AT LAST PARTY F****** SEE THE LIGHT

I've been wrangling with party over the last few months to get my account restarted.

It all happened about 5 months ago when I won a tournament on party for 2.5k to boost my balance there to 4.5k or so. I owed a friend 500$ and he asked me if i could pay him on party. This is where i made my fatal error. I was unaware they had a transfer system so I jsut plopped 510$ on an unattended cash table with him raised to 500 hand 1 and folded for the 10$ reraise.

A few hours later i received an email from party asking if I could explain my unorthodox play and informing me my account was now locked! It crossed my mind briefly to come up with some facetious reason why I had folded. " I PUT HIM ON ACES"...."HIS RERAISE INTIMIDATED ME"...."AS WITH MOST OF YOUR CUSTOMERS I'M A SUBMORON WITH NO UNDERSTANDING OF POT ODDS."

Seeing as I was dealing with the calcutta-based customer service of Party though, i decided my weak attempts at humour would be misconstrued and probably result in them robbing me permanently, so I just told the truth that i owed my friend some money and paid him on the cash tables. They asked me to send through government-issued ID before they restarted my account. Sadly I don't have a passport or driving licence, in fact I don't have any form of government issued ID. So i provided bank statements, scans of my debit card, other bills, name of my cat, shoe size and picture of my cock(ok i made that one up) along with a plethora of other personal information yet still they refused to open my account. This caused me some consternation and I began to wonder if the useless mofos were ever gonna give me my 4k back.

I began formulating plans to launch a guerilla style attack on party headquarters. The plan was to fly over to america, breach their defences in the middle of the night and kidnap Mr Dikshit before hauling him back to cat HQ and demanding a $1 billion ransom for his return. I was already packing my cat-suit, grappling hooks and tranquilizer gun when i realised I didn't have a passport for the flight over there. DOH! However in my preparations, I did come across my old out of date passport. Wahey!

SO i shipped this over to calcutta along with various other forms and after some chasing up, party finally reopened my account. AT LAST!!!!!

Those kippers on the 3-6 hi lo tables must have been having a ball without the cat there to harass them. Limping 6669, calling all the way with 2nd pair and winning, chasing the fourth nut low draw.....WELL ENOUGH. THE CAT IS BACK!

I literally launched myself onto the 3-6 table immediately and found that all was well. It was still highly populated by utter kippers. To be fair to use the term Kipper is slightly unfair as
there are distinct forms of kipper. These are the ones i have observed there....

INDIGNANT KIPPER. These are often poor players who have no idea why they continue to lose. Sometimes they have a rough idea of the game but usually cannot understand why their top and bottom pair fails to hold up on a 356 board. They will call you all sorts of names as you cap flop and turn and your freeroll comes in. They provide moderate entertainment and tilt very easily.

"JESUS, WILL I GET A F****** BREAK. TOP F****** SET AND YOU CAP IT WITH A F******* DRAW. YOU SUCK YOU FRIGIN RETARD SUK SUK. FUK YO MAMA. YOURE SO LUCKY, I'D KICK YOUR ASS IF YOU WERE HERE NOW U FING MORON. F U"

"Sorry didn't mean to raise, I misclicked"

"****** ******** ******* ****** YOU!"

SERMONIZING KIPPER. These kippers are often 50+ and know that A2 is a good hand. They often play quite solidly, but insist on telling everyone what they are doing wrong. Any good player shuts his mouth about this as he doesnt want to educate the mugs but these kippers live to lecture. Very easy to bluff, raising with a draw to get a free card works well. Voted most likley to have his blind raised by the cat. Incidentally after raising them on a bluff at any point, if they fold, always be sure to tell them you had whatever nut hand was out at the time. They will nod sagely as they turn away whilst you laugh maniacally and piss all their money away on cheap vodka and kebabs.

"BAH i guess i fold this time, you've got to have the str8"

"That's correct. I had the nut str8, nut set, nut flush draw and nut lo, good fold"

AVERAGE KIPPER

Doesn't say much, jsut sits there calling off all their money with crap hands, calling down 2 pair. never raises. You can't bluff these folk, so don't even try. Just value bet. Even when you have KK on a KQJT board you can value bet the moron and he WILL call with worse.

SUPER-MORON KIPPER

Flushie coined this term. Super-morons have no clue how to play. Literally. Sometimes they aren't supermorons but jsut beginners but to all intents and purposes play the same. I came across a supermoron in this hand yesterday.

I have A954 and complete from the small blind, 4 handed. Flop comes AQ9. I didn't bet here which is unusual for me with no low possible and it was checked round. The turn was an A givng me a house. I bet out to catch an ace. All fold bar supermoron. River is an A to give me quads. I bet out immediately hoping he ahs a pocket pair to make a call. He calls and mucks. I check the hand history. He called me with Q456 LOL. Dopey fuker basically had Q6 hi with trip aces on the board and calls a bet. SUPER-MORON. Wish i'd been bluffing with K hi lol.

SHARK KIPPERS

Not many of these about but there is the odd good player. After a while you recognise these guys pretty quickly. Tend to be a bit more aggressive and play fewer hands. Make moves like check raises on the turn and river. Cap 3 or more ways on the flop with nut flush draws. Stuff like this brings them to my attention. Still capable of falling into the INDIGNANT kipper trap given a few shoves in the right direction though lol.