24

This is such a class show. I got into this late which was great as i was able to watch the various series virtually back to back. I now love it but simply can't wait till series 6 comes out. DAMMIT!

I wrote this as a possible script for the opening episode. I'll be sending it to Fox so hopefully it will air. Sorry if this spoils things for you.

7 am

Jack rolls out of bed fully dressed. He walks into the bathroom, runs the tap and splashes some water on his face. He rubs his stomach, looks puzzled and walks back into the bedroom.

He grabs his mobile phone by the side of the phone, flips it open and calls a number.

"Curtis. It's jack."

"Hey Jack. I told you not to call me after the last series. You know why"

"Yeah sure curtis. I know the main characters only have a lifespan of 2-3 series."

"That's right, ok Tony made it half way through the fifth series but he got lucky. I'm happy selling pineapples to supermarkets now so this call is over. Bye Jack"

"Wait curtis. Listen to me carefully. I appreciate this is difficult for you but i really need your help. I have this grumbling kind of noise coming from my stomach and if I don't find out what it is, hundreds of americans could die!"

"What??? How could that happen Jack"

"well its kind of annoying so If I don't get it sorted I'll probably go on a rampage"

"Ok OK calm down Jack. This is just a guess but it's possible what you're experiencing is hunger"

"what's that?"

"It's how you feel when you don't eat for a while"

"eat?"

"yes eat, it's when you put food in your mouth, chew and swallow"

"food, chew, swallow? Curtis, i think your line is being scrambled by hostiles , I can't understand what you are saying"

"I get it, of course. You've been too busy in all the previous series to eat any food. You must be starving Jack."

"Ok this food what is it and where can i secure it"

"look jack I told you I dont want to get invovled and besides there's a large stack of unstable pineapple crates next to me that needs my attention."

"CURTIS I NEED A DESCRIPTION AND LOCATION OF THIS FOOD AND I NEED IT NOW, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME"

"Ok , well try a bacon sandwich that always hits the spot for me. Now look jack I'm really going before something bad happ......"(sounds of hundreds of pineapples falling over are heard accompanied by a muffled scream)....line goes dead.

"Curtis..... CURTIS"

Jack flips back his phone, and looks down regretfully.

He dials another number.

Time 7:14:23 beep beep beep.

Time 7:18:46 beep beep beep.

Phone rings at CTU. BEEP BEEEP DEE DOOO.

"This is Chloe O'Brian. What do you want, can't you see I'm busy? I'm behind schedule already, I haven't pulled one stupid face, talked condescendingly, or even made any hideously inappropriate comments to any of my co workers today "

"Hi Chloe this is jack. Look I know you're busy but I really need your help. I've just got off the phone from curtis. SOmething is wrong, very wrong. Apparently I'm hungry. It's got something to do with a substance called food. Curtis was filling me in but I think they got to him."

"Who got to him? What are you talking about. Jack are you back on the smack again?"

"We don't have time for this chloe, thousands of innocent american citizens' lives who live near me are at stake. Before curtis bought it he told me about something called a "BACON SANDWICH". It's the only lead we have......"

"Well if there's only one lead to a crucial part of the plot, you'd better beleive it will be the key to the problem! Ok jack what do you want me to do?"

"Cross reference bacon sandwich with the wetlist and DOD database, reposition the GTS satellite on all known previous locations for bacon sandwiches, and prepare a tac team ready to storm suspected hideaways for bacon sandwiches"

"How about I just tell you how to make one?"

"yeah that works too. I'm gonna need a schematic though....hang on chloe, the doorbell just rang....I'll be right back"

Cut to jack answering door.

Mailman :" Hi, are you jack bauer?"

"How do you know my name? HOW DO U KNOW MY NAME GODDAMIT"

"It's on this parcel for you?"

"We don't have time for this. What do you want?"

"Well if you just sign here, I can give you this parcel."

Jack draws his weapon and levels it at the mailman's head.
"I don't want to shoot you but I will. Now hand over the parcel"

"sure just sign here"

"Look, I can cut a deal with you. Presidential immunity, a new identity, a secure environment. Is that what you want?"

"Er, well, I'm happy if you just sign?? "

"WE don't have time for this. " Jack shoots the mailman in the head and takes the parcel.

"Lamest terrorist disguise ever"

Jack flips his phone back open. "Chloe, I need that schematic NOW. People are dying already"

Chloe :" But Jack, the internet's been overrun by english football fans complaining about ronaldo cheating them in the world cup, I can't get onto any websites. "

"DAMMIT. Ok who is this ronaldo and where can i find him?"

"Somewhere in germany jack, he's left an electronic trail of credit card purchases"

"What's he been buying"

"Hair grease mainly"

"DAMMIT, this is getting complicated. Chloe you know what. Sod this, I'm just gonna order a pizza. DAMMIT I don't have their number"

7:59:57 BEEP BEEP BEEP.

Customer service response

A fellow poker player, Zimbra posted a chat he had with a CS agent on a poker site. He was a bit frustrated with the guy's response. I added the italics of what i thought might be going through the agent's head. Pretty accurate i think.

ZIM maybe it would help if you heard the internal thought processes of the CS guy?




craig b: Hello Zimbra, my name is craig b, How may i help you?
Jeez, what's a guy gotta do to eat his damn cream cheese bagel in peace. Let's see ...paste generic greeting....fill in Zimbra...we're off....hope this is quick. I'm damn hungry. what kind of name is zimbra anyways...
Zimbra: Hello, I am trying to register for today's $20k qualifier
Zimbra: at 2.30pm
Zimbra: However, it won't let me. I played 50 raked hands last night between 10pm and midnight
Zimbra: well within the 24 hour deadline
Zimbra: and it says I have played 0 raked hand

Hmmmm wonder if that shop down the round still does those cream donuts. I could definitely go for one of those right about.....oh s**t he's stopped typing. Better say something i guess. Hmmm....[thumbs through book of useless excuses]....ahh yes this should do it.

craig b: maybeit's full
craig b: ok

please buy it, please buy it. He's buying it he's buying, hell yeah he's ......

Zimbra: No, it's not full.

Ok he's not buying it. Smart cookie eh. [calls over to colleague] Hey Jenny, we've got a live one. Seems like he's not playing ball. If he ain't playing ball, then I'm sure as hell gonna bust his...

craig b: one second

I'm having a damn bite on my bagel, you can wait pal

Zimbra: thanks.

craig b: no you have 50 raked hands within the time period

Ok that should confuse him

Zimbra: Then why won't it let me register?

F***ed if i know. Do i look like some whizkid IT nerd. I'm only working here cos when I turned up for the interview having been sent here to qualify for Jobseeker's allowance, they somehow gave me the job. I guess walking into an interview dressed in full combat gear, yelling "you heard what i said sergeant, send in the apache chopper NOW" into a walkie talkie isn't enough to disqualify you these days.

Zimbra: It specifically says I have 0 raked hands when I click on the register button
Zimbra: And the same on the 50 Up tournament
Zimbra: I have sent an email about this to enquiries@sportingodds.com
Zimbra: Just now

Oh back with the problem. Geez getting a bit desperate. Better have another slug of the old bagel while i think.

craig b: one moment please

FFS cream cheese all over the keyboard. Jenny's looking over giving me a dodgy look. How embarrassing. Had to be the exact same time i opened that attachment my friend Dirty Dave sent through didn't it?

Zimbra: ok

---

craig b: just checking for you
Zimbra: thanks...
Ok, mopped most of it up. Goddamnit, i gotta get rid of this guy soon. He sure is a stayer!
---

craig b: it seems that you are unable register for the tourney
craig b: so you can kiss my but!

oops did i think that or type it???

Zimbra: Yes, I see that... but why?

craig b: try for the one that starts at 4.30pm gmt
craig b: i do not know why

you gettin this yet Zim. I know s**t, you know s**t we could dance this little samba for a while or just hang up our shoes right now what do you say?

Zimbra: The tournament is about to start, by the way
Zimbra: I want to play the 2.30pm one
Zimbra: That's the reason I specifically played those raked hands
Zimbra: I can't register for the 50 Up tourney either
Zimbra: so what makes you think the 5.30pm tourney will be any different?

oh mannnn......ok basically I've run out of lame excuses so here goes the oldest trick in the book. When in doubt, DELEGATE! Let the dudes checking the mail deal with this guy cos I got bagels to eat.

craig b: To enable us to investigate this matter we will require an email from you, this will allow us to track your query to completion.
Zimbra: I have sent you an email about this

WHAT? He's already done this! Why's he hassling poor me then?? Anyway I'll throw him one of the addresses. Hopefully he'll have mailed the other one so i can tell him no that's the wrong one and he can get OFF my case.

craig b: support@pokerresponse.com ?
Zimbra: to enquiries@sportingodds.com, just before I contacted live chat HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES!
Zimbra: okay, I have sent it to that email address as well now
craig b: cheers
craig b: Thank you for your query; if we can be of further assistance please don’t hesitate in contacting us.

copy paste generic adios message. Insert bagel in mouth, taste the creamy cheese....and relax. Hey I wonder if jenny fancies coming out for a drink with me? I'll ask her soon as I finish watching this clip from dirty dave. Hey, ive never seen a traffic cone used like THAT before!

Challenge to the cat

Ok, if anyone still reads this damn thing despite the rarity of my posts for which i wish i could apologise but dammit im jsut not going to, they will have seen that the cat has been challenged.

The challenger is a one mr richard trigg aka the claimer aka action man. The challenge is to see who can produce the best 16 results in the 5k 36$ FO that i have alluded to previosuly on my blogg.

Never one to spurn an opportunity, i have accepted this challenge despite the highly acclaimed mr claimer's poker credentials.

The loser has massive bragging rights and will have to wear the avatar of the winner for the following month. (Can't wait to see you in that banana costume m8!)

Well tonight i played the first event.

I played fairly passively tonight, as I was kind of writing up some stuff at the same time(to follow). I was pretty card cold but managed to double up on 50 100 with AK v AT to get to 4k in chips.
I navigated my way into the money with about 7 or 8k and despite a few bad beats i got to the final table on life support or 8 BBs or so. I outlasted a few kippers but eventually lost my stack moving in with AT only to be bravely called by an AJ which held up. Still 7th place is ok for starters.

So tournament 1 39.60$ entry.....195.48$ for 7th. So 154.88$ profit. A reasonable start but i hope for better soon.

Let battle commence!