A few points....

First off let me say thank you to all who have said nice things about the cat diaries and have asked for more. I can't oblige unfortunately as I am trying to write an entire book's worth with a view to getting this published. If eventually it does get published, I will disperse some copies amongst you guy.

Secondly, apologies for one of my posts earlier which is a bit of a repeat of itself. This occurred as a result of my perennial struggle with technology.

grrr, as i write this i just push allin with nut set and gutshot calls for 1.5 x pot and hits on river. DAMN YOU KIPPER!

Mad birds in Brighton

In the last few days i have come across two bizarre situations involving the birdlife in brighton, which brought to mind a third encounter i had with a mad bird a while ago .

The first occurred when staying at one of the hotels on the sea-front. Upon checking in, i was informed by a pale-faced woman on the desk that the TV wasn't working . When i asked why this was, she explained a group of seagulls had made a nest in the aeriel, and every time a workman tried to remove the nest, he was attacked by irate gulls....

I waited for a few moments for her to break into laughter but it soon became apparent by her immutably stern expression that this was not a joke.

Surely the best excuse for shoddy service i have ever heard...

Sorry for the bad reception on your TV but we are being terrorised by a recalcitrant gang of seagulls!! - Classic.

Second situation occurred as i wandered down a boulevard of brighton i hve given the moniker Curry Close due to its ubiquity of indian eating establishments. I was jsut returning from a viewing of a flat when i noticed two pigeons apparently dancing in the road. I moved in clsoer and realised that far from dancing they were having a ruck!

They were pecking each other furiously as they circled round and round, and then came a startling development, that recalled an aspect of the night of scouse violence a few weeks back.

One of the pigeons HEAD BUTTED the other. Given my close proximity i had no doubt that this was no accidental clash of heads but a calculated attempt by one to nut the other. I even heard a mini crack as the two combatants heads came into contact. Eventually the pigeons unruly brawl was interrupted as it spilled into the street and both had to avoid being run over by a passing motorist.

It was a great fight though.

Both these occurrences brought to mind a time when i was in Victoria station. I had arrived early and had about 30 mins to kill till my train arrived. I elected to fill this void in time at the same time i filled the void in my stomach by grabbing some food. Given the paucity of selection, i plumped for the Burger King and popped in to grab me a whopper.

Eager to devour my purchase i scanned the station for a suitable locale to begin my feast. Sadly, being rush hour the station was a sea of people, with every possible spot taken.

SO i bowled over to an open patch of ground, sat on my bag and unwrapped my burger and chips on my lap. I was tucking into a few fries, when i noticed that my fast food had aroused a little interest in the nearby pigeons. One large pigeon in particular was showing an intense curiosity, manifested by regular attempts to approach me, which were always curtailed by a vigorous wave of my foot, promising things would get violent if he got too much closer.

As I ate my meal, a young lady from poland, who was standing close to me, asked me a question regarding the train timetable, which I did my best to answer from my limited knowledge. Unbeknownst to me, as I attempted to assist this damsel in distress, the pigeon had seen an opening in my defences and had taken his opportunity to mvoe in. I noticed this at the last moment out of the corner of my eye, jsut as he came within pecking distance of my whopper....

I whirled round and pushed out at the pigeon, scuppering his attempt at the last moment. He flew back ina squawk of feathers. What he did next defied belief. He flew further back into the air and then FLEW AT MY HEAD! Yes, in shock i saw this large pigeon, diving kamikaze style at my head. I can still picture it now, although my memory has oufitted the pigeon with a white bandana with a red spot on it. I managed to bat the pigeon away from head at the last moment, although in my surprise, i admit i may have made a rather feminine shrieking noise. For sure the polish girl did not look impressed. The pigeon then flew off to the rafters, scouting the area for his next victim and i finished my food and left to board my train, more worldly wise as to the physical dangers posed by pigeons.

Websites and films

These are some of my favourite sites, check them out.

Ed Moulton's blog - www.livejournal.com/users/sugarjames

Hectorjelly recommended him and I know his praise is hard won so i flicked over and had a look. Ed's blog is one of the funniest you will read. His comments on beer, weed, gambling and pondering life's deeper mysteries are peppered with funny anecdotes and told in his own inimitable style. Not to be missed.

www.twoplustwo.com

Far and away the best site for poker debate, the forums here are graced by a number of fine players, including occasional input from greg raymer, paul phillips and david sklansky amongst ohters. Most poker forums often degenerate into abuse and technical discussion is often very poor. Conversely, here you often very good discussion on technical matters, exploring the deeper mathematics and meta-game factors involved. Also, when the abuse does come, it can be very high quality abuse.

No poker player should ignore this site.


www.twodimes.net

Excellent tool for calculating odds and EV. You'll learn most of the important things off by heart soon enough but this will solve those arguments about whether JQs is a favourite over 22.

Great films.

Highly untopical, i don't care because these were great films i only got round to seeing recently.

Bourne Identity/ Supremacy

I hadn't seen this but knew the books were popular and that these came recommended by many. So I pulled my finger out bought both DVDs and watched them.

The Bourne Identity is one of the best action films I've seen. The action scenes are all impressively done, never over the top, but it is the central character who is the focal point of the film. Matt Damon dazzles in the role of Bourne, evoking sympathy in one moment, awe in the next, underpinned by a constant, furtive, restless intelligence. He really was ( I can't say it , can I....?) born to be bourne.... (couldn't help myself!)

If you haven't seen this and like action films, then watch it, ok!! 9/10

The sequel Supremacy lacks the punch of the original, which would have been difficult once the secret is out of the bag but is still an excellent film as he battles some of his associates and outwits and outthinks the combined intelligence and might of the FBI once more, after being dragged back into the world of espionage. 7.5/10

The Bourne character is a great addition to the pantheon of cinema greats and let's hope the next film in the series, which is currently being made, can match these two.

***
Lastly, but not least I have to mention the film, MOMENTO.

A great film, innovatively designed that keeps you guessing all the way through. At first the style is confusing and obscure but it is worth it as the knots in the plot untangle grippingly as the film approaches its unpredictable denouement.

Guy Pearce, plays the character very smoothly, cementing his place among Hollywood's best actors.. Not bad for a kid from ramsay street.

The ambiguities in the plot and plethora of little hints and tips to the solution are littered thorughout the film. It is well worth watching 2 or 3 times to catch these moments.

9/10

Good websites

Ok. First off the best blog i have read in a while. Ed Moulton's blog at

www.livejournal.com/users/sugarjames

will have you in stitches. Stoner anecdotes, imaginative ideas and gambling abound in this witty and rebellious look at life. Hectorjelly(www.hectorjelly.yesitsrigged.com) reccomended this.

When it comes to poker discussion i think this is the best on the web.

www.twoplustwo.com

A lot of respected poker players post here, including greg raymer and david sklansky, although he seems to direct a lot of his posts at the philosophy section aka the -is-there-a-god-isn't-there-a-god section. Lots of interesting stuff to read, and great debate on poker hands and strategy, covering most of the top poker games out there. A must if you enjoy talking poker theory.

www.fullcontactpoker.com.

Dan negreanu is perhaps the most open of all the top professionals out there. He is frank and honest in his accounts of tournaments and life and you get a real glimpse behind the eyes of a top poker professional. The thinking that goes into his play, has established daniel as one of , if not the best tournament player out there. Read about how he does it here!

More pet hates...

3. The bad beat that isn't a bad beat, specifically people whinging about this.

Ok, let's just clarify how poker works. You win because you get your money in ahead or with positive expectation. Therefore if u get your money in behind and the cards unravel themselves in unusual patterns then THIS IS NOT A BAD BEAT. OK??

As an example, ok you raise with KK and are raised allin. You call. Your opponent has A2. Flop comes AA x x K and u scoop the pot. When i see Mr A2 going ffs, this makes me want to slap him. I mean i want to slap him anyway for going allin with A2 but now i want to slap him even harder! THIS IS NOT A BAD BEAT.

Even if some1 pipes in, " i folded a K" and there is one out on the river, it is STILL not a bad beat. If you don't understand this concept then please either jsut give up poker, or, if in my presence, never speak. I hope that is clear.

4. People with no table manners.

OK, i can hear you guys saying WTF Cat u f*****g hypocrite, you're a rude ****** slagging off the kippers all the time!! Well, all i will say is that yes in my blog, i can be a tad scathing at times but at the table i am rarely rude to people. If I am, it is usually done in a jovial, sarcastically disguised way.

For example, I am often to be heard praising players after being beaten. Now as i rarely, if ever, get outplayed, this normally occurs after some utter salmon has sucked out on me. A typical example would be, some1 riases UTG and in position I reraise AQ sutied knowing them to have some raggedy shit. Flop comes 4 7 9, kipper checks, i know he has missed and so throw in a 3/4 pot bet, he calls. Turn is a Q, kipper bets out, i feel he has nothing and riase him a good amount. He calls, river comes a K, and we check it down.

He turns over KJ and takes it down. Conversation often runs along these lines.

Junglecat03: WOW vvvvvvvvvvvwp.
Hapless Kipper: Lucky, ty.
Junglecat03: Lucky? Don't be modest. It takes a lot of guts to call 2 big bets with K hi and then, the way you value checked when you hit your miracle 3 outer was majestic.
Hapless Kipper: Ty.
Junglecat03: You got game kid, see you at the WSOP.

The strange thing with these people is that they rarely, if ever seem to understand that they are being mercilessly mocked. This makes it a good way to admonish the kippers under their noses and they don't even realise what is going on.

Anyhoo, i have strayed slightly off topic here and no one likes a stray cat. All mangy and shit.
NO. What i dislike is people who come out with stuff after bad beats like "HAHAHAHA" or who scream "YESSSS" at the misfortune of anohter player.

I had a situation earlier where with 20 left in the 4k, 18 paid, i am down to 6k after a very barren run of cards, blinds 300 600. I get AKh and am faced with a limper UTG. I am happy to take the pot down preflop and so move all my chips into the middle, only to find the sb calls me.

Damn, i know hes prob got a big hand...

He turns over QQ.

Flop comes A (yes) x Q (FUCK) x x and he wins the pot.

"YESSSSSSSSSS" he types in the chat box.

Now, i'm not complaining about losing. He had a better hand and this was NOT A BAD BEAT. (see above) However, the least the fucker could've done was shown a bit of dignity and respect for the guy whos been battling away fro 2 hrs only to finish on the bubble with a premium hand on a coin flip. But no. He has to shout out yes. Well u know what?? I was going to say nh and wish u luck. Instead I will simply mouth fuck you at the screen and pick up my little voodoo kipper-doll and have myself some fun.

How will I do that? Its simple. I set up a little poker game with my kipper-doll and we play a few hands. And believe me, this kipper-doll is gonna suffer some mighty beats. Yes, the deck is stacked well against my little kipper effigy friend.... he's like flopping trips all over the place and facing higher sets and full houses. At one point he thinks he has the flop nailed with quad aces, but guess what? That's right mofo he gets runner runnered with a straight flush. And have a little stab in the dark at what i might be shouting at him as he gets all these bad beats??

YESSSSS, u got it.

As a finale I simulate my kipper's internet connection being cut off by sticking a calculator in front of him and removing the batteries and then I go down the traditional voodoo route of sticking a pin into his head.

Now i know some of you are thinking," Come off it cat, you're just blowing off some steam, none of this shit does anything." Check it out. Next time u diss the cat, feel the evil vibes heading your way, watch yourself get outdrawn time and again , and bear witness to your internet connection crumbling in front of your eyes. When you feel the vicious migraine kick in, maybe then you will understand the limitless potential of the forces the cat can unleash.

Seeya soon kippers.

Pet hates...

OK so we all have them, right?

Here's a few of mine.

1. People min riasing 1st hand of a tournament after a few limpers.
***Nuff said , it is silly. The by product of possibly sending me on tilt in a fit of frothy rage should be weighed against the fact it is pointless, irritating and will earn u a pint over your head if i ever meet you.

2. People prefacing their name with a location, in particular Vegas.
****I don't know, maybe it's irrational but i just don't like it.

Maybe it's because it re-inforces ideas of the piece of land on which we live somehow defining us, a concept i find antiquated and reactionary.

Maybe it's becuase most of the people who do this seem almost indistinguishable in evolutionary terms from cro-magnon man.

Yes they seem to have swapped mammoth skin coats for burberry socks and pre-historic caves for bungalows in essex with hyundais parked outside but they have retained the protruding foreheads and gutteral speech expressions that defined our ancestors.

Maybe, and perhaps this is the most compelling reason, it's because i can't stand it when some1 called Lasvegasjim or some such, sits himself down at my omaha hi lo table with 5$.....I mean clearly in this scenario, the name is worn as some sort of badge of pride. It is announcing, "I'm a big time player, I kick ass, I rule vegas, I..." SHUT UP IMAGINARY VOICE I AM CREATING IN MY HEAD AKA LASVEGASJIM. YOU RULE NOTHING. YOU HAVE SAT DOWN WITH THE BARE MINIMUM AT THE TABLE ONCE AGAIN IN SPITE OF THE MANY VICIOUS DIATRIBES I AHVE AIMED IN YOUR DIRECTION. YOU WILL SHORTLY BE GETTING QUARTERED/ SCOOPED BY ME OR SOME OTHER SUCKER YET AGAIN.
THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE DOMINION OVER IS A KEENLY DEVELOPED ABILITY TO SUCK, A SKILL YOU HAVE NURTURED SINCE BIRTH AND WILL CONTINUE TO DEMONSTRATE REGULARLY TILL THE DAY YOU DEPART OUR PLANET, HAVING ADDED LITTLE OF VALUE OTHER THAN A +10$ EXPECTATION IN MY PROFIT LEVELS EVERY TIME YOU LOWER YOUR GREASY LITTLE SOON-TO-BE-SEPERATED-FROM-ITS-MONEY ASS ON MY TABLE. IF YOU TRULY REPRESENT LAS VEGAS THEN ITS ENTIRE POPULATION SHOULD IMMEDIATELY LAY HANDS UPON A FIREARM, INSERT IN THEIR MOUTHS AND PULL THE TRIGGER, AN ACT THEY WILL HAPPILY PARTAKE IN IF THE RESULT IS TO TERMINATE A LIFE ASSOCIATED WITH SOMEONE OF YOUR CALIBRE.

Ok so i lost it a bit there. These shortstacks really are getting to me these days!

Tough poker playing conditions

A slight departure from my usual rantings, I'd like to tell you about my experiences last ngiht which were pretty bizarre. I've played live poker against some very good players. I remember feeling Dave colclough's icy stare as i made a bet in barcelona and Willie Tann's cool nonchalance as he pushed all his chips in the middle against me at the vic. Last night was perhaps the greatest test of my poker concentration though!!

Let me fill you in.

I am in Brighton at the moment, residing in a hotel as i scout the area for a convenient flat to rent. I have stayed here quite a few times and it has always struck me as a quiet, peaceful locale. When i'm here, if im not meeting up with friends in the evening, I usually camp out in the lobby with my laptop, using the free wireless internet access to make a few dollars playing poker.

Last night i was doing just that, enjoying a pint or two and chatting with the barmaid as I played a few 25$ stts. I managed to finish 3rd in one and was heads up in the 2nd one, when a loud group of scousers entered the bar and began drinking heavily. No probs i thought. I continued my game and one of the lads, named Terry began chatting to me. We swapped a few stories about Liverpool, the team we both supported and he demonstrated his cheeky scouse " native wit" as I observed he must've grown up with Ian Rush and Jan Molby, to which he replied, "ERRR No m8, i grooo oop with me mam and da!" and broke into a big liverpudlian giggle. I laughed along with him and it all seemed pretty relaxed.

Then the trouble began.

One of the group was with his girlfriend and they had both got pretty wasted and began a big barny. I was trying to concentrate on raising 74c in position so I left them too it, but their argument became increasingly more distracting. Before I knew it all seven of the group had bounded to their feet and had moved into the middle of the lobby, jabbing each other in the chest, calling each other "soft lad" a lot, and I even heard the classic "kerm down" uttered more than once.

One guy from a seperate group wandered over and asked them if they could keep it down a bit, a suggestion which was treated with contempt.

"Eh , we've paid for our rooooms same as youse soft lad. Keep yer nose outtaf it m8"

He tried reasoning a little more but eventually decided it wasnt gonna get him anyway. I was still struggling heads up in my stt. Eventually the storm seemed to have passed as most of the group wandered upstairs and only two guys, one of them Terry, were left. They had plenty of fight left in the pair of them though and continued arguing dragging the "interferer", who i discovered was called Robin into the debate.

Eventually i managed to win my stt, and was able to concentrate harder on events in the hotel. Robin and Lee, the other scouser, were arguing drunkenly about whether on not he should've said anything about his bird etc etc......it was a classic booze-fuelled argument, heading nowhere and self-perpetuating. I did everything in my power to calm the situation down and managed to stop them coming to blows once or twice.

Eventually Robin went to bed and Lee followed after him, leaving me and Terry to discuss the plight of Liverpool's strike force. About 10 minutes later, Lee returned, sporting a number of cuts and bruises,

"Eh Terry, I gave that lad an 'iding, he ad it coomin"
(Groan)

Given the state of Lee, if he had given out the hiding, then Robin was going to be in pretty horendous shape. I went into the heart of the hotel to find him and discovered him in the hotel lift. It was not a pretty sight.

As the doors whirred open i saw Robin slumped on the floor, legs akimbo, barely consious, lying amidst at least 12 seperate pools of blood. His nose was broken and bleeding, he had several cuts to his forehead and had a couple of eyes that were destined to be turning black.

TBC....

damn you mo****f***g &!!"£"$$

Ok I said I was gonna complete my list of PL omaha aquatic lifeforms, and indeed i will in due course, don't fret.

First I want to vent some anger at this kipper i chanced across during my latest 5$ NLHE tournament. Now normally i don't play this low staked game, so what was my ass doing in this game, i hear you ask. Well i was feeling a bit tired and just fancied playing a relaxing game of poker which shouldn't prove too taxing. And that was how it proved, at least till the last few hands.

So anyway, i started quite badly as it goes, losing half my stack for some reason i fail to recall. I gradually built back up however, got lucky to win a coin flip with 88 v Aj suited of one of the good players then, with a few chips to my name, i turned on the domination and began to plunder chips from kippers left right and centre.

They were passing me chips as quickly as i could click my raise button and i soon ran my stack up to 12k or so, and entered the final table in good shape in the top 2. There were 2 fairly amusing kippers who were clearly friends of some sort, well i say friends, bum chums may be a more revealing and accurate description becuase as one would take a pot down the other would be there with his tongue firmly inserted in his chum's rear, making comments such as "wonderful play", "superbly done" and other such vomit-inducing obsequious observations.

I mean one time the guy called a riase out of position with JT off, managed to flop the nuts and him and his opponent got it allin on the turn when his oppo hit trips. I groaned in anticipation of the latest sycophancy heading toward the chat box and sure enough, it appeared in moments

Toady A "Masterful poker, you are playing wonderfully."
Toady B "Thanks there, you're playing great too."

Seriously, if this was in a live arena, they'd have been dumping bags of sawdust down to soak up the inevitable stew of half-digested carrots and other assorted chundered food stuffs that would have been flowing freely on the floor.

I attempted to assert a bit of feline quality control in the chat box by adopting a self appointed position of authority.

Cat: " Sorry bum licking is strictly forbidden at the tables, as per the blue square Terms&Conditions , could u refrain pls"

My comment was greeted with some muted messages of assent from the other kippers present. I felt that they would have lined up behind me in more vigororous support, had i not built up a slight wall of resentment myself by hammering away on their weakly protected blinds for the last 7 rounds.

Anyway we get to the final table and im in good shape. I build my stack up nicely and am looking like odds on to win when this hand happens.

Table of contents

Multi-Table Tournament
Table Name	Hand ID	Game	Stakes
MTT Table 1	4855217-132	Holdem No Limit	600/1,200
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : Hand Start.
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : Seat 2 : ultzman has $16,000
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : Seat 4 : toasty2 has $7,590
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : Seat 6 : BIGVRAJI has $27,390
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : Seat 7 : Junglecat03 has $21,930
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : Seat 8 : piefactory has $37,090
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : 'Dead button' is at seat 8
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : ultzman posted small blind.
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : toasty2 posted big blind.
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : Game [132] started with 5 players.
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : Dealing Hole Cards.
[Oct 7 21:16:20] : Seat 7 : Junglecat03 has Ks As
[Oct 7 21:16:26] : BIGVRAJI folded.
[Oct 7 21:16:28] : Stakes: 600/1,200 Current level: 9 Level up in: 7 min. Break in: 10 min. Players : 5
[Oct 7 21:16:32] : Junglecat03 called 1,200 and raised 2,000
[Oct 7 21:16:37] : piefactory folded.
[Oct 7 21:16:39] : ultzman called 2,600 and raised 12,800 and is All-in
[Oct 7 21:16:43] : toasty2 folded.
[Oct 7 21:16:46] : Stakes: 600/1,200 Current level: 9 Level up in: 7 min. Break in: 10 min. Players : 5
[Oct 7 21:16:54] : Junglecat03 called 12,800
[Oct 7 21:16:54] : Showdown!
[Oct 7 21:16:54] : Seat 7 : Junglecat03 has Ks As
[Oct 7 21:16:56] : Seat 2 : ultzman has Ac Th
[Oct 7 21:16:56] : Seat 7 : Junglecat03 has Ks As
[Oct 7 21:17:05] : Board cards [Td 3c 5c 8h 2d]
[Oct 7 21:17:05] : Seat 2 : ultzman has Ac Th
[Oct 7 21:17:05] : ultzman has Pair: 10s
[Oct 7 21:17:05] : Seat 7 : Junglecat03 has Ks As
[Oct 7 21:17:05] : Junglecat03 has High Card : Ace
[Oct 7 21:17:05] : ultzman wins 33,200 with Pair: 10s
[Oct 7 21:17:07] : Stakes: 600/1,200 Current level: 9 Level up in: 7 min. Break in: 9 min. Players : 5
[Oct 7 21:17:08] : Junglecat03 : dire
[Oct 7 21:17:10] : ultzman : ul
[Oct 7 21:17:14] : Hand is over.
[Oct 7 21:17:14] : Stakes: 600/1,200 Current level: 9 Level up in: 7 min. Break in: 9 min. Players : 5

Oh dear. So as u can see i have 21K and AKs UTG, i riase to 3.2k. Ok now this is a small raise, some would say too small, i'll be out of position after the flop etc etc blah blah blah. I would say FU, this was my standard raise, it was getting me lots of blinds and it would encourage one of the smaller stacks to come over the top with something weaker which was my aim.

Yes if some1 outside of the blinds flat calls il be out of position, but big deal, i wont lose too much if i lose the hand and I will take the motherfukker down if i can anyway.

So toady no 2 comes over the top for what is a large riase. Despite knowing i am probably ahead i even consider folding here as i was having so much fun raping the kipper's blinds.

BUT NO i think. Let's knock one of these brown-nosing little tarts out now and hopefully cut down the GBH of the earhole. SO i call leaving myself 4k ish back.

Toady flips AT, as i suspected im dominating his sorry little pissy hand, but he goes on to hit a T and fuck my stack up supremely. He says "ul" and i go on to point out that in 5$ comps people will play AT like its the fucking nuts and proceed to blow the smoking remnants of my stack with JQ suited v A3 a few hands later eliminated in 5th for 30$.

I dont know what this c*** thought moving in there with AT but anyway having vented much of my wrath I am beginning to relax and enter a more zen-like state of detachment. Onwards and upwards, onto the next.

PL kipper definitions to be continued.

Cat returns to vent his IRE

Ok so its been a while. I could apologise but this would be incongruent with the rest of the tone of this piece so FU i won't. What i will say is that i've been writing elsewhere recently and now that i am firmly encamped back in the poker scene again it makes sense to resurrect the corpse of my blog and breathe new life into the mofo.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. Today's topic :- bad poker players. I have always tried to espouse the commonly accepted view of good players that bad poker players should be treated with dignity and respect as these jelly-brained suckers provide us with our bread and butter and occasional duck risotto.

Ostensibly, i still retain this charitable view, but after looking deep into my soul i have come to the realization that I actually despise these talentless mutherfukkers witha passion. I can no longer hide from this fact so instead I will embrace it and bare me soul to you.

Of course it's understandable to be disgusted when someone makes a bad play and beats your sorry ass with some lucky suckout. We've all had our Kings cracked by some buttmunch overplaying A rag and launched a tirade at the avatar of the villain, promising death destruction and a lifelong vendetta of violence against the aquatic organism in question and his clsoe family. Who knows, maybe some of you have even come good on your promises and lie languishing in some texan jail on death row, suffering nightly sodomisation by a large hairy redneck, bemoaning the fact that the dealer contrived to fill that herring's gutshot on the river. This behaviour is completely understandable (not the sodomisation) but is not what this article is about.

No, what has brought about this epiphany in me is rather the times where i WIN a pot off some cerebrally-inhibited player after they have made some dire play. Most recently i have been immersing myself in the waters of PL omaha hi lo, after graduating with honours from the 3/6 and 5/10 limit tables on party poker.

Now I'll be the first to admit that at first I took a little time to adjust to the PL game. Limit omaha/8 strategy is basically built around playing a tight range of strong hands and siphoning off the money of the lost souls unfortunate enough to pull up a pugh at the temple of the cat. Yes i owned those tables to the tune of arounf 50$/hr and indeed I will be back, once i have given the fish some time to replenish their depleted funds.

PL on the other hand is a different game. I went in there raw and green, failing to understand the increased importance of positioning and the decreased emphasis on uber strong starting hands and early on could only register a small profit. Being the cat, though, an animal skillfully tempered in the unforgiving furnace of evolution, designed to survive and flourish in a variety of hostile environments, I inevitably adapted and was soon learning some champion moves and rinsing the suckers whose game selection strategy is backward enough to allow them to sit down at my table.

There are a variety of fish who frequent these tables. It would be too time and effort consuming to give a comprehensive list but allow me to jsut run through some of the common types.

No 1 - The underbankrolled fish. Ok so we pull up a pugh sitting at the 50c 1$ PL om/8 table and obviously plonk down the maximum of 100$. I'm not quartering some muppet and then bitching about the fact that i missed out on some of his stack due to sitting down shortstacked. No sirree. So then some mark sits down with 5$. WTF? I mean what does this guy think hes going to do? A few hands later hes done his dough, due to his good hand crashing and burning when unsuprisingly his meagre bet of 3$ on the flop fails to push anyone out. Ok every1 deserves a second chance, perhaps out villain will take this opportunity to either realise he's underbankrolled for this game or cash in at least a respectable amount to give him a chance to do some damage to the bigger stacks. So, does he? Does he fuck. The useless smeghead proceeds to dig a further 5$ out of his pathetic account and set fire to it- again and again and again.

Ok, you useless bag of excrement, u know what? Much as i love releiving you daily of your 20$ as you relentless battle against the odds like some crippled geriatric ant trying to drag a shire horse up a hill, your play, decisions, strategy, and talent (or lack thereof) are so repulsive to me that i am happy to forego your humble offerings, if you would just remove yourself and your enormous backside from a game where your shortcomings are perpetually exposed by myself and anyone else with a modicum of ability. You dont belong here any more than a turd deserves to sit at the centrepiece of the crown jewels. Pls take your bags , your 50$ bankroll and your 10 second delays whilst you determine if this is the hand that is gonna win big and get you a half of a 14$ pot and fuck right off, never to darken my doorstep again, so that some real players can play some poker. Best of luck.

Ok that's enough for now. But don't think you other water-habiting types have escaped my scrutiny and wrath for i shall be coming for you soon. Watch your backs.