My New African Pen Pal - part 5

Ah, he's no fun anymore. Just trying to get me to call some premium rate number probably charged at £27 a minute. I think he may be on to me. I think this may be his last message.....boooooooooo




>Dear One,
>
> Thanks for email response todat but please i

do not want to start saying this again please

call me let me know that you are very serious in

your word . Not serious? Is he for real.
>
> this is my number if you do not call this

number 0022508391531 then i know that you are

joking ok.
>
> From David Jacob





Ok, we're losing him. One last plea for help from me and this may be it. Maybe he's a rap fan?




Please, please help me!

Why would you think I am joking? I only want to help if I can, but I am in big trouble and need your help. Please help me!

I called your number but just got a recorded message saying,

"All of our operators are currently busy. Please bear with us, your call is important to us. If you have called regarding a percentage of a large inheritance, please press 1. If you have called to leave your bank details and personal information, please press 2. If you have called to arrange a meeting with one of our operators and would like reassurance you will not be frog marched to the nearest cash point machine, cleaned out, shot and dumped in the nearest river, please press 3. If you would like to
simply leave a message, wait for the beep and leave your bank details, mother's maiden name, religion, address and contact number after the tone so one of our Ree Poff Merchants can get back to your shortly. BEEEEEEEEEP. "

After being released from the station the other day I spent an unhappy night back at the flat in the spare room, wondering if at any moment my husband would come in and exact revenge for Jim's death. In the morning the police arrived to take me away. As the sirens got closer I heard some shuffling coming from the flat above where the Dre's live and some frantic voices...

... "Snoop hide the ganj man, it's the fecking POLIS bruv!"

...."I'm on it Dre. Put the damn A-K away, shove it in the bidet, no way we're gonna pay...."

Six burly officers dragged me off as my husband stood at the door, laughing and shouting, "you're going down for this you butchering bitch!"

Back at the station I was tied to a chair and a bright light was shone in my face. Two policemen known to me only as DC Goode and DC Badd questioned me. Badde looked at me menacingly, his top button undone, tie hanging loose and sleeves
rolled up. Sweat beaded his brow as he yelled in my face....

"This is it Staker. Those geeks in forensics have come back and your filthy prints are all over the joint..on the knife, the bird, all over the flat. You're bang to rights and going down hard. Ten years minimum in maximum security. You know what they do to bird killers in jail? You hear about the case of the "canary curtailer"? 2 years into her sentence they found her impaled on a broom with jsut the brush poking out of her mouth. Officially it was a cleaning accident but we know better. I won't even get into the story of the "sparrow slayer". Let's just say chrome chairs make a pretty painful suppository. Word is, they've already got plans for the "pigeon plugger". You're on the edge and one shove from us, it'll be sianara. It's time to play ball and
give us something you avian assassin! "

"Take it easy Badd. Come on Staker, we can help you. You want a cigarette? Here take one..." [he lit it for me and i took a drag]

Suddenly, Badd snatched it out of my mouth mid drag and stubbed it out on my hand....

"AARGGHH!"

"Enough bullshit. You know the family who live above you, the Dre's. Respectable family, dad's a doctor but word is they're moving more chronic than downtown LA. Give him up to us and we'll see what we can do. We've spoken to the canadian
muppet at no 6, u know him?"

"Mr Snow."

"Yeah, we know he knows something. We leaned hard on that fool but he just spouts out some incomprehensible crap about "icky boom boom down" then shuts up. He won't talk. Snow won't turn informer."

"What about the two girls in no 4. Maybe they know something. Both called Emma I think...."

"Em and Em? Nah, they might know something but Dre helped them out a while ago and they're not talkin'"

"give it up or face the consequences Staker. Don't make us throw you to the wolves!"

This went on for another four hours. I told them all I know but it's not enough. I'm for it. I implore you, please help me.

I don't know what to do!

Yours soon-to-be-convictedly,


Penelope Staker
xxxxxx

My African Pen Pal- Part 4

No reply as of yet. Boooooo. I will attempt to coax him out of hiding by telling him the sad tale of Penelope Staker's misdemeanours..... My dearest David, I write to you with a heavy heart, tears in my eyes and asda supersaver mascara staining my cheeks. I'm sorry to confide in you, but I don't know who else to tell... Tonight a terrible tragedy happened... I was cleaning the house when I found something under the bed which shook my world to its very foundations. Secreted away under our marital bed, I found a suitcase containing a hawaiian shirt, a ticket to honolulu airport, a small bird cage large enough for a pigeon and a tub of vaseline. There can be no doubt...Peter, my husband, was clearly planning to elope with Speckled Jim! I suppose the clues have always been there...the loving way he kisses him good night on the beak, the speckled feathers I often find in his boxer shorts and perhaps his insistence on playing the birdy song and forceful suggestions I dress up as Big Bird off Sesame Street while we make love should have rung more bells. God, I've been so blind, so blind and stupid! I felt numb at this discovery and found myself fetching a kitchen knife and approaching the cage of my new found love rival. Strangely I found Jim backed up against the cage, seemingly pressing his rear end against the wall. What I did next I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I grabbed Jim, one slice, one drawn out squawk and a flutter of speckly feathers later and Jim 's head was in my hands, his body a crumpled heap in the cage. I had killed him and sent him off to meet all the other peckers in the great pigeon race in the sky. Damn Kershaw and their razor sharp range of kitchen knives! I didn't know what to do so just sat crying. When Peter came home he found Jim and despite an attempt to resuscitate him using sellotape to reattach his head and pushing his little claws into a main's socket, he eventually realised this was futile and began shouting at me. Our neighbours, the Dre's, called the police because of the racket as it was upsetting their hoes. I was arrested and have been released on bail but I will surely be facing a stiff sentence for this. I can't do bird for doing a bird! The papers have already got hold of the story (see attached clipping) I feel I must run away. I hate to ask this but is there anyway I could come and stay with you? I will bring my bank details, passport and stuff in case these are of use to you. Please tell me you can help, please..... Yours desperately, Penelope Staker xxxxxxxxxx

My new African Penpal -part 3

OK, so Mr Jacob (or is it Mr David?) didn't reply to my second e-mail. I obviously didn't approach him with the tact and decorum required and it looks like I may have blown my chances of shaking hands on the business deal

Perhaps a woman's touch is needed. Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow as they say.....



Dear Mr Jacob,

I am writing on behalf of my husband Peter Staker.

I know he has spoken to you recently concerning a business arrangement. I read the details of the proposal from your email and found it very exciting!

You sound like a wonderful attractive man and I would love to help you out if I can. If I am honest my husband can be a little distant at times. He is always attending his TOTE ALK UNTS meetings and tending to his carrier pigeon, "Speckled Jim." He says there is nothing going on but I find all sorts of strange purchases on his credit card. I mean what is a "pigeon strap-on" anyway?

He often fails to pay me the attention I deserve, spending hours in his pigeon loft doing press-ups apparently and I sometimes wonder if he would rather smoke a packet of cigarettes and stroke his bird than make love to me.

I am a woman with needs, both material and sexual and if we can help each other out in any way, then please let me know!

Yours hopefully and lovingly,

Penelope Staker x

PS I have enclosed a picture so you might better know me. I'd love to see one of you. I don't want to offend you but I have some more raunchy ones if it won't offend your humanity xxx
[picture of pretty girl attached]




BINGO. Mr Jacobs is quickly back on the case with a swift, if brief, reply....




Dear One.

Thanks for your sad response to me but i will not contact you if you can not say thing that sound very good to me or in the intrest of this transaction pls . let me know your intention clearily.

I wait to hear from you and God bless you and your family.

From Jacob David




Ok, so it's not exactly Mills and Boon, but from small acorns mighty oaks will grow. Let's try and clarify things for our new Ivorian friend and perhaps get his mighty oak to grow! I think him and penelope could get on really well!





Mr Jacob, or may I call you David.

I am so sorry that you did not understand. Please, I yearn to talk to a man who can help me.

I have a small amount of money set aside if that is of use to you. Probably not seeing as you are a multi millionaire but I also bake an extraordinary spongecake and in my youth was voted Miss South Acton Estate, a prestigious title in these parts!

I long to meet a man who sounds as honest and approachable as you. The fact that you have 6.5 million dollars and could keep me in gucci handbags and prada accessories for several years is of little consequence.

I don't wish to moan but my husbands antics worsen. Last night I was doing my evening job as a table dancer in my place of employment, "Megajugs", but was forced home when disaster struck.

A rowdy group of boys calling themselves "londites" or similar entered the establishment and started to throw peanuts at me, yelling "check out the norks on that!" and "that's the first big pair I've seen all day!" The worst offender was a man in a wheelchair (the others called him copperside i believe.)

I was obviously shaken up by this so I rushed home, only to walk in on my husband lying in our bed with his pigeon, Speckled Jim, shouting obscenities such as "F** yeah Jim, you like that don't you!".

He looked shocked on seeing me but claimed nothing was going on. When I enquired as to why Jim was dressed in small suspenders and a tiny bra, he told me this was the standard uniform for the great pigeon race and he was merely relaxing Jim to prepare him for the race.

This sounds reasonable but something is going on, I just know it! I tell you Mr jacobs I feel ready to cry and simply walk out on my husband into the arms of another man with whom i can share my love, life, bank details, scanned copy of my passport, address, postcode and any other personal details he may require.

Please tell me you can help. I have no one else to turn to!

Yours lovingly,

Penelope Staker xx

PS My husband does not know I am writing to you. He told me you have become a TOTE ALK UNT? Is this true? Are you really a TOTE ALK UNT? It doesn't matter to me either way. I still long to hear from you........... I have enclosed a further picture of me so you may admire my grandiose norks...I hope you like it x

[attached picture of girl with top off]




Much more subtle this time, I'm sure you'll agree. There's no way he won't write back, no way......

My new african pen pal - part 2

LOL, he responds!

Looks suspiciously like a stock response though, simply cut and pasted. Hmmm think he should really be a little more focused on me. I mean, he's going to be living in my garden shortly!

On the plus side, he has sent me some information about himself.Lovely. And he has increased his offer. Cool. Although not quite to the level i require. He also wants me to come over the the ivory coast, probably for a good old chinwag and some bushmeat. Wellll, not SO keen on that, I'm a busy kipper and not sure they would have 24 hour access to a broadband internet connection.

Oh well, time to employ my old skills as a contract negotiator and see if we can come to some agreement.

Here goes!



Dearest One ,

Thanks a lot for your quick response to me. In fact your urgent response has given me a relief of mind in my search for an honest and sincere person that will understand my critical present situation here.Please truth trust and probity will be the watch word in this transaction.

As I said in my previous mail, AND I LIKE THE INVITATION A LEGAL BACKING TO PROOF THE LEGITIMACY my late father deposited this fund in one of the bank for safety keeping.

All the necessary document that covers the real existence of this fund is right here with me. I have confirm existence of this fund in the bank . i am giving you the proof by the current statement of account and the death certificate.

I want you to send to me, your telephone and cell phone fax number includes your your contact address, if possible your international front page passport and i will send my too.So that can make me to identify you very well. and I will like you to keep this transaction for both of us.

I will appreciated if you can arrange to meet me here in Abidjan, to know ourselves and wittness this noble business transaction in order to build and strenghten trust and understanding between ourselves.At least to assist me in dealing with the bank, since I don't know about their protocols, Knowing ourselves will go a long way to resolve the differencies.

Please find here the details to identify me

First Name :............................... Jacob

Last Name :............................... David
Birth Date : .............................16/03/1985 DD/MM/YYYY
Birth Place : .............................Bailiki
FATHER DIED ...............................5th Oct 2006
AMOUNT IS..................................................US$6,500,000
I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU............................. 25%
Phone Number :................................... (00225)08391531
Fax Number :.......................................... Not Available
Email :.............................................jacobdavid102000@yahoo.co.jp
Educational level....................................Univercity in the making.
Country : .........................................Cote d"Ivoire
National Currency : .....................................cfa
Religion : ..........................................christianity
Type of Person :................................. Humanity
Do you : Drink ............................. ocassionally
Do you. Smoke ...................................... No

2) TO SERVE AS THE GUARDIAN OF THIS FUND AND ALSO HELP ME TO GET THE FUND FROM THE BANK SINCE I DO NOT KNOW MUCH ABOUT THE BANKING PROCEDURES.

3) TO MAKE ARRANGEMENT FOR ME TO COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY TO FURTHER MY EDUCATION AND TO SECURE A RESIDENTIAL PERMIT FOR ME IN YOUR COUNTRY

From Jacob David.





OK here goes.


Dear Mr Jacob,

Thanks for your prompt response!

You certainly are an admirable businessman. I admire your efficiency and I'm sure this will make our negotatiations run very smoothly!

Now firstly may I thank you for sending through official documentation concerning your father's death and showing the existence of the money as below.


"Please find here the details to identify me

First Name :............................... Jacob

Last Name :............................... David
Birth Date : .............................16/03/1985 DD/MM/YYYY
Birth Place : .............................Bailiki
FATHER DIED ...............................5th Oct 2006
AMOUNT IS..................................................US$6,500,000
I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU............................. 25%
Phone Number :................................... (00225)08391531
Fax Number :.......................................... Not Available
Email :.............................................jacobdavid102000@yahoo.co.jp
Educational level....................................Univercity in the making.
Country : .........................................Cote d"Ivoire
National Currency : .....................................cfa
Religion : ..........................................christianity
Type of Person :................................. Humanity
Do you : Drink ............................. ocassionally
Do you. Smoke ...................................... No"

I have had a legal team examine the documentation and they have confirmed its validity. I am sorry for your father's loss but is seems you are indeed a wealthy man!

Although I had no need of proof as I trust the word of a man who sends random e-mails to people he has never met to arrange inter-continental transfers of vast sums of money, it is re-assuring to receive this!

A couple of things struck me which I'd like to address.

Firstly I see you have raised the figure from an initial 15% of the monies to 25%. Whilst I appreciate you are making the effort to find some common ground, I really find myself unable to accept this figure.

However as we have created quite a rapport, I would be churlish not to show some good faith, so I confirm I am willing to lower my initial request for 99.5% of the total monies to 99.1%. Please confirm this is acceptable.


"Religion : ..........................................christianity
Type of Person :................................. Humanity
Do you : Drink ............................. ocassionally
Do you. Smoke ...................................... No"

I know this may sound harsh but I do have a few requirements of people who I do business with.

I see you are a man of humanity who drinks occasionally and doesn't smoke. I thought no less! However the only people I can do business with must be

a) Chain smokers (I'm sure it would be possible to take up the habit. In england we have now cured cancer so there is no need to worry about harmful side effects. It is considered both attractive and desirable to smoke heavily and in fact our very own Queen Elizabeth smokes 40 superkings a day now)

b) Heavy drinkers(there is a vast drinking culture in england and anyone who doesn't do so is simply cast aside as weak and unable to hold their booze. I need you to confirm that you will shortly be imbibing at least one half litre of 40% proof spirits such as Jack daniels daily before we can continue discussion. Thanks)

c) They must join my religion, the TOTE ALK UNTS. Before you protest, i realise as a christian you would be loathe to give up your current beliefs but I think they will sit happily beside those of my religion. There are literally thousands of TOTE ALK UNTS all over the world and the religion grows on a daily basis.

There is no ceremony or invocation procedure required. In fact just by sending me this email you have shown yourself to be a TOTE ALK UNT so I would thank you from the bottom of my heart and ask if you could just confirm your commitment in in your next email with the following words "I am certainly a TOTE ALK UNT", we can continue our business transaction. Thanks in advance.

Ok, So our business deal moves ever closer to completion. I am thrilled at the progress we are making!

Now you have requested a few things of me, notably my phone number, passport, address and fax number. Obviously I'm massively keen to furnish you with these sensitive personal details, given that we have now exchanged 2 emails but I have a few problems sending them through immediately.

Firstly I do not currently have a phone or passport. I find phones unnecessary in today's modern age and when I'm not conversing with people over email I make all other correspondance via carrier pigeon.

Passport-wise, I do not currently hold a valid passport as I sent my last one in the post to another contact in Africa (that shady nigerian I mentioned earlier) and he has failed to return it as of yet. Honestly, you just can't trust some people! Unfortunately this also means I am unable to visit you in your lovely country of Ivory Coast.

However given your good faith in providing some of your personal details, I feel I should give you some information and personal details to allow you to feel you can trust me implicitly as I now trust you.

Height...........................6`10
Weight..........................260 kilos
Appearance...................dishevelled
ROI in 20$ poker stts......43%
Favourite poker hand......7 4 of diamonds

I have also enclosed a photograph of myself so you might better identify me for future transactions.



I hope this helps!

I am poised and ready to complete and our business transaction. I thank you for you courtesy and look forward to your future response.


Yours sincerely

P S Taker
(known to you as dearest one)

My new african penpal part 1

I received an email from a man from the ivory coast offering me fortunes if I could help him. Sounds kosher! You do hear tales of scams and fast ones being pulled on unsuspecting folks but this guy sounds genuine to me. Thought I should at least do him the courtesy of responding.....


From :jacob david
Abidjan, Ivory Coast
(jacobdavid0@yahoo.co.jp)


APPEAL FOR BUSINESS ASSISTANCE.

Dear ,

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I got your name and contact from our country chambers of industry (internet department). I prayed over it and selected your name among other names due to its esteeming nature and the recommendations given
to me as a reputable and trust worthy person that
I can do business with and by the recommendation ,
I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple
and sincere business .

I am jacob david only son of late Mr. and Mrs. david Morgan . My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in Abidjan , the economic capital of Ivory coast, my father was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outings on a business trip .

My mother died when I was a baby and since then my father took me so special. Before the death of my father on october 2006 in a private hospital here in Abidjan he secretly called me on his bed side and told me that he has the sum of Six million,five hundred thousand United State Dollars. USD ($6,500,000.00) left in fixed / suspense account in one of the prime bank here in Abidjan ,that he used my name as his only son for the next of Kin in depositing of the fund. He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his business associates. That I should seek for a foreign partner in a country of my choice where i will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose.

Dear, I am honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways:
(1) To provide a bank account into which this money
would be transferred to.
(2) To serve as a guardian of this fund.
(3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your
country to further my education and to secure a
resident permit in your country.

Moreover, I am willing to offer you 15%
of the total sum as compensation for your effort/
input after the successful transfer of this fund into
your nominated account overseas.

Furthermore, you indicate your options towards assisting me as I believe that this transaction would be concluded within fourteen (14) days you signify interest to assist me. Anticipating to hear from you soon.

Thanks and God bless.

Best regards,
Mr jacob david.




...WOW sounds great. 15% of 6.5 mill or $975k, that will bankroll me for at least a few months playing 3-6 omaha hi lo limit. Far be it for me to take advantage of a guy who has suffered such misfortune, but, well they raised us greedy on the gold paved streets of west london, so I'm going to up the stakes.







Hello Mr Jacob,

Thank you for your correspondance. It sounded intriguing! I would like to congratulate you as your english is remarkably good.

I received an offer a while ago from a nigerian businessman, and was poised to release my bank details but a close friend alerted me to the notion that nigerian businessman cannot be trusted to conduct multimillion pound deals with total strangers over email.

I found this shocking!

In england a man's word is his bond. I once gave a vagrant ten pounds under the condition it be spent on a good meal and some blankets to keep him warm. He promised me this and it being england I took this man at his word. Later on I spied the same vagrant lying on the street inebriated, surrounded by several tennants super strength cans, singing "I am a little goblin and i like a little gobblin'" at the top of his voice. Clearly he had spent my funds on furthering his debauchery.

Outraged at the betrayal I demanded my money back and when he responded by vomiting on my shoes I bitch slapped him multiple times till he handed over the 27p in his possession. Small return on my investment but at least he learnt his lesson!

I trust a man's word holds similar value in your fine country of the Ivory Coast. In fact I am a close friend of a star from your country, a certain Didier Drogba. I say close friend, in fact i met his sister once, and have watched him play on tv a few times, but you can see from the way he strikes the ball so sweetly, he is a man of honour and I would expect honourable intentions from anyone i enter into business with.

Now here is the crux of the matter....I see you have promised me 15% of the 6.5 million dollars (US) that you inherited in return for my safeguarding of your funds and to provide education and residency within england.

Now, as regards education, I think we could arrange this very easily. I have an old copy of endyclopedia brittanica which I would be happy to lend to you. Some pages are missing but mostly these are concerning mettalurgy and I think it may be a few years in england before you require information about the miscible properties of molten copper and iron. You should learn all you need to from this book.

Residency-wise, I believe the government are clamping down on immigration as part of their get tough policy. In order to dissuade the vice-like clamp of the immigration authorites from removing you from the country once you arrive, I will arrange for you to stay at the bottom of my garden.

I have a small wendy house there. Whilst this is primarily designed for 6 year old children, I think you will find it quite advanced. It comes complete with many facilities including a Fisher Price "My First Oven", a small plastic chair and even a stuffed toy with one eye missing we call Simon the Cyclops. You may find the winter nights a tad chilly but cuddle up to Simon and the time will surely whizz by!

So with these details taken care of, there is only the small matter of the money. Of course I am happy to send you my bank details through immediately but I think as I am sorting out most of the arrangements, I would require a slightly higher percentage of the money.

You have offered me 15% of the 6.5 million dollars (US). IInstead I would like to propose a figure of 99.5% of the monies as renumeration for my efforts. If you can agree with this request I will immediately send my bank details and we can begin the business in hand!

Please let me know your response as soon as possible Mr Jacob.

Thanks for you help and i look forward to our future business.


Yours sincerely,

P S Taker

Well blow me down

Hi there feline followers.

My blog is not quite dead but i admit it is lying in the ambulance with paramedics crowded round desperately giving it CPR whilst others rub that jelly shit on the de-fibrilator and are moments away from shouting "CLEAR"

Poker has to be frank been shit for me this year. I wish I could attribute it all to bad luck and whilst that has been a factor i simply have not been playing well enough and my bankroll has been severely depleted.

I've managed to pick up a few small results recently and feel like I am playing pretty well at the moment but I need a good few months to get back on track or I may be forced into gainful employment like everyone else in the rat race. Please poker gods, u owe me, don't feck with me now!

Had a good run in the mansion comp recently. First time I've played it in a while but managed a creditable 12th for $1k and was in contention at the end, though the sick blind structure meant I was having to push in whenever i played a hand....

3rd in the 5k on boss for $444 was ok, although i ruled that tournament and managed to lose 4 70 30s or better for massive pots otherwise the cat was gonna take that shit down (bad beat stories over folks you can remove your hands from your eyes!)

I almost won a seat to the bolton poker 6 but in the end came 2nd for another 1k which was quite enjoyable. Zzzzzzzrope, a fellow blondite (blonde poker being a forum I often post on) won so good luck to him in Bolton.

I put the fact that I'm playing better down to exposure to stts. Going back to basics has helped my game a lot and I'm now finding spots to attack and places to fold even good hands much more easily. The kippers are lining up for the cat to gun down so I've got myself an arsenal of moves and ammo aplenty to aim, take fire and shoot....bring it on you slimy gilled creatures!

Sidenote on 24/Lost/ Heroes

24 has been the worst series in my recollection. The writers have run out of steam a bit and despite there being a few classic episodes, overall the series has lost momentum and creativity. There have always been holes in 24s plot but mostly these were enjoyable. Just recently though the cliched situations that happen just havent been as much fun!

Maybe it's time to kill Jack off. How about a sub series with Kim Bauer working at a strip joint....what's the plot i hear you ask....WHO NEEDS A DAMN PLOT WITH NAKED KIM!!

Lost has been quite enjoyable even though it has meandered at times and they killed off Mr Eko and Ana lucia, two of my favourite characters. Overall though it gets 7.5/10 for a good worthwhile series and at least they ended it well....

Heroes was perhaps the best of the lot, although similarly to 24 the ending was awful. I hope series 2 is as good...let's hope so. The villain sylar is one of the best characters in all 3 of these shows...he's awesomely menacing and powerful but he seems to have been killed. Will he reappear next series...?

Anyway enough for now, take it easy kippers and I'll try and keep you abreast of developments in the cat world more effectively.

BYEEEEEEEEEE