow you to feel you can trust me implicitly as I now trust you.

Height...........................6`10
Weight..........................260 kilos
Appearance...................dishevelled
ROI in 20$ poker stts......43%
Favourite poker hand......7 4 of diamonds

I have also enclosed a photograph of myself so you might better identify me for future transactions.



I hope this helps!

I am poised and ready to complete and our business transaction. I thank you for you courtesy and look forward to your future response.


Yours sincerely

P S Taker
(known to you as dearest one)